I'm not okay.

I shouldn’t still be this attached. It should be over by now .. I still shouldn’t need to be there this much. I miss my old life so much … it kind of comes and goes, and now I’m definitely in the missing phase, only it doesn’t feel like a phase… it feels ongoing and inescapable. I dreamt last night that I showed up at my old high school, my literal home, unexpectantly and went and found my mother figure and she just smiled and shook my hand. Shook my hand. Why would I dream something like that? It seems that I always have dreams like that where bad things happen in them.

I’m trying to think…. But there really are no words right now. No words… just memories and longing to be held in her arms. To see her smiling face with those eyes, and to be loved. Being loved by someone other than a friend…to be loved as a daughter, even if I know that I’m not even close. I use to feel close… but now I know I’m not even remotely close. Too far… so far gone that I reached out and called and left a message. Hoping that there might be the slightest chance I’d hear from her … why do I keep setting myself up for hurt? I should know by now that theres no point… no point in hanging on.

LET GO. If only it were that easy …. Just let go. But I can’t … its got a hold of me and I’m struggling to break free but its grip is too tight. Tying me down like a prisoner in my own world. My own perfect world where I amount to something more than a random… where I have a purpose besides paying for rent. Where I feel loved and am surrounded by beautiful people and beautiful things. Or was that just a figment of my imagination too? Did I really just want to have something beautiful so badly that I created it? Built it up so that when I left I could have something to look back on and be happy about? If only I knew how much it would torment me in the future … if I had of been smart I wouldn’t have been so dependant. People say that I’m independent … but really I’m no better than someone who clings to their mothers leg, begging for attention.

Attention. Sounds like such a horrible needy word. Attention. I shouldn’t need it … I should be fine on my own if I’m really that independent. But its not just regular attention that I crave. I crave attention from her … from all the wrong people. I have the means for attention right next door … but I’m too picky, or stupid. Either way I hurt. I’m stuck. So unbelievably stuck that sometimes I convince myself that I’m not actually stuck… I think that I’m okay.

SO OBVIOUSLY *NOT* OKAY.

What is wrong with me? Did I do something along the way to make me not deserve to be free from myself? Free from my chains holding me down? I want to cry … I need to cry … I need to feel. I need her. My mother figure who will never amount to more than that. A figure. And me? I’m a distant memory.

I'm so sorry jacq! I relate so much to some of this, and I'm almost twice your age, pathetic, huh? Me, I mean, not you......The longing for a mother that was never there.......

(((((((((((((((((( jacq )))))))))))))))))

Jacq, my wonderful friend ... talk to me. I want to hear from you, you know I'm here for you whenever you need it, right?

I'm sorry you're not 'okay' at this moment, but I don't see anything wrong with being as attached as you are. It hurts like hell, but try to remember all the good times ... I know you've had a lot of them. She helped you a lot when you needed it. Maybe you still do. We all do.

(((((((((((((((Jacq)))))))))))))))) Give me a holler okay? I'd love to be able to communicate with you.

(((((((((((((((((((((jaq))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

oh my gosh i relate to this too. all i wanted was my mothers love and for her to tell me i was ok.
you're human, of course you want these things. my heart goes out to you and i hear you.

always here if you want to pm me. i hope you feel better really soon love jinnyann xoxoxo

((((((jacq))))) Sounds pretty normal to me. We all need to feel we are noticed and paid attention to.

I don't have any great words of wisdom, unfortunately. Let me know if I can help somehow.

Love, Candy

this is sounding like so many of us out there we just want to be needed for who we are, family can do the most hurt, my brother lives about an hours drive from where we live, has a phone and a car is two years older than me, i have seen him twice in the last two years, once when i took my kids down to were i come from for there feast week, and the other time at my grans funeral, since then we have been made homeless and then found were we are living now i wrote two letters one to him and one to my aunt both times i havent even recieved a reply, let alone a call, we cant chose our family but that doesnt make the wanting any easier, so like i said a lot of us can understand were you are comming from i hope you feel better soon
((((((((((((((((jacq10))))))))))))))))

Thank you all so much for your kind words... you have no idea how much they mean to me. As Katheryn said it sounds like so many of you all are hurting too, so i wanted to give each and everyone one of you hurting people out there hugs as well. We can support and lean on each other.

((((((((((((((((((hugs to all)))))))))))))

(((((((((Jacq)))))))))))
Your post made my heart swell.

((((((((((((((((((Pickle)))))))))))))))))))