holiday emptiness

guiltier65 · Nov 24, 2015, 10:14 AM

I am really struggling today to put one foot in front of the other. I am tired and discouraged. I am working on Thanksgiving day, which was my choice, but Saturday is our family get together. I'm cooking the turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, the pumpkin pies and deserts, the vegetable, and I'm just plain tired.
okay enough whining about holiday stress, we all struggle with that one. the joys of family, right?!
What is really bothering me today is trying to figure out self care without being selfish. I am a nurturer by nature and a very empathetic person. I can read people very well, so I know when they are upset with me or disappointed by something I've done or not done. I actually took part of a day off last week because I saw no hope for the future. I was so lost. But I felt like I was letting everyone down. My pastor is always encouraging me to have a servant's heart. I have too much of a servant heart. He says my reward will come in heaven. Does that mean this life that is hopeless and to be a better person I have to work myself to death? I don't let myself feel anything anymore, because it hurts too much to know that I am everyone's servant and that is my only value. I don't feel valued for who I am , only for what I can do or give. I'm so tired and numb. I'm afraid to let myself feel for fear I will shatter into a million pieces. sorry for the whining.

Fuzzybear · Nov 24, 2015, 10:56 AM

smartiesparty · Nov 24, 2015, 11:15 AM

Serving others is good but do not forget to care about yourself. Do you think you could work on the thanksgiving but also take 2 hours to relax ? You should let others take care of you for example. And there's no shame in asking for help for the dinner.

vital · Nov 24, 2015, 11:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guiltier65

I am really struggling today to put one foot in front of the other. I am tired and discouraged. I am working on Thanksgiving day, which was my choice, but Saturday is our family get together. I'm cooking the turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, the pumpkin pies and deserts, the vegetable, and I'm just plain tired.
okay enough whining about holiday stress, we all struggle with that one. the joys of family, right?!
What is really bothering me today is trying to figure out self care without being selfish. I am a nurturer by nature and a very empathetic person. I can read people very well, so I know when they are upset with me or disappointed by something I've done or not done. I actually took part of a day off last week because I saw no hope for the future. I was so lost. But I felt like I was letting everyone down. My pastor is always encouraging me to have a servant's heart. I have too much of a servant heart. He says my reward will come in heaven. Does that mean this life that is hopeless and to be a better person I have to work myself to death? I don't let myself feel anything anymore, because it hurts too much to know that I am everyone's servant and that is my only value. I don't feel valued for who I am , only for what I can do or give. I'm so tired and numb. I'm afraid to let myself feel for fear I will shatter into a million pieces. sorry for the whining.

I like what smartiesparty said. You can be compassionate towards yourself too, you know

- vital

DechanDawa · Nov 24, 2015, 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guiltier65

I am really struggling today to put one foot in front of the other. I am tired and discouraged. I am working on Thanksgiving day, which was my choice, but Saturday is our family get together. I'm cooking the turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, the pumpkin pies and deserts, the vegetable, and I'm just plain tired.
okay enough whining about holiday stress, we all struggle with that one. the joys of family, right?!
What is really bothering me today is trying to figure out self care without being selfish. I am a nurturer by nature and a very empathetic person. I can read people very well, so I know when they are upset with me or disappointed by something I've done or not done. I actually took part of a day off last week because I saw no hope for the future. I was so lost. But I felt like I was letting everyone down. My pastor is always encouraging me to have a servant's heart. I have too much of a servant heart. He says my reward will come in heaven. Does that mean this life that is hopeless and to be a better person I have to work myself to death? I don't let myself feel anything anymore, because it hurts too much to know that I am everyone's servant and that is my only value. I don't feel valued for who I am , only for what I can do or give. I'm so tired and numb. I'm afraid to let myself feel for fear I will shatter into a million pieces. sorry for the whining.

It sounds like you have something very real that's called compassion fatigue. You need a break. You need to pull back. Why are you doing all the holiday cooking? It's one thing to serve others, it's another to get burned out and not attend to it. Your pastor really should have addressed this with you, but pastors and ministers are the worst when it comes to ignoring compassion fatigue. Maybe make a New Year's resolution to pull back for a year. I went to graduate school and did my master's thesis on this subject because I wanted to better understand compassion fatigue. You can google it. There's now a lot more information on it. Doctors, nurses, ministers, working Moms...are all vulnerable. Good Luck. And if you are cooking all the Thanksgiving food someone else should do clean-up.

guiltier65 · Nov 24, 2015, 01:52 PM

I'm doing all of the holiday cooking because..... you're right. There is no good reason. and someone else needs to do the cleanup.

I am just at a point where I feel worthless unless I am serving others. Yet, my filter is failing and I'm afraid I'm going to end up like my tempermental bastard of a father. It scares me. I would rather feel numb and empty than hurt people I love with harsh and ugly words! I will look into compassion fatigue.

vital · Nov 24, 2015, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guiltier65

I'm doing all of the holiday cooking because..... you're right. There is no good reason. and someone else needs to do the cleanup.

