[AuroraBorealis75]

I feel like I am slipping further and further into depression. About a year ago I moved back to where I grew up because I had a breakdown in my mental health. I quit my job of 8 years, went back to university, and started therapy. This summer has been really hard. I've been taking a class called Intro to Interpersonal Communication, and it keeps raising a lot of painful issues for me. Actually, all my classes in the past year have been very triggering for me (studying child development in Early Childhood Education). But this summer I've not had a job, just focusing on therapy and my one class. I just feel like my self-esteem has plummeted in the last few years, and not working has made it even worse, but I just haven’t been well enough. I am scared that when I graduate next spring that I won't have the self-confidence to land a job. I have a paper I am working on for my summer class, and it's about my personal frame of reference and how that has affected my communication style, and it's making me have to go back though my life and think about how my experiences in my family (often very abusive) influenced the way I communicate. This is the hardest paper I've ever written, because it's so personal, and I am close to tears every time I sit down and work on it.

[healingme4me]

Do you keep a journal? I find it easier on myself to get all the memories, feelings, et al., into that, then tap into what needs to be said, in a paper. If you learned dysfunctional communication styles, it's ok to say so. Clarity matters, hence the journal work.

[Fuzzybear]

[AuroraBorealis75]

I used to keep a journal, but a few years I had a very painful experience in which I felt deeply betrayed by a priest who was like a dad to me, and the church didn't handle the situation well at all. That situation triggered so much for me--major fear of abandonment issues and so much more. I lost my community and support network, and I just couldn't journal anymore because I would cry for hours. So I stopped journalling, and really cut myself off from my feelings because being alone with all that pain was too much to handle. I am now in therapy, but opening up has been really hard because I am afraid of being flooded by emotions that are too painful. There is only so much a person can take.

It's also coming up to the anniversary of my cousin's death. He was murdered at a nightclub and there were so many people that the person who shot him got away and has never been caught. So this is probably playing into how I'm feeling right now too.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Do you keep a journal? I find it easier on myself to get all the memories, feelings, et al., into that, then tap into what needs to be said, in a paper. If you learned dysfunctional communication styles, it's ok to say so. Clarity matters, hence the journal work.

[healingme4me]

it's unfortunate that you weren't able to connect with the survivors network. Betrayal is difficult to cope with.

Sorry to hear about your cousin, it's approaching an anniversary date of a loss to violence within my children's paternal family. Grief isn't easy. Thoughts during your time of mourning.

[AuroraBorealis75]

Just to clarify, the priest did not take advantage of me sexually. It was a betrayal of a different sort.

[healingme4me]

[AuroraBorealis75]

Having a hard time even eating today.

[healingme4me]

Maybe drink some cold water?

[annoyedgrunt84]

I moved back to my hometown about a year and a half ago. I'm working part time because 1) it sort of let's me work in my field and 2) I'm afraid the stress of a full time job could trigger another full fledged meltdown. I have started counseling again and will probably start meds again soon. I'm beginning to realize now that I have probably had an anxiety disorder for years but I was able to ignore it until about 3 years ago. I feel so alienated from humanity most days. I Hope you find peace soon.

[AuroraBorealis75]

I don't want anything anymore. I don't want food or drink. I don't even want sugary junk food, which I usually crave when I am feeling low. I don't want to read or crochet. All I want is oblivion.

[healingme4me]

If in crisis, it's important to contact the helpline/hotline/pdoc/hospital.

You have gone through changes, what happened, just now?

[AuroraBorealis75]

All they do at the hospital is give you drugs, and they don't help. I've gained almost 100 lbs because of psychiatric drugs. And I'm not suicidal, so I don't see any point in going to the hospital.

[vital]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

I feel like I am slipping further and further into depression. About a year ago I moved back to where I grew up because I had a breakdown in my mental health. I quit my job of 8 years, went back to university, and started therapy. This summer has been really hard. I've been taking a class called Intro to Interpersonal Communication, and it keeps raising a lot of painful issues for me. Actually, all my classes in the past year have been very triggering for me (studying child development in Early Childhood Education). But this summer I've not had a job, just focusing on therapy and my one class. I just feel like my self-esteem has plummeted in the last few years, and not working has made it even worse, but I just haven’t been well enough. I am scared that when I graduate next spring that I won't have the self-confidence to land a job. I have a paper I am working on for my summer class, and it's about my personal frame of reference and how that has affected my communication style, and it's making me have to go back though my life and think about how my experiences in my family (often very abusive) influenced the way I communicate. This is the hardest paper I've ever written, because it's so personal, and I am close to tears every time I sit down and work on it.

Hi Aurora,

Hanging around this site, I really notice that many people get in trouble when they make a big move in their life and that makes perfect sense with the way depression works. It sounds like the class and worrying about the future is really stressing you out. Sometimes people get in a trap because chronic stress really turns off your brain and makes it much harder to think and function, and if this leads to even more stress, you're in a loop. It might help try try to actively finds parts of your life that you can immediately enjoy, no matter how simple they are. It takes time to get over these episodes, at least that's what I found. I'm not sure you're giving yourself a chance to recover.

I hope that the therapy is helping. Even though what you're going through makes perfect sense with your story, I always think that it's a good idea to double check for purely medical or nutritional problems. These are common and often missed by MDs. I have a list here

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

[Lexi232]

Maybe the hospital can help with more things other than just meds? I've been in that not eating and not interested in food at all struggle before. Actually it seems to be the first thing that starts happening when i am becoming severely depressed. the meds i'm on make me gain weight too. but maybe the meds could just be an aide to pick you up out of this tight hold that the depression has on you . This is usually not something i would suggest but maybe looking at it as if it were an antibiotic or something similar.. where it helps you to get better. but it's not a life long sentence to having to take it.
And there are also other alternate things that could help. but not commonly used (and i'm not sure if they are fda approved for those things). but i know a stimulant med can be placed along with an antidepressant to aide more, and also help with combating the weight gain from it.
I have had some times when i didn't need anything but the stimulant med which worked for my depression. however i do know that the pdocs like to watch the BMI when on these meds, because when i was only on it, i was loosing weight and the pdoc kept watching my bmi and if it were to drop below the weight i was suppose to be weighing then he would stop prescribing it.
I know that mood stabilizers can also aide in the antidepressants but i dont know much about that (never had personal experience in that area).

Thinking of you and I hope things improve for you soon. Please don't lose hope....we are here for you.