[Something is Wrong]

So this is my current situation. I'm sad. I wouldn't consider myself to be "depressed" because I don't get half of the symptoms other people get on this site. I know before (in my other episodes) I would get crying spells, psychomotor retardation, and all those other "physical" symptoms. Yet this time around I don't get those. Sure sometimes I do feel like crying but I don't cry.

I'm sad. And it's so pathetic because I don't even have a proper reason for it. I wake up and I think about death. I go to sleep and I think about death. I think about killing myself quite a bit.

Possible trigger:

And I also imagine myself dying from my own hands or jumping to my death

I feel like as if I cheated life. Like God doesn't love me anymore. Like I was supposed to die years ago and I didn't die. Like I'm living past the time God had set for me. I feel like I'm living unnecessarily. I'm living past the time I was due to die.

I've even went to the extent of thinking about planning it. (AND NO I AM NOT CURRENTLY IN A CRISIS. Don't worry). So currently I'm just living to get the day over with. Just waiting for the day to pass. I want to die.

But even then I wouldn't categorize myself as being depressed. I'm sad for no apparent reason with the thoughts of dying (been going on for 2 months now). Yes, I can still smile and still crack my usual jokes from time to time but that doesn't mean I no longer want to die. It seems like only those with major depression can get treated. I'm probably not even on that spectrum right now. I sometimes even feel like it's not even a mental illness causing this for me. Like I just am this way and should stop trying to look for other ways I can say is causing my thoughts when really I'm just pathetic and I am this way. Like it's in my nature to want to die and it has nothing to do with brain chemistry. Like it's just me.

I've even messed up my eating habits. I'm purposely eating very little (barely anything in a day). I'm looking for ways to cause me pain. And I also think to myself "Am I actually a person worthy of eating?". I'm trying to make myself weak. I want to collapse. I'm hoping to cause myself pain. I'm praying to die. I can't stand myself.

I'm tired... I'm just... tired.

[StillIntending]

Originally Posted by Something is Wrong

So this is my current situation. I'm sad. I wouldn't consider myself to be "depressed" because I don't get half of the symptoms other people get on this site. I know before (in my other episodes) I would get crying spells, psychomotor retardation, and all those other "physical" symptoms. Yet this time around I don't get those. Sure sometimes I do feel like crying but I don't cry.

I'm sad. And it's so pathetic because I don't even have a proper reason for it. I wake up and I think about death. I go to sleep and I think about death. I think about killing myself quite a bit.

Possible trigger:

And I also imagine myself dying from my own hands or jumping to my death

I feel like as if I cheated life. Like God doesn't love me anymore. Like I was supposed to die years ago and I didn't die. Like I'm living past the time God had set for me. I feel like I'm living unnecessarily. I'm living past the time I was due to die.

I've even went to the extent of thinking about planning it. (AND NO I AM NOT CURRENTLY IN A CRISIS. Don't worry). So currently I'm just living to get the day over with. Just waiting for the day to pass. I want to die.

But even then I wouldn't categorize myself as being depressed. I'm sad for no apparent reason with the thoughts of dying (been going on for 2 months now). Yes, I can still smile and still crack my usual jokes from time to time but that doesn't mean I no longer want to die. It seems like only those with major depression can get treated. I'm probably not even on that spectrum right now. I sometimes even feel like it's not even a mental illness causing this for me. Like I just am this way and should stop trying to look for other ways I can say is causing my thoughts when really I'm just pathetic and I am this way. Like it's in my nature to want to die and it has nothing to do with brain chemistry. Like it's just me.

I've even messed up my eating habits. I'm purposely eating very little (barely anything in a day). I'm looking for ways to cause me pain. And I also think to myself "Am I actually a person worthy of eating?". I'm trying to make myself weak. I want to collapse. I'm hoping to cause myself pain. I'm praying to die. I can't stand myself.

I'm tired... I'm just... tired.