I am just at a point where I feel worthless unless I am serving others. Yet, my filter is failing and I'm afraid I'm going to end up like my tempermental bastard of a father. It scares me. I would rather feel numb and empty than hurt people I love with harsh and ugly words! I will look into compassion fatigue.

Thinking of all you have is really helpful, and why not at Thanksgiving especially. Plentiful food anytime you want, family, fresh air to breathe, clean water to drink, medical and dental care when you need it, you can see, hear, smell, taste, touch, think, your body and mind still work, you have friends and family, you are safe from danger, you have all of human knowledge at your fingertips. I have these things too

everyone. Happy Thanksgiving. - vital

Nov 24, 2015, 03:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by smartiesparty

Serving others is good but do not forget to care about yourself. Do you think you could work on the thanksgiving but also take 2 hours to relax ? You should let others take care of you for example. And there's no shame in asking for help for the dinner.

Exactly.

Don't forget to do something for yourself - to celebrate yourself even in some small way.

Also maybe do something a little different or make a new addition to your day. Something that will take your mind off the humdrum of it being another holiday. Even a small thing changes up the day and might even improve your mood. I served a mulled cider last year that is still talked about. No effort yet changed things up and it made me feel good and appreciated.

And, feeling appreciated is a big win against Depression.

DechanDawa · Nov 24, 2015, 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guiltier65

I'm doing all of the holiday cooking because..... you're right. There is no good reason. and someone else needs to do the cleanup.

I am just at a point where I feel worthless unless I am serving others. Yet, my filter is failing and I'm afraid I'm going to end up like my tempermental bastard of a father. It scares me. I would rather feel numb and empty than hurt people I love with harsh and ugly words! I will look into compassion fatigue.

Your post reminded me of when I used to do up family Thanksgiving...everything myself...planning the menu, shopping, decorating, cleaning, cooking, more cleaning. Yuk. Finally the "spell" of martyrdom broke and it was decided that relatives could bring a dish. The year my ex-sister-in-law brought the turkey I almost fainted with shock. Thank goodness all that's behind me but I remember the endless thankless work, the going numb, etc. All of it. You are not alone. (I am now feeling guilty I will be cooking for one this year - me - and then going out and playing around town without all that responsibility.)

continuosly blue · Nov 25, 2015, 09:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guiltier65

I am really struggling today to put one foot in front of the other. I am tired and discouraged. I am working on Thanksgiving day, which was my choice, but Saturday is our family get together. I'm cooking the turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, the pumpkin pies and deserts, the vegetable, and I'm just plain tired.

**********Hi Guiltier , I'm a guy who couldn't cook a Thanksgiving dinner if someone offered me a $1,000,000,000 to. But I've seen people do it. The thing is there are some people who won't even let you touch a pot because they WANT to do it themselves. What you didn't say was how big is your family ? Are there people who would help if you if asked them to ? Or are they just waiting to be served by you. If you can't do this yourself then you better ask for help or tell everybody it won't get done. And your not whining !

What is really bothering me today is trying to figure out self care without being selfish. I am a nurturer by nature and a very empathetic person. I can read people very well, so I know when they are upset with me or disappointed by something I've done or not done. I actually took part of a day off last week because I saw no hope for the future. I was so lost. But I felt like I was letting everyone down.

***********You feel like your being selfish for wanting to take care of yourself ? How did you buy into this ? You must have been a slave ,not servant ,for a long time with little self esteem if your afraid to say your tired. I was like you ,a real people pleaser ,putting everybody else first. Then what I finally read in people was that I was being used and played the fool. To the point of physical and mental collapse.

My pastor is always encouraging me to have a servant's heart. I have too much of a servant heart. He says my reward will come in heaven. Does that mean this life that is hopeless and to be a better person I have to work myself to death? I don't let myself feel anything anymore, because it hurts too much to know that I am everyone's servant and that is my only value.

***********I'm sorry but your pastor talks a good talk but I bet he gets everything done for him. That's all I'm going to say on that. Except this ,my religious beliefs contributed greatly to my guilt complex and the "martyr syndrome ".

I don't feel valued for who I am , only for what I can do or give. I'm so tired and numb. I'm afraid to let myself feel for fear I will shatter into a million pieces. sorry for the whining.

**********That's it right there. Your only valued for what you can do or give. You said you were good at reading people well that's why the fear to feel and to acknowledge what you really know is the TRUTH ! Your probably being used. Tell everybody your tired this year and could use some help or there are plenty of restaurants around.
Take care,

Mentally a mess · Nov 25, 2015, 09:54 PM

As some have said, it is important to care for yourself also, even if just a brief amount of time. It can be difficult when you worry about others, I know how that feels haha.

guiltier65 · Nov 30, 2015, 09:13 AM

Thanks for all the replies to my post. It helps to have people clarify what is going on in my head and heart. Thanksgiving is now over and I'm just numb and tired. It was good to see my family and I think all had a good time. I worked Thanksgiving day and got at least 3 texts over the course of the weekend asking me to work me. I refused. Now I am back at my day job, and I just want to hibernate. It is cold and rainy again today and that isn't helping at all. I couldn't even watch "Frosty the Snowman" the other night without crying. My poor husband feels so helpless. I'm so done.

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