[EasternJohnDoe]

So, I made this short introduction post in which I revealed how I stumbled upon this community and briefly described my problems:

I found my way to this community by browsing the internet for online psychological advice. I feel like I should've sought advice a long time ago but my very limited financial possibilities prevented me (and, to some extent, still prevent me) from doing so. I am not sure whether I suffer from depression or not, but it has been months since I started feeling misserable about myself and last night I found myself crying in bed at the sorry state of my life and huggiing the blanket to my chest in a university dorms room which I share with four other guys! (it was past midnight and thankfully they were all asleep) I did not suffer childhood trauma and I do not have any suicidal thoughts, but I feel misserable about the choices I made during the last two years of my life (the faculty I chose, the friends I made that never offer comfort and feel more like distant acquaitances) and most of all about lying to my parents about me attending all courses and everything being well. (or disapointing them if I opt to tell the truth) I'll post more under depression as I believe there are multiple causes to my grief, but the reason why I came here is to realize whether I suffer from depression or not, to find the root of my problems and seek professional advice.


Now, all these feelings of pain and regret which seem to be overwhelming are pretty new for me, so I'll tell you how it all started. Since I was a kid I dreamed of making significant contributions to the world around me - I was always an idealist and a dreamer. At first I had hoped to become a scientist and I could remember reading some astronomical and scientific encyclopedias for kids as early as 8. After some years passed, I realized I wasn't good enough with math to contribute in those areas, but it didn't matter too much as I began to be fascinated by the study of ancient historical civilizations, political and economical theory and sociology, and I was always top of the class in the related subjects throughout highschool. I never let go of the idea that I should do something, no matter how unimportannt, (the idea of discovering a few new artifacts at an archeological dig also felt appropiate) to leave my mark upon history. I wanted to do more with my life than have a family and raise offspring, but when I finished highschool I made a terrible choice that led me where I am. In my native country, Romania, most archeology/sociology/anthropology students survive on the minimum wage (about 350 dollars a month) for more than a decade after college (IF they even get a job) and they never get significant raises. Thus, there was lots of pressure from both my parents and teachers to consider the practical side of the argument and not follow my passion, and this is how I ended up enrolling in an accounting bachelors degree. It was fine for the first year or so, (even got a scholarship) but then I started asking questions. Would I be fine doing a job I grew to hate more and more by the day just because it pays a decent wage? Would I want to spend my life balancing some people's assets and liabilities? I started hating what I do, hating myself for choosing to do it and losing the will to attend classes or study no matter how much I try. This spring I failed 2 exams out of eight and I have to take them next year. Also, I always respected my parents and how they sacrificed a part of what little pay father earned (he is a coal miner, so it's really hard earned money) to give me a good education at a good highschool and now finance my studies in a big city... How could I tell them this was all for nothing? How could I tell them that I hate the prospect of doing what my faculty teaches me to do for my entire life and that they sacrificed themselves for nothing? I can't, but on the other hand I can't do something I hate for 40 years (till I retire) just not to disappoint them...

I also feel... very lonely! I have no real friends here. All my best frineds from highschool are in other parts of the country and all my best friends from the Erasmus student exchange in Bologna I took part in during the first semester of my second year of studies (last autumn and winter) are in other parts of the world now! I have no one but my mother, father and little sister who I could confess my feelings to and I don't want to burden them with my problems. It's also worth mentioning that I feel a bit like an alien in Romania now. I never left the country until my stundent exchange experience, and when I did, I felt more at home between foreigners whose language I barely spoke than in the city where I study! Why? Because there, unlike home, very few of the people I met tried to force their religious beliefs upon me (I'm an atheism-leaning agnostic - not the militant kind) and none of them were openly homophobic, nationalistic or racist as even many of the "friends" I have in the city where I study are. (western Romanian society is horrendously biased in this perspective) I debated politics, history, astronomy and many other topics with foreigners on the internet when I was a teenager, I enjoyed British and American literature and media all that time and when I had also experienced life in western Europe I felt even more that I don't have a place in my country... These kinds of things were bearable before, but now I can't open myself up to a person who discriminates entire groups of people based on race or sexual orientation, so here I am hoping for support from strangers I feel closer to... The only persons that fill me with joy and make me feel good and happy here in Romania are my old friends and my family (especially my little sister who I spent a lot of time with and taught many things). I thought about many possibilities - forcing myself to study and get the degree so as not to disappoint my parents, then work for a year or two and eventually emigrate to the UK or Italy and do another degree in what I truly love there (although this feels harder and harder to accomplish), to simply abandon school now in my terminal year, work a low-tier job in the west until the fall of 2016 and then basically do the same as in option 1 (there are tuition free bachelors degrees in Scandinavia and a very convenient government loan scheme in Britain) or just strive to "man up", go to classes, get my degree, get a job as an accountant, be responsible and stop thinking so much about friends, moral support, passion and vocation, but the only result this last option yields is making me think I am commiting an even bigger mistake than in highschool and consider even more the futility of a life lived in the shade of a job that makes you unhappy and unfulfilled. And while abandoning school and leaving the country (I have a couple hundred euros in economies from past scholarships) seems the eassiest option for me, my parents could be devastated by it, and I'm not sure I could live with myself if I do that to them.

