[Nalu]

To put it bluntly, I need some advice.

I am 18 now and depression is totally messing with me. I come from a family of 4, now 5, as grandma was brought here. I never agreed with her being brought here because I was aware of what it was to come.

I was never close to her even tho we visited her every summer. All I remember of her is doing chores with mom and me being alone. Now she is no longer able to care for herself, showing signs of senility and being unable to move much.

My relationship with family is lacking. I do not have friends, or more like, I am not allowed to make friends as they would "negatively influence me". I am not allowed to talk to anyone that has the gender male, or it equals with me flirting and "whoring myself out".

I am depressed and for a few months I was highly suicidal (now I am no longer with that kind of mindset, so do not worry). I am always alone. I have no apettie and self-harmed. I left the town this summer (after months of begging my mother) for college. I lived alone and it was heaven. I had days when I could not get up from bed but I was relaxed. I had one chance at it tho only and failed my entrance exam. Mom was really happy and demanded I return home. I feel trapped.

When I was gone, all she ever said was how hard it is to take care of grandma without me. That was as close as she ever came to saying that she misses me.

So this is my life now: I hardly eat, sleep a lot (I forgot to mention but I was also forced to quit the first job I ever got thanks to my dad that did not like me being away for 8 hours. He was going on about the money being too little and stuff) and have mom push the responsibilities of feeding grandma to me as she is busy taking care of her eldery friend (poor old lady, widow, her son is a schiophrenic but she has two other daughters from her late husband's marriage, she raised them herself). Fun fact: I got real low results on my final exam because I was home alone taking care of grandma for 5 days. I have a lot of aunts but none help. I understand to some degree, she is pitiful, but all I feel is resentment.

My mom does not know about me self-harming but is aware of my lack of apettite (one meal per day, usually very little too) and also of me dealing with social anxiety and depression, but shrugs it off as being hormones and all due imaginary stress.

I am jealous. Jealous on my grandmother that gets all of her attention and on the old lady she always takes care of. I am angry. Right now I am real sick (physically), can hardly stand up but i have the obligation to feed grandma as mom "has" to go to church (a place where I am forced to go too weekly and pretend being interested in or I will be made guilty of disappointing everyone, even tho i am an atheist). I have terrible back pain due scoliosis yet I am the one to help mom lift grandma every time or she again makes me feel like the lowest person on earth. Neither my brother or dad has the obligation to help unlike ms yet I am constantly compared to them. Brother is a saint and father is the monster I resemble.

I am the girl in the family. That is her reason. I feel like a slave. I need time, I need affection, I need support. What I get is "i am busy". I have tried talking to mom several times. It failed and backlashed. She only understood I am horrible for not helping her, then she started crying because "she has too many responsibilities (that she took on herself) and no one ever helps her!"

My dad is abusive and the source of my mental instability. He is not as violent now, but not much has changed. I remember hitting my head against walls as a 6 year old to punish myself. Funny. I self harm for the same reason. I am still trapped there.

I feel guilty for being like this. I feel guilty for hating to take care of my own grandma, and even guiltier because i feel no affection for her. She is just like a stranger. I do care about her health, but I do not see how I am supposed to care for her when I can hardly care for myself.

I am twisted and resentful.

I am disgusted with myself. I am horrible. Yet I feel like a victim. I blame myself then stand up for myself.

It's driving me crazy. And it's been almost two years since grandma came here. I am starting to get confused. Am I really the victim or just some twisted human being? I start to believe the insults. Maybe they are right. I should suck it up and do my job.

I cant tell anymore. I need someone to clear up this mess in my head before it explodes.

[marmaduke]

You are not twisted, you are not disgusting or horrible.
You are normal, you are a victim, and being used as a slave no wonder you feel resentful.

Are there any jobs like residential ones, where you could live in. A hotel or something, you could save every penny you earn towards more education. They might be crappy jobs but at least you get away from home and get paid.
I don't blame you for hating grandma looking after this old woman is not your job.

[Nalu]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

You are not twisted, you are not disgusting or horrible.
You are normal, you are a victim, and being used as a slave no wonder you feel resentful.

Are there any jobs like residential ones, where you could live in. A hotel or something, you could save every penny you earn towards more education. They might be crappy jobs but at least you get away from home and get paid.
I don't blame you for hating grandma looking after this old woman is not your job.

Thank you... I can't tell you how much this helps. I was really on the verge of tears when I wrote that... I feel that my head has cleared up a bit...

I did try looking for such jobs but I found none. I live in a tiny town. I have next to no experience in the working field and barely any qualifications so it's hard to get hired for any kind of job.

I am currently trying to work online as a freelance conceptual artist but it's not going too great as there too I lack experience.

The impossibility of having my own source of income to move out is one of the reasons I feel so trapped. And there is also the lack of motivation that sometimes prevents me from leaving the bed...

I guess I need to see a therapist before anything can happen...

[marmaduke]

A therapist would help and maybe meds to help lift you out of the fog?

[avlady]

yes if you can at least get a therapist and with any luck a doctor too you would be helped. i'm sad for you you don't deserve to be treated the way you are and were. you are a good person, and you do have interests too that you could someday use to your advantage. good luck

[Mountainbard]

You definitely aren't twisted, nor horrible. You're dealing with a very difficult situation. Being a caretaker is a very challenging and stressful thing. And I really sympathize with you for the way your family treats you. You definitely do not deserve to be treated the way you are. I don't know if there is any chance of you seeing a therapist or a doctor in your country, but if you possibly could they could help very much. And in any case please keep posting here. You can get a lot of good support and understanding here.

[Nalu]

Thank you for all your support.... I will act and see for myself if I can find a therapist next week. I think this kind of situation dragged for too long already anyway...