Bared soul

I have done my initial post, some replies *, some dailies

I think what worries me more than the crushing nihilistic thoughts are the fading of empathy. I have trouble feeling for others. At all.

At the Nuremberg trials a reporter covering them said, when he tried to come up with a definition of evil, that, in essence, evil is a lack of empathy. An inability to feel your fellow humans' pains

It makes interviews for jobs an issue. They need to connect with you on a personal level and I cannot seem to do that. Which makes me more upset, which spirals me down into the void.

And evil comes to those that evil do. I am not a bad person. Yet.

* mostly I cannot because when I am here I cannot offer any helpful platitudes or advice... I suck at that. Well, that among many other things

I guess we are the same, I have been called many things a monster or inhuman and even evil plenty of times. Simply because of feeling nothing.

It could very well be just the numbness of depression. Depression is like being empty or comes on because you have been emptied, then you cry out any remaining morsels, then you don't cry anymore. Then you become numb because if you don't, the pain is greater than the resources you have left, because they've been emptied. I think it all comes back eventually. But its a process. Try not to beat yourself just because you are on a temporary empty.

Underneath the numbness is a torrent of raw emotion. Numbness is like scar tissue, it hurts.

Oh yeah....

I hate it when I am watching an episode of some show on TV and something, usually minor, triggers some emotion, which causes a chain reaction bringing something up to the surface

Awkward to explain why you are crying about a fricking Star Trek episode

Depression is known to do that, and I'm sorry, but this is more than likely just the next step in your mental illness. I want to say "even I have felt that to some extent," but that sounds prideful. Hold on. Let me give you an extremely short backstory.

If you asked me to pick my most prominent personality feature, I'd probably say it was my empathy, and my desire to take the pain of other people into myself, so that it will hurt me, and hopefully not them. This aspect of myself was in complete and total control directly up until my depression got severe. I still have a lot of that empathy, sure, and the desire to protect the people I love is still there, but firstly, I'm broken myself now, and can't protect people until I get better. And secondly, I've found myself losing empathy for everyone but those closest to me.

That terrifies me to no end, just like it seems to haunt you. What I think I need to understand, and I think you do too, is that this is a part of the depression. It even makes sense. When you personally are experiencing so much internal pain, wouldn't it be natural for your body to decide that it can't take in the pain of anyone else, and so shuts off that valve, so to speak? The loss of empathy during depression is extremely unnerving. But it is a part of the process. It will fade faster if we simply accept that, and work on getting better.

Damn. I don't know how much I've helped you, but I think I needed to hear this.

To sum up, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, but I want you to know, there is hope. Ok?