[doctorwho737]

*I realize this is a very long post and esp with the added link but I felt the need to explain and vent so if you have the time please read and talk to me about this..thank you so much!*

Hey all..I have posted here a few times before and a matter of fact this (admittedly very long) post kind of gives yu an idea of the abuse I suffered to get me and what went on..http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...g-support.html

Now I am awaiting a disability decision with no income still living with the same person who did all of that.

I have no desire to do any kinds of simple tasks from general self care to getting the things I need to win my case (self sabotage???) A good example or two:

1.) My sleep schedule is insane and I stayed up till when I could have made calls about my case/getting appts etc etc but didn't...it's like I talked myself out of it.

2.) I have done some writing (as a matter of fact not to be egotistical I am actually very smart and talented) in the past and last night tried to do some but eventually procrastinated to where I don't do that either.

Mostly in my mind I don't see the point. My life has been garbage and I have no friends or family and no one loves me and I know I don't love myself.

I feel my abuse by a narcissist made me a psychic vampire..all my validation comes through others, playing the white knight and expecting rewards that never come because I have no other ways to connect with people.

In my house you stayed out of the way and watched form falling crumbs of love and attention and with my father this usually was preceded by what you could do for him.

This manifested lately with a friend who is an awesome soul and a female and who I do admittedly love very much, but the boundaries were set. She has a few things going on mentally and physically and I try to help...

She does not use me she was there for me but I allowed myself to get closer and open up and it's like I swallowed a mountain of emotion. It's like either I hate them and keep them at arm's length or I wrap them around me till I make them leave.

'Go away but stay right here'..my dad and others did it to me and it is now buried in my brain.

I noticed today she did seem distant and after yelling at myself all yesterday morning not to be so stupid to think a woman of her caliber would ever be interested in me, it put me right back at the start.

If I am hooked up to a 'battery' of another person I can actually do things. Maybe not things that totally break through my phobias and fears but if not it is like in my own terms, as if I don't exist...because one can't run without a battery.

Problem is now as before here I am with tears and anger and am thinking abut pushing away a close friend, who no matter what my 'wants' are is a genuine person in a world with so damn few.

But I'd kill it just to stay in my muck where it is comfy. Same thing with the fact she has an event I'd have to face my fears of going places alone for and then double that with the fact it involves her and her I am plotting an excuse..then that night I will be upset and if the demon in my head gets his way I will act like a jerk enough to push her away and then bang..he wins again...we stay miserable and we have validation of why we are losers.

I still smoke weed despite being able to afford it and this is after I went back after quitting in therapy...I thought I could handle it and it called and preyed on my mind the months after I quit as it is how I coped for years (hiding).

(It really sucks knowing all these details as to why and nothing ever changing...)

I do try, but without support I fail easily, these thoughts are very loud, they are how I protected myself for years and how I coped with being hated for years.

Does not help have the self help stuff does not apply to a guy with my legs and money situation or when I do make positive changes there is never a small positive event to keep me going uphill.

I am supposed to see a psych doc and I was in therapy but that costs ten dollars a week and I can't do that although I am going to try next month.

I have insurance and the state keeps me waiting on the county/state doc since Nov and the others covered by my insurance say they are full and as they don't get back in touch my thoughts make it easier to syop fighting (if only I had family or a friend or a person who could be there for me, this stress is too much!)

I know this is probably another long post but I really need help and support and I can't keep this up like this...they say maybe a year to three before I see a judge and can maybe get away from him and from here??

I'll go insane...

[Fizzyo]

Hi doctorwho, sorry you're struggling so much. I have read all your post, but have poor concentration due to my depression so may not have taken it all in- sorry! I do recognise your lack of motivation as a symptom I have with my depression. Sometimes it takes huge determination to do the simplest thing and it can be the loneliest feeling as you try to make yourself do it. Possibly aiming to do just one important thing in a day, saving the next most urgent for the next day could make the list less daunting and more realistic.
I feel for you and wish I could do more to help. Good luck as you try to move forward in this difficult situation.

[Rohag]

Getting away from your abuser is a priority. Have you talked to anyone in local social services (211)?

[Fuzzybear]

[doctorwho737]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Getting away from your abuser is a priority. Have you talked to anyone in local social services (211)?

Sorry for very late reply but he is older now and there are just echoes of the abuse and he is a full blown narcissist.

Not trying to be sexist or anything but would social services even help a 38 year old 6'5 male afraid and with no place to go?

Plus if the exp is anything like disability I might be worse off before then even get to me...

[dexter]

Hello Doctor sorry to hear you are struggling with this. The depression symptoms are very familiar, the procrastination, being unable to write, knowing no one is interested in me, are all things I struggle with too. Hope you can find some help. I would hope that social services would help you no matter what your age and stature, they should be able to help you find some appropriate avenues toward a better situation. Whether that is true or not I don't know, but I would imagine it might depend on who becomes your advocate and how they perceive your situation. If you don't get the help you need you might be able to find another source, it doesn't seem strange to me that someone somewhere in a position to help would find your situation compelling.

[doctorwho737]

Cheers Dexter!