[LelouchLamperouge]

I'm lonely and I feel empty right now. I hate myself. My T is on vaca for two weeks and I can't see her for another week. I hate myself so much right now for no real apparent reason.

I haven't cut for about a month and a half. I don't want to disappoint my T and I've made a promise with her to try not to and follow through with our plan. Hard for me to cut my wrist either cause my brother noticed my cuts 2 months ago, although I lied and said I don't do it anymore and it was from a long time ago.

Possible trigger:

I want to cut so bad and not just anywhere either. I want to on my wrist. There's no place else that gives me the same feeling and satisfaction as my wrist. I want to see myself bleed and watch it just flow out like my life energy is just slowly disappearing. I also want to bang my head and just continuously punch my face.

I've been having trouble with intrusive thoughts and idealization of dying and with scenarios where I never existed or no longer existed. Though I'm not in a emotional or unstable state where I would act on those thoughts. I texted my T about this though to just let her know about my idealizations right now.

Just noticed....my title doesn't really make sense/relate to my post either

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[Rohag]

Originally Posted by LelouchLamperouge

I don't want to disappoint my T

Fear of disappointing a medical or therapeutic professional, who is at best only a pseudo-authority figure, can create its own anxious, undermining dynamic. They are supposed to be working for you.

Originally Posted by LelouchLamperouge

Just noticed....my title doesn't really make sense/relate to my post either

It doesn't bother me. Please keep posting.

[francisR]

hi Lelouch

Congratulations on not cutting yourself for so long. That shows you have what it takes to beat that. But why should you hate yourself? You are just as good as anyone else on the planet. So there is no reason. You are good at most things not so good at a few just like the rest of us. Try to think of the good things about yourself and your achievements. That should help to paint a better picture. Just keep your mind busy doing things to take it away from depression. I hope and pray you feel much better soon. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis

[Fizzyo]

Hi, sorry you're feeling so strongly you want to hurt yourself. It is indeed a powerful urge which you have done well to resist for so long. I hope you can stay safe. I also hope more than anything that you will find a way to want to stop cutting for your own sake.