[Anony]

Is it so wrong of me not to attend our yearly family reunion tomorrow? My mom and I have decided that we are absolutely not going and my dad's a little upset with us. It's all the relatives on his side of the family anyways. I can't help but feel bad about not going especially when my dad reminds me all the time that this may be the last time that everyone's there (my grandpa and his siblings are all in their mid 80s). But I know that I would probably end up feeling worse if I did go. It's actually a long story but to make it short: we lived in a very small town for over 10 years and most of my dad's relatives lived not too far away or in the next state. Where we live it's rare to see a 'minority' (everyone's caucasian) including my dad and his relatives but my mom isn't originally from this country and well you can pretty much figure out that my sister and I get most of our looks from my mom. It's always been a struggle living in that small town and getting looks and hearing whispers from everyone including relatives. The only person that we get along okay with is my grandpa. Once we moved away from that town years ago we got to see how those people really were (don't want to get into details about that) but now the thought of most of them gets my blood boiling. Unfortunately because of my dad's job we now live close to the same area as before. My dad refuses to understand where we're coming from and he always defends his relatives. None of those relatives even like our family except for my dad and that's hardly an exaggeration (when we moved away they all said they wanted my dad to come back... alone). So, why can't I feel content with my decision not to go tomorrow?

[ab1018]

I would guess that you are feeling guilty and the "shoulds" are working on you.

Go with your gut feeling - you have to be true to yourself and your well being. I limit my family interactions with those that make me feel inferior, bad, etc.

Give yourself permission to make a choice that is good for you. It is okay not to go.

[Anony]

Thanks ab1018. I really needed to hear it from someone else saying that it's okay for me not to go. I do know that deep down inside, but like you said it's probably just guilt and the "shoulds".

my T actually tells me not to go to see family or to talk to them...

u sometimes gotta just be selfish in that u do things to save urself from harm
and its not a bad thing
tc anony
dont feel guilty theres no need to be

[Gabby2007]

Anony,
I think it's essential that you get to set the boundaries for your own life...boundaries that keep the good in and keep the bad out.

The harder issue here might be giving yourself permission to not only stay away, but to stop giving them free rent in your head.

I can completely understand your not wanting to go, your questioning if it's 'wrong'....I went through that same thing Labor Day wkend of 2006. My extended 'blended' family had a big reunion in Estis Park...I chose not to go, and it wasn't even about the money, tho many chose to believe that it was because of the money to get there, and also chose to believe it was because we had just moved (both true, but not reasons why)

In my families case, a family reunion is just a poorly devised tactic for them to continue telling lies that everything is okay....

Also in my case, it was one of the rare occasions that my older brother who is a quadraplegic, traveled to the reunion....since he had abused me, they still couldn't understand why I didn't go. There was enormous pressure tactics put on me to try to 'get me' to go...my absense was loud and clear, it isn't okay, this family is not safe for me to be there.

Back to you ~~~ whatever you choose to do is perfectly okay. Take inventory of what would fill you and bless you and honor the goodness in you, and it's perfectly okay for you and your mom to not go. You might even schedule that time to pamper yourself and your mom to distract that lying guilt that says you're doing something wrong....you're not.

[bipolar_bear]

It can be so hard when there is family conflict involved in a social event. But, you need to take care of yourself. If it is detrimental to you and your mom to go then I would consider possibly missing it. It sounds like you are wieghing through all the pros and cons and that is what is important. Do what is best for you. Take care.

BB

[asylumgardens]

I agree that you have to do what's best for you. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish if it is what you really need.

[sabby]

Maybe you can send a note or card with your dad to give to your grandpa to let him known how you feel about him.

I see no reason why you should set yourself up for hurt by going.

I wish you well

Hugssss
J

[Anony]

Thanks elsqueelio, Gabby2007, bipolar_bear, asylumgardens, and sabau2 for your words and advice. Well we decided not to go after all and I'm very glad I stuck with that decision. We were still pressured to go again today but we flat out said no this time. My mom and I took the opportunity today to spend time with each other (go shopping, have lunch, do some Father's Day shopping, etc.) and ended up having a great time. It's very hard for me to make decisions lately (let alone stand by them) so I do appreciate everyone's help and encouragement in doing what I feel is right.

[sabby]

Sounds like you had a wonderful time with your mom. That's great! I'm sure your dad will get over the disappointment of you not going with him.

Take good care!

Hugsss
J

[tranquility]

Great job - being true to yourself

Tranquility

[Gabby2007]

proud of you! thanks for letting me know what happened.