[StillIntending]

I'm a writer.

I'm going to a scholarship competition at the college I want to go to, in less than a week now.

One of the requirements is I have to have a short story. I'm still writing it.

A week ago I asked my three closest friends if they'd read my second draft when I had it so that I could critique it before showing anyone else. They all said yes.

I got to that point yesterday and asked them all when they'd have time to read it, saying I needed feedback within a day or two. One of them actually read it last night and answered the questions I sent with it. One of them said she'd try but couldn't guarantee she would have time on such short notice, which I understand intellectually but still emotionally resent. As far as I can tell, she hasn't read it yet, by the way. The third, my best friend, refused outright. Well. He said "at least right now." But. It will be too late after this. Sure, someday he'll probably read it. But it won't be in time to help me finish it.

This is so ****ing important to me. This piece of writing is like a piece of me. I know his life sucks too. I know he probably wishes he could and doesn't think he can handle it emotionally somehow. Well. I hope that's the case. Who the hell even knows anymore. I have felt disconnected from him for weeks and I feel like the longer this disconnect keeps up, the further away he drifts. Important to note is that he has depression too, and handles it differently than I do. I take things out externally, whereas he represses his negativity, mostly, and plays video games to escape. When he gets very depressed he has a tendency to withdraw from most things, including me. We've probably hit that phase again.

I just. I thought I'd at least still be able to count on him for this. It's 8 pages long. I didn't ask him to read a book. I timed myself reading it slowly and it took me about 8 and a half minutes so I told him it would probably take him ten to read it and another fifteen maybe to answer my questions.

I feel really ****ing rejected because of this. This means