Gotta get this off my chest and get some help.

Introduction

I included pictures of myself and the girl I liked, I don't ask you to read all of this but I had to type it out and if I can get any help with this. I guess I have to accept my past and accept the regrets that I have but it's still mind blowing to me that my life has been like this my entire childhood basicly.

Warning tldr but i wanted to share this and get it off my chest.
I really need to type all of this out and I hope someone is interested enough in reading.
I never got to talk about this with anyone in real life and my parents have not much idea either how this all happened, they do know my current situation though which is FA for years.

It's about my childhood and just my total obliviousness of self improvement and being aware, reflecting etc. enjoying the moment, i did none of those things.
If you like to read these kind of stories then here it is, I like to share and also really type this out now that I'm hopefuly finally making myself the person I want to be and enjoying my 20's hopefuly the same way the people in my town did in their teenage years, I remember when I was 14-15 and still well liked and well known that I was so worry free and it attracted people.

As soon as I was 15 I became much more introverted and filled with non existentent worries, mainly because of my issues with women.
Never pursued them, only texted alot every month etc, they would have my number without even asking me.
So I had this energetic positive vibe with guys and it attracted women but I would never proceed further with them.

I always had this being mysterious tactic that I used because I was in reality just in fear of the unknown and I thought my social status would make women approach me.
That did happen a total of ONCE and it didnt work out cuz I did not know what to say to her and how to escalate obviously.

Other girls were also very hot and usually texted but nothing further then that ofc.
I can't explain how I was so un aware of who I was and what I was doing with my life, starting from age 14-15 basicly.
And it never ended until now, this is honestly the first time in life I really reflected on myself instead of just doing what I want to do while having alot of worries at same time.
I'm INTP + ADD and that makes me the person I am today. And it feels so weird thinking about all of this when you have never really done it before at this level.
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At around age 17 my life ended basicly, have obsessed about ONE girl ever since even though I barely saw her in real life.

Also spent way to much time on videogames and just being a loner, smoking weed and drinking the occasional beer or red wine to keep myself content in this loner life.

I have had literally 0 friends past 4 years even though I couldve been banging girls and making more and more friends.

Granted I'm 21 but I missed out on all of that in my childhood even though I had a great life 14-17 with more then enough friends etc and chances with girls even though I never actually took a chance.

I really can't explain it, I have a pretty strong character and couldve developed a healthy energetic personality, It's just the wrong decisions kept stacking up and I never got to experience a girl.

Had to get this off my chest after reading this topic.
In a few months I'll be 22 already, I will start working out more and going to the local clubs alone to maybe see people I used to know and meet new people.
I will probably feel more positive because of this but it's all just a pathetic mess, everyone is living their lives and you are letting yours slide completely without even really being that concious about it.
Way to much thinking and no fun, worrying about NOTHING that matters right now. Just very trivial things about the girl and your friends etc.

I also realized that people are really fading away, haven't seen them in so long. So many of them probably don't even live near me anymore, I will meet new people hopefuly but it's just a scary thought.
I also remembered from the girl that I obsessed about when she was 16, a picture. I liked her back then and ended up never banging any girl.
Got stuck in life and never did what I supposed to do in my childhood.


I think I know what to do but we'll see if it really is gonna make my life as good as I want it to be
I have alot of catching up to do honestly, just enjoying time with people and experiencing and creating memories with them and with girls aswell.

I don't know what made me so unguided in life.
Also don't know why I thought people cared so much when in reality nobody really does, shouldve lived these years to the fullest.
Who gives a **** about mistakes, it's all forgotten within seconds.

Now everyone is getting more serious and I am about to live there previous life if I'm lucky.
I haven't created any kind of personality either because of being alone all this time, really hope I make it brahs.

I'm probably looking at this way to negative but I can't help myself, feel really unhealthy atm mentally.
Just to think about all the time my oneitis layed there in bed free of any worries just waiting for some guy to come **** her, and I lived this stressful life where I worried about how people percieve me constantly and other bull**** thoughts. Never giving women the time of day because of insecurities.

Everyone seems to have at least a worry free mind when they enjoy their weekend etc but i've always been the same ***got overthinking things etc ever since I got aged 15.
It's funny because my personality type INTP also says that you usually change drastically from an extrovert well liked guy to an introvert and that combined with my ADD I never reflected on myself and also never understood what I had to really change to get my old lifestyle back which made me energetic, happy, always attracting females like they wanted to go along for the ride.

(Girl I was obsessed about for all this time, well I didn't really obsess about thinking what to do with her, i just constantly opened up her twitter automatically and just followed her life all this time basicly while I never have done anything with her. We do have some kind of history where she used to send me 300 texts a month when I was around 15 and she also tried to get me to ride her home around that age once, then I forget about her for 2-3 years and started obsessing over her somehow.)


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What I mostly don't understand is why I didn't feel a strong need to change myself.
In order to feel energetic again and comfortable in any situation, to be able to get the women that I want.

I'm now 21, almost 22 and finally starting to change my life, it's messed up imo.

I just hope I can be smart about this and build some life long friends so I won't be the guy that wants to live the life everyone already lived while everyone else is settling etc.
Just embarassing man to think this was my life all this time, if I could go back in time to age 14 I would do all of this over again, no hesitation at all.
Decision made in about 3 seconds...

I would go through all the motions just to build a healthy social life, take my chances with women and do education right from the start.
I probably wouldn't even be that happy doing all this but at least I would be a balanced person with alot of real youthful memories..
Always discovering new talents and generally just attracting the right kind of people in your life.

What I wouldn't give...

Hi Raly. Welcome to Psych Central. Glad you got this off your chest. Sorry you face multiple challenges.

Sleep is one of the most important ways of helping me cope. I used to come home and take a nap I was so stressed. Sleeping can make a big difference.

If you want to remain more anonymity you don't have to give you town. Private message me if you need instructions how to edit your profile.

Glad you are part of our community. There are a lot of caring people here. Besides being an active participant in helping oneself at Psych Cental, many people also help support each other by replying to other people's posts. Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts). Depression chat meets on Thursday night at 9pm EST and Anxiety Friday at 8PM.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Sorry to hear you're struggling.

Hello there Raly and a BIG WARM WELCOME to Psych Central. Well, first of all I/we are glad you've found us, personally I KNOW you won't find a better, more assuring site as this one. There's lots of information if that's what interests you and there's also help by was of liaison helpers should you feel like a chat. You can have a look around the forums and see if you feel any of them, or even a few of them, relate to you. We have one for lonely folk.
What you're feeling isn't honestly unique to you hun, plus you are still very young. However, that's NOT to say I'm making light of your very obvious worries and concerns. Do you happen to have a therapist at this point? Just wondered as you really don't seem at all happy or content in any way. To be constantly lonely is a killer, it can make you very unhappy and depressed and that's why I mentioned a therapist, or any mental health care worker. Can your GP/family Dr help? I'm in the UK, so not sure how your system works. Later on you may well just make some friends and that's a good place to start Raly. Hope to see you around in the future.

(In the UK)
There is probably a counselling service or psychology attached to your GP practice. In my region it is Lift Psychology. (Which I have used).
The service is very good and they can also refer for counselling, in my patch, the primary care psychology is free, there is a charge for counselling, but consideration for ability to pay. You may not even need to see a doctor, in my area, you just make an appointment to see a psychology practitioner the same way you ask for doctor or nurse appointment (ask for counselling).
First session would be one to one to see what you need.
Don't be put off if offered group 'courses' as you're not put on the spot, no need to speak at all, but still very helpful. I would encourage you to make enquiries.
Best of luck