[Shadow613]

I have been depressed as long as I can remember. When I was young it came with the face of

Possible trigger:

self mutilation

in a troubled teen. My family wrote it off as a phase when they found out, it wasn't.

Since then I've research and studied psychology, depression and a few other things in a bit to help myself through the years. I now have a great understanding with good amount of knowledge of the human mind and emotional system. This hasn't helped me fix anything but with it, I found a few work arounds that helped subdue the issue.

I liken it to almost split personalities (which it isn't), but I use that to explain it. It's like my issues are a caged beast, waiting to be let loose. I let those feelings happen. I let them come through as they naturally would. But I try to overlay the ideas and feelings I truly want. No one around me has a clue. It works fairly well. I go about my days with a smile knowing what's hiding inside me. Every once and awhile it surfaces. When it does, it's really bad, and through all these years I'm getting tired. It's exhausting me. The lack of sleep,will to move forward, and difficulty to grasp on to any passions I have left is draining. It's all slowly sucking the life from me. I question if one day I'll crack through the pressure, and if I do, what will happen through it all.

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[Skeezyks]

OMG Shadow613... I could have written this post... I think I have previously... I won't go into all of the sorry details. But what you wrote about the "split personality", the "caged beast", "knowing what's hiding inside", the exhaustion & wondering what would happen if it ever got loose, & wondering if one day you may crack... all of this is right out of my "playbook".

I recently returned to PC after having been gone for a few months. I still have old posts on here that are now attributed to "Anonymous". One of them, which I had taken down, went into a fair amount of detail with regard to this. It was bizarre... perhaps I'll write about it again. I'll have to think that one over.

Anyway, I'd like to send warm wishes your way with the hope that you might one day find a way to make peace with that hidden beast.

[Fuzzybear]

[Fizzyo]

Hi Shadow,
I can relate to some of what you say, particularly the exhaustion of surviving somehow, year after year.
Feel free to post anywhere you feel is relevant to you. The more active you are, the more likely people who understand and care will find you. People here have helped me through some dark times and I really truly hope you find encouragement here too.
❤️❤️❤️