[ForPeace]

I have high anxiety, im very socially awkward and 3 and a half years ago i was diagnosed with PTSD. For as long as I can remember ive always been rather sad, I never had any friends at school, I was bullied nearly everyday until I reached grade 8, I never got good marks, I was never motivated to do well in school, I was 6 years old the first time I verbalised my suicidal thoughts, then I had my first attempt at suicide when I was 8, 2nd attempt when I was 16. I have been cutting myself since I was 15. Normally on my upper legs so I dont draw attention to myself. Im 24 now, im in my final year at college and im going to fail it, studying something I hate, I cant even get myself to open a book. I have no energy at all, ever. I cant remember the last time I woke up and was happy that it was today... I think about suicide 1-8 hours every single day (this has been going on for at least 3 years now) im unable to fall inlove.. I feel like such a burden to my family. I spend 90% of my time in a room. Ive completely withdrawn myself from the world. The thought of going out with people feels like an impossible task. I have no concentration. I enjoy nothing at all anymore. I cant afford to get professional help. I have tried to explain how empty I am feeling twice before but either they didnt think I was serious or they thought it was just a phase, and I hate feeling like im seeking attention so I cant get myself to bring it up again. I have tremendous guilt for some of the things I think about. I really have no purpose, no skill, nothing to live for. I dont enjoy this existence and I never have.
Reading this over I want to just clear the page without sending it. I cant believe someone as quiet as me can complain so much.

[RamblinClementine]

I think usually universities have health centers where they have counselors that should be more affordable. Even if you think you can't afford it, it is worth it to try to start to feel better and get the help you need.

[arabianhorselover]

There are many places that charge based on your ability to pay. Please check out all of your options.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, ForPeace.

I'm glad you didn't clear the page. You post is an excellent, concise summary of what you have experienced and of your current state.

Originally Posted by ForPeace

I have tried to explain how empty I am feeling twice before...

To whom did you try to explain - family, friends, medical professionals?

Originally Posted by ForPeace

I cant get myself to bring it up again.

Yes, that can be most difficult if not impossible. Save your post. Use it instead of trying to speak. I and at least some others here have done that with our posts.

[Fuzzybear]

[the sad queen]