[palerider69]

I fear this may turn into a book. My wife of twenty one years left me about a month ago, telling me she fell out of love and doesn't know me anymore. Now the back story: five years ago I had emergency spinal surgery. That one day cost me everything. My career. My company, my homr, and my cars. I fell into depression and didn't even know it. I turned all of my emotions inward and became a very angry person. 2 days after she left me

Possible trigger:

I sat on our couch, said my goodbyes and was ready to end my life

. An old friend showed up with my wife in tow and stopped me from pulling the trigger. My wife then say with me all night until I finally passed out at 5am. I have sense been diagnosed with severe depression and an starting to see a therapist. My wife has been diagnosed with moderate depression. I spent 15 hours sifting through the crap in my head and realized what I had done and decided there really isn't anything I can do about it and literally changed everything about myself. I'm no longer angry and shut down, but she is. I begged her to come home and try to work this out, which she did. I keep talking about all of our problems trying to get them out in the open to the point where it is pushing us apart. There is no affection from her. No intimacy what so ever. So I have 3 questions; #1 has anyone been through something like this and successfully saved their marriage? #2 how can I encourage her out of this **** down state? And #3 this change I have made in myself in response to this only temporary, and how do I make it permanent? Thank you for your help in advance.

[lowinmood]

Maybe there is nothing you can do to change her mind, we cannot force someone into loving us - so sorry to hear that you are going through all this pain.

[nicoleflynn]

You might consider seeing a therapist.

Hello,

I'm sorry for all you've been going through. My father had his last spinal surgery about 10 years ago, so I know more or less how awful this all is.

May I share a bit of my father's story with you?

He had his first spinal surgery when he was still in his mid 20's (he's in his 70's now).

This botched first operation left him with permanent injuries and since then he was left with kind of a foot problem (I wouldn't know how to describe it properly), as he couldn't move his right foot up. Fortunately in that case, he could still move his right foot down, so he could still drive a car.

He was in and out the hospital several times over the years, to get some physio done in order to relieve pain, put herniated discs back into place, etc. He never wanted to admit that he was then "disabled", so he would never turn down a chance to lift up heavy things and totally disregard his condition.

This caused more and more damage to his spine as years went by. A bit of physio and some self medication would fix things up for a while, then he was ready again for more spine neglecting antics.

Fast forwarding to 10 years ago or so, when he was nearing his 60's, his spine had had enough of abuse. That was the first time I've ever seen him cry.

He had written off the L1, L3 and also the S2, which was the offending party that result in his very first back surgery decades ago. Now this last surgery left him in a wheelchair.

He was never a loving or kind person to me, and him and my mother were constantly fighting. I don't know how much of his very first spinal operation is to blame for that bad behaviour. Not much I think, judging by the stories he would tell me from when he was a child and then as a teenager, all the bad things he'd done.

But after his second operation things went from bad to worse.

His relationship with my mother was always unsustainable at its best, and had now become impossible. Still, my mother did not leave (even though I wish she did), saying that she "had a purpose to fulfill" and other excuses like that.

Well, that's about it. I thought I could share this with you, because you and my father have the spine problem in common, and I know that affected him a very bad way and left him permanently scarred inside and out.

As for your relationship with your wife, well, I suppose you did everything you could to try and fix it.

It must be pretty hard for her to make sense of things, and I believe the experience was as upsetting and traumatic for her as it was for you.

I'm sorry I don't have the answers to your questions, but I hope you can find what you're looking for.

[TerriLynn]

Really all you can do is work on your own mental health, continue your therapy and encourage her to start her own therapy. If that includes medication, then great.

Trying to get out all your problems while she is depressed is probably not helping. If some of those problems relate to your behavior then just make the changes and let her see them first hand.

Remember, you cant make a person change, you cant make her go to therapy or get well. Take care of yourself first and foremost, and encourage her to get help.

[sotiredoftherain]

There are so many aspects to your post and I think the advice to care for yourself first and foremost is definitely worthy of great consideration on your part - if we aren't healthy, how can we work towards a healthy relationship? Counseling may be cost prohibitive for you but it would be helpful to have someone other than your wife to discuss your problems with - I would assume on some level she is feeling resentful about the past years of anger she has dealt with and is struggling with her own depression so counseling would likely be very helpful for her as well. One "issue" of my depression is that i have no desire for intimacy which as you are experiencing doesn't help the relationship but understanding the source (depression) helps. I'm rambling a bit here so to sum up my thoughts - work on you - you are a major part of the marriage equation. The same applies to your wife, which in turn can lead to reestablishing a successful partnership. Just my humble two cents - easy does it