I'm no professional, hardly, but one thing I do know is that depression takes many unique forms. Depression is just as unique as the individual who has it. A lot of the symptoms are the same a lot of the time, but not all depression fits into the one box that it is stereotypically associated with. I can't tell you anything for sure, and of course I'm obviously going to recommend you see a professional as soon as possible, but I wouldn't take depression off the table just yet.
You sound like you're trying to invalidate your emotions. That's something I have done my whole life and a large part of what keeps me as deep into depression as I am. So let me tell you this: Your emotions are valid. They exist. Labels can be nice and that can be eye opening and they can help you heal, but you do not need to fit perfectly into a box in order for your emotions to be real. Your emotions are completely valid and it is not pathetic or wrong or stupid to try to feel better. I prayed for you. Please keep posting if talking to the PC community helps you at all. We're here to support each other.

[vital]

Originally Posted by Something is Wrong

...
I'm tired... I'm just... tired.

Hi Something is Wrong,

I think the right first step for almost everybody is to get yourself checked out by a good M.D. for physical or nutritional problems. For instance, if you have hypothyroidism, you're going to feel tired all the time and that might well be dragging you down mentally. Here's what I think is the best plan:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

[TerriLynn]

[QUOTE=
I'm tired... I'm just... tired.[/QUOTE]

You are depressed. Just because you don't have some of the physical symptoms, everything you said in the post shows your depression.

The above is especially telling to me. This is how my depression manifests, I am JUST TIRED, I just cant get through another day. Its like swimming upstream all day long and just exhausting to live a regular day.

This is depression. You need to get yourself to your doctor and have an evaluation.

I may not be answering the question you asked, but you are obviously suicidal. If you do a web search for "suicide" + "brain chemistry", you can find many articles talking about glutamate deficiency and other biochemical imbalances in the brains of people who are suicidal.

People do not have to be depressed to be suicidal. Sometimes they're manic, sometimes they're schizophrenic, sometimes they have a psychotic break.

It seems to me that the question is what to do about it. The state of mind and body that you're described sounds miserable. I really hope that you'll see a doctor - a primary care doctor or a psychiatrist or go to the emergency room if you need to.

I hope you'll see a doctor and get some relief from the pain you're going through. I have been suicidal myself for months on end. Although it's been quite a few years ago, it was a miserable existence.

It was really a book that I read, Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison that convinced me that my brain is not well when I'm suicidal.

I think it is very possible. For example, it can actually be a side effect of some antidepressants. You feel just very flat or, detached. That is why it is so important to ask for help in the proper way and keep on top of your appointments. Also fill out a WRAP if you haven't already.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Something Is Wrong: I would say that, yes, it is possible to be suicidal without being depressed. I think this applies to me. I'm sad.... sometimes quite sad. But I get out of bed every day. I shower, shave, & do whatever it is that needs to be done that day. But, by the same token, if I believed there was anyone out there to pray for death to , I'd be praying for it. (And, by the way, I've actually been to that dark place more than once.) Personally, I'm ANGRY... angry at what was & was not done to me... particularly as a child. But even more so I'm angry at myself for what I, in turn, did to others, & how I screwed up everything. So, depressed? No, not in any traditional sense... just angry... I hate myself... However, I am also learning to accept myself just as I am. As the Buddhist nun, Pema Chödrön, has written: you can believe yourself to be the worst person in the history of the world. That's a great place to start! Those negative emotions are your treasure. As my Signature quote below says: "In other traditions, demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition, demons are accepted with compassion." I wish you peace.

[frillylace]

I feel like, everyone at some point just decides to give up. Suicidal is an emotion. A feeling. A terribly real feeling at that.

[TooIntroverted]

Yeah, I've felt that a bunch.
Like it's a tiring feeling. The kind you feel when you've been up the whole night and you're eyes feel heavy, and you just want to go to bed, but you can't, because you have work, or school in the morning, so you're trapped, feeling like crud. It's like that, but never ending.