I guess I just hoped for some sympathy and a clearer perspective on things by coming here and posting this, so... sorry for the terribly long message! It's just that after the crying in bed episode I... I had to tell this to someone or write it somewhere!

[Skeezyks]

Hello EasternJohnDoe: Unfortunately I'm about out of time this evening. So I don't have time to read your long post. But I'm leaving this brief message. I'll try to read & reply tomorrow if others have not jumped in, in the meantime...

[Nammu]

Does your school have counselors you can talk to and find out if you need professional services? It sounds like horrible anxiety is nearly crippling.

I know how it feels being forced by well meaning family and counsel to have a practical career plan. I wanted to major in archeological studies and was pursaded not to.

[hopeless2015]

Hugs to you..I agree about seeing a school counselor... It can't hurt and you might find its actually helpful

Sent from my XT1058 using Tapatalk

This time of year tends to magnify our depression. Feelings of being alone, overstretched, and even being put on the spot culminate in a sense of being overwhelmed and unable to cope. It doesn't help that the nights are long and the days cold and dreary either.

It is too late for this time of year but I suggest getting yourself a therapy lamp for the next.

In the meantime know that the solstice is just around the corner and the days will rapidly begin to grow longer.

If there is no counselor at school seek out a teacher. Talking to your family doctor is always a good idea too.

[Skeezyks]

Hello EasternJohnDoe: Okay, I read your post! One thing I'm a bit unclear about is how close you are to graduating. Perhaps I just missed it. But I have the impression that you may be getting close. If that is the case, then, it seems to me that whatever else you do, it would make sense to "power through" & finish your degree.

That said... I'll tell you that I am an older man now. I was an only child. I can't say that my parent's had any particular expectations for me other than that I should do "something". Back when I was in college the common wisdom suggested that all one needed to do was to go to college & one would do well. It didn't really matter what you studied. This, of course, turned out to be completely false. Those of us who didn't study something that would lead us into a specific field of employment were left adrift, not being qualified to do much of anything. Allot of us studied things like English literature, philosophy & history. I personally didn't like college & I didn't really care about anything I was studying. I seldom went to class, nursed a growing depression & actually flunked out a couple of times. The good thing was that I was paying for school myself & so I wasn't particularly beholden to my parents financially. I did finally graduate, went on to graduate school, knuckled down, & actually did well! In spite of this, however, I still never particularly liked what I was doing. I just sort-of fell accidentally into a vocational track & continued on. Depression & anxiety continued to dog me as the years went by until around age 50, my ability to just keep putting one foot in front of the other finally just collapsed. Since then, I've just been on kind-of a slow downhill slide.

So, with that as background what I want to say to you is that, from my perspective, trying to "man-up", do the "responsible thing", & be the person your parents might prefer you to be is a prescription for future unhappiness. You presumably still have allot of years ahead of you. And slogging it out day-in & day-out doing work you hate is just inviting sadness & perhaps even despair into your life. From what you wrote, it sounds like you're already headed down that road. And you haven't even finished school yet! I understand that disappointing your parents would be difficult. And, if there is some way to avoid or minimize that, this would certainly be a good thing. But the reality of the situation is that you have allot of years ahead of you. Many of them may be after your parents are dead & gone. How will you feel when you're ... say... 50 years old, sitting behind a desk doing accounting work... your parents are perhaps gone, your sister has her own life & there you are? And maybe by then, you have a family of your own along with the financial obligations that entails & you're stuck.

I can't tell you how to get to a place where you can live the life you want for yourself. But my experience tells me that doing so is worth whatever effort is required in order to get there. Yes, certainly try not to harm others in the process as much as possible. But realize that you have to live with yourself your entire life. You already know what pursuing a course of study you have no interest in is doing to you. So I would encourage you to find a way to live the life you want for yourself, not one you perceive others want from you. If you need help figuring out how to make this happen, or if your current level of depression is such that you cannot make the decisions that need to be made, then seek the services of a qualified therapist or counselor who can help you sort out & reconcile the various factors that need to be taken into consideration. I wish you well...