[Nicoleresati]

When I go to writing I go blank...anyways, the last couple of nights I have resorted to alcohol to numb me. I LOVE to feel numb, to not have any emotion, or to not be consumed with thoughts, or even to be brutally honest. I also harm myself, hit, choke sometimes burn myself..I like the pain and I feel so much better after. It's impulse anger that I get and that's how I release it. Now, I don't really have any friends, but the ones I try and associate with..I hate them! They can't even give me the time of day, they use me, probably talk behind my back. So I say **** them, and I wish the worst upon them. I hope that they go through hell and come running to me for help so I can just avoid them like they do me. However that's not the case I act completely fine and do whatever it is that we decide just because I can't be alone. I don't know if I go through a daily struggle, or if it's all in my head, but I can't be alone. Same thing goes with my counselor..I hate her because I don't want to need her. It's all pity I think..I'm buying her to act as if she cares. She sees several people a day, all week. She can't care. I don't want to feel she's my friend either because I can't be dependent. I really want to die...I really just want to lock myself in a room and stay there, no background noise. I want to be alone and I want to be able to cope..I don't want to feel like I need someone.

[seesaw]

Hi Nicoleresati,

Wow, you are feeling a lot of things right now or at least trying to stop yourself from feeling lots of things. I used to self harm too, and it's gratifying in the moment, but the scars I have all over my body and the relationships I've lost over it are not worth it. I hope you can try and abstain from that behavior for your own well-being.

Emotions are hard to deal with, especially when you feel them as strongly as you and I do (it sounds like your emotions are really intense, as are mine). I don't really have any advice for you. We all need people from time to time even if it's just to say, I know what you're going through, and that's all I'm saying to you right now.

I know how you feel. I know what you're going through. I've been there and sometimes I still go back there. I guess I could suggest seeing a psychiatrist and maybe seeing if you can get help through medications to get over this really hard time so you can make some progress, but that's all I'd suggest. I know some people don't like meds.

I hope you can start feeling better. You're not alone.

Seesaw

[Nicoleresati]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Hi Nicoleresati,

Wow, you are feeling a lot of things right now or at least trying to stop yourself from feeling lots of things. I used to self harm too, and it's gratifying in the moment, but the scars I have all over my body and the relationships I've lost over it are not worth it. I hope you can try and abstain from that behavior for your own well-being.

Emotions are hard to deal with, especially when you feel them as strongly as you and I do (it sounds like your emotions are really intense, as are mine). I don't really have any advice for you. We all need people from time to time even if it's just to say, I know what you're going through, and that's all I'm saying to you right now.

I know how you feel. I know what you're going through. I've been there and sometimes I still go back there. I guess I could suggest seeing a psychiatrist and maybe seeing if you can get help through medications to get over this really hard time so you can make some progress, but that's all I'd suggest. I know some people don't like meds.

I hope you can start feeling better. You're not alone.

Seesaw

Thank you!
I don't mean to complain even more, but the last few times I have been to talk to the counselor..medication was brought up. When I feel fine and content I'm against it and her and don't think I need anything..it's all in my head. Usually, shortly after the fine and content changes, and I'm angry, upset, anxious on repeat. I think maybe medication is all a mind ****. I think that maybe someone telling you this will make you feel better, and you having the mindset that it will, it "will". When in reality you won't? I don't know, that's what my head has come up with and I can't seem to shake it.

[Fuzzybear]