I bookmarked a page

TRIGGER WARNING......

A month or two ago I found a website that listed the most common ways to kill yourself. It actually went in depth about what to take, what to do, what works, etc. I was really struggling, and continue to, so I bookmarked it. I actually haven't looked at it since that night, which is a good thing.

However, last night my husband was being nosey in my phone, and found that I had bookmarked it. His response was, "I found your page. You know what I'm talking about." That was the only thing said between the both of us, and I don't expect him to bring it up again. I haven't even told my therapist that I found this page, although I did tell the therapist at the crisis walk in I went to the other day.

I've visited that page. Hope you are ok, thinking of you. xo

I used to read sites like that a lot quite a few years ago (well, not pre-Internet.) I think it's a pretty normal thing to do if someone is having consistent thoughts about suicide.

Do you wish that you could talk to your husband about it and that he would understand that that's not a weird thing to do for someone who's depressed?

I'm not trying to be casual about having suicidal thoughts. They still are definitely a cause for attention to be paid. This can range from talking to a therapist about the experience to going to the hospital or ER if you feel like you're in danger of acting on them.

Have you heard of or read the book "Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide" by Kay Redfield Jamison? The author is a professor at John Hopkins, and she's also bipolar, so she has personal experience of mental illness.

The book is a combination of stories about people, a social history of attitudes toward suicide, and some textbook-like material on statistics and data from different countries. It's very well written.

I found it comforting to read because it made the whole subject seem less strange to me. It helped me to stop feeling guilty when I had thoughts about suicide, and to realize how important it is to be on guard for when and if the thoughts progress to a plan.

Hugs.

I have not read anything on suicide but when my mind wandered to the suicidal thoughts I would find myself listening to the song "Starry Starry Night, Vincent" by Don MacClean.

Hi AmyFed,

Any chance you could talk to your hubby about it and let him know that you were just feeling bad temporarily if that's true? He might have been gruff about it but he might be really afraid for you too.

- vital

I feel very torn on having a discussion with him about it right now, because we're already going through some stuff (posted in survivors of sexual abuse), and I already don't feel connected to him lately.

I think he has similar thoughts, because he told me that he feels like offing himself too sometimes. But the difference between him and I is that I go to therapy, and I'll discuss these thoughts.

The therapist at the crisis center took the thoughts very seriously, and my therapist always checks in with the thoughts too during sessions.

hi Amy

Suicide really is not the answer, because it totally destroys the lives of your loved ones and friends. Your husband would blame himself for not having done enough to help you and his life would be totally ruined and you don't want to do that.

But recovery is possible with the right medication and getting that can sometimes be a matter of trial and error till the right one is identified. And then you do need good coping strategies from your therapist to deal with depression. And beyond that you do need to have a purpose for life. This could be a charitable cause that attracts or indeed reconnection with something that fired you up in earlier times and has the potential to allow you to make a difference.. That way you will always have a reason for going on. I really hope and pray everything gets much better for you soon. Take care. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis

Hi Amy,

I read your posts in the other forum and I'm really sorry to hear about that horrible stuff with your husband. I'm glad you're talking to a therapist.

- vital

(((((Amy))))))

Thank you. I know it's not the answer, I don't have any plan on following through with my thoughts. My kids are what keep me from doing it. But the thoughts have increased over the summer, and my therapists know this thankfully.

hi Amy

Thankfully so long as you have your kids to keep you going on that is the important thing. Can your therapist give you any skills to deal with these thoughts or do you think the medication would need strengthened or changed? I really hope and pray this will improve for you soon. Take care. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis

I'm not on medication currently, and don't plan on trying anything again until I'm done breastfeeding. Personal choice, and my pdoc and therapist support me on it. My therapist just helps me cope with the thoughts by figuring out what it is about them, like I just want a break, etc.