[Little Jay]

I've had depression on and off for 6+ years now, it tends to come in waves of a few months at a time, the longest being about a year. It's been about 6 months since I was last in one of my "depressions" but even when I'm having my "well" times I still struggle.

It's like I doubt everything that I'm feeling and thinking - is it real or is it just my mind playing tricks on me? I get paranoid about things, and then i'm worrying that i'm just going crazy and it's all in my head. I'm supposed to be making the most of being more positive and not being depressed, but instead i'm just doubting everything. It's like I've completely lost the ability to "feel" normally because I feel like I don't really know what I'm feeling.

I suppose it's better than being hopelessly depressed, at least I can still get on with things in my life, but sometimes I wonder if I would prefer to be depressed because at least then I'll be certain about what I'm feeling.

When I'm not depressed, my anxiety is worse than ever, and I become so paranoid, I always believe that people are talking about me behind my back or think that secretly everybody hates me. It's so horrible because I feel like I can't be normal around people because I'm always thinking about what have they been thinking or saying about me. Even when people are totally fine with me I believe in my head that they aren't, but then I'm back to doubting myself again - which people are fine with me and which aren't, am I just being paranoid?....

I'm driving myself mad

In these times, I am off my meds, and I don't see any pdoc or t because I just want to be as normal as possible, but then I find when Im feeling like this I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to who will take me seriously or understand. But then I feel like I can't go to my GP for a referral for something as silly as all this, and I don't want to seem like I'm just wasting their time.

Does anybody else struggle with the times when they aren't depressed? It all just feels so wrong its like I don't know how to live normally any more. Even looking back at all this I have written I'm doubting if its even how i'm really feeling. I think I've lost the ability to feel properly all together.

[TishaBuv]

My depression is a reaction to a couple of difficult relationships. What triggers you?

[Marla500]

I've struggled with this all my life to the point I don't think I know what normal is. Even when I'm doing ok it seems to to be there at a low level, which would not be so bad if I could figure out how to keep it from flaring up. I don't have anything helpful, just know you are not alone.

[Suraya]

sometimes I wonder if I would prefer to be depressed because at least then I'll be certain about what I'm feeling.

Yes. Sometimes I 'miss' depression because I don't feel anything.

[salix]

Originally Posted by Little Jay

In these times, I am off my meds, and I don't see any pdoc or t because I just want to be as normal as possible, but then I find when Im feeling like this I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to who will take me seriously or understand. But then I feel like I can't go to my GP for a referral for something as silly as all this, and I don't want to seem like I'm just wasting their time.

Hi Little Jay. I'm sorry you are feeling anxious and doubting/confused. Even if you are no longer depressed, it sounds like you are struggling some in other ways.

You wrote that you've thought about contacting your GP to ask for a referral, but feel you can't. I also sometimes deal with the feeling of not wanting to waste other people's time. I just wanted to say that if you feel asking for a referral might help, go for it. From what you wrote, it doesn't sound silly to me.

I guess I'm of the opinion 'why suffer through if there's a way to make it a bit easier?' By the way, I totally sympathize with not wanting to deal with any of that sort of thing--t appointments and the like--and just be 'normal'/live your life! Maybe an in-between option would be to see if there's someone who would do a sort of consultation with you? A couple sessions, if you wanted, with a targeted focus. Maybe there's other things, too, that you could do to help yourself through, in addition to the excellent things you're already doing (doing what you have to do and following good usual routines).

After going through a difficult period myself, things were kind of weird afterwards for some time. I think going through the experience was itself injurious. I hope things get better for you