Despise nearly everything.

For the past few months, I have been exceptionally irritable and rather anti-social, though I have never been a particularly social individual to begin with. I have adopted a rather irascible mentality. I might add that this is my last year in high school, and it is a large portion of the trigger.

Shortly after I dedicated myself to extensive research concerning society, government, and economy, I concluded a life that I do not want. I do not wish to marry. I do not wish for children, do not wish for an average middle-class job. "But it is the path to success," They always taught me this. The path, the life I so despise the most, they- society- attempts to force upon me.

Follow my own path? Strive for my own dreams? Even if they are fundamentally, physically impossible by the very laws of space-time itself, people insist that any dream, any desire is attainable? So what is the default? Is this "average" life the default for every failed dream, or mind indoctrinated into believing there never was a dream? And then people speak, "just be yourself". They speak their hypocritical words and then blindly, ever so blindly, follow the masses- the sheeple. What is a life worth if it is paved, a life not from scratch, but a life from a simple micro-wave dinner. Guaranteed to live long but with no gratitude and no innovation.

I was force into this system by my government. They indoctrinated my peers and attempted the same to me. They have become, obedient, unquestioning slaves; never do they question the authority which has so "kindly" informed their every thought and action. And what happens the moment I address to them the issues of my thought? Neglect, double-think, self-induced ignorance. Our "every-so-kind educators" are the same ones who have trod our amendments time and time again. There is no freedom to speech, no freedom from warrantless search and seizure. But it is more, much more, than the rights which they have stripped from us. The creative passion, the immaculate desire for knowledge, and the infinite curiosity too- they are all the same. My peers, the same friends who I have acknowledged and so loved my entire life, are indistinguishable. Their beliefs are the same, their motives are the same, their goals are the same (ever so slightly differing), and even their perception- the very same. And ultimately it extends beyond the brainwashing system known as public education; society lives by the exact same mentality.

It is like a machine. This "machine" is society and its components are the people. Its products are the pure- the untouched, unwilling youth. Its purpose is to no more than maintain itself. And it is mandatory. By law. Until a certain age, one has no say in the matter, and by the time they have a say in the matter, they have already been brainwashed into believing it was, is, and always will be the greatest methodology of sustaining life.

I feel so angry, so irritable, so enraged. Every day. These are the people I talk to day after day. I have never let my frustration harm them by any means, even verbally, but it has built up inside myself. It has built to the point that I can hardly function in this system I so despise. My ultimate dream is unattainable by the laws of nature itself, the world I live in enforces a life I do not wish for, and the society which I reside expects absolute conformity. Where can I go from here without any purpose?

(I apologize for any grammatical errors as I did not proofread my statement.)

Hi there Krow!

There is a giant trick that depression has that I think might be at work here. Your anger and irritation sounds like it is rational and is based on convincing observations that you have made yourself. This may all be true, but it may also be hiding a secret underlying problem with you that is very close to the root of depression. See if these notes explain what's going on for you: http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB/BA.pdf - vital

Hello Krow: It is true that detaching oneself from "the machine" takes tremendous strength & bravery. And it is also true that, no matter what, there are physical laws within which we all must function. On the other hand, living angry, irritable & enraged accomplishes nothing. We have no power to control what others may think, say or do. However, we do have control over how we respond. So my perspective would be that it would be better to not allow what is going on with other people to upset you. Rather, focus on you can do in order to live a life as close as possible to the one you would like to be able to live, given that there are laws of nature none of us can transgress. Who knows... you might just discover something wonderful in the process. Good luck!

❤️