Unhappiness of My Own Making

So I'm completely new here. I have been in such an unhappy place recently and with nobody to turn to, so I've come here to vent and hopefully get some advice.

Recently, I have no energy for anything. Nothing excites me. I'm tired, I'm anxious, I'm irritable, and I can't find any joy in life. Earlier this summer, I went on a vacation that I had been looking forward to for a year. Photography is one of my hobbies and I usually love taking pictures. I run around with the camera, climbing on things and crouching to get good shots. This time, I couldn't find it in me to care at all. I was not inspired at all to engage in this thing I used to love. Every shot I saw, I just thought that someone else had taken that picture already, and taken it better. There was no point. I'm sure my friends found me completely unpleasant as a traveling companion and I feel bad about it, but I couldn't make myself enjoy anything really.

Work is just as bad. I have a good job and I just finished a degree. I have been hoping to advance. But a lot of new people have been joining my department in positions more senior to me and I can't help but think I must have not been doing a very good job if they want to hire new people instead of give me opportunities to move up. This has completely sucked my motivation for work. I waste so much time now, and I know that it's only making my situation worse when I can't deliver on things I have been asked to do. I don't think I'll ever be promoted beyond my current position at this rate.

My personal life is just as bad. I am signed up for several dating sites, but I barely have the will to check them or send any messages. Honestly, I'm not sure I even want to go on any dates because the idea is so exhausting. I generally hate myself and don't think anyone else could be interested in me. I have no idea who would want someone like me. Mid-30's, kind of overweight, getting older. In addition to neurological tics and issues that were caused by several years of SSRI use. In my teens and twenties I had a few very bad episodes with eating disorders. Sometimes I look at myself and wish I had that back. At least I was thin, even if I was just as miserable. I see myself getting older and I wonder what the point is of trying any more. My parents really want grandchildren and I feel that pressure constantly, but for myself I have no idea if I even want a relationship.

I have a few friends, but recently I've been pulling away from them because of various reasons. One of my best friends got married and is almost always unavailable. Another situation is entirely of my own making. I introduced two people who share an interest and now they spend all their time together without me. I feel completely cut off. The worst is that I was also very close with the family of one of them, and now that support feels like it's being usurped by the other friend also. I have always been terrible at letting people get close, because I don't trust them not to do something like this and hurt me. It's like this has just validated my fears. I would rather have no friends, sometimes. Even when I get up the energy to try to make new friends, I end up giving up. I'm a serious introvert and hate social media and it seems that to be connected to anyone you have to be plugged into that mess constantly.

I'm terrible at using my time. I see people around me at work who have children, hobbies, plans, do things all the time. I have no idea how they do it. I can barely make it through a day of work and have no energy for anything after that. I go home and sit on the couch. I feel like such a waste of space. My one outlet is writing (original fiction) but even that is so dark that it frightens me.

Now I fantasize regularly about cutting all ties and running away from my life. I want to move somewhere else that nobody knows me, work a minimum wage job, just be someone else who is not me. I also have moments where I wonder if I would be better off just giving up entirely. I've tried to find some meaning in my life. I was raised Christian and have tried going back to church, tried other practices of other faiths. Nothing ever resonates. I can't take any of it seriously.

I was seeing a therapist for about two years but stopped because I could no longer afford it. I think I might be depressed again, but I don't want to go back on medication because of the mentioned after effects of the SSRIs.

So I'm just a waste. No joy, no love, no connections except those that hurt me. I feel like I have the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. I'm so scared of putting myself out there and making mistakes because I remember my mistakes forever. I still go over things I did as a child that were humiliating and relive that same feeling regularly. I'm not sure how many more of those I can handle.

I wish I could be less of a perfectionist. I get really jealous of my brother. He's an artist and lives hand to mouth, but he enjoys his life. He's one of the happiest people I know. I want to know how to do that.

What am I supposed to do?

Welcome to pc

I'm "useless" at giving advice, particularly today but I too remember my mistakes for ever, including those when I was a little child

You've found a good place here

You really need to work on your self-esteem. This guy is the
expert on it: Nathaniel Branden,I recommend,"Honoring The Self"
and "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.

Hey there Still Looking,

You have already acted by coming here, which is already a good sign. I'd suggest that you have a look at these notes to see if they explain what's going on in your head and in your life lately:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

Here's what I think is the best overall plan:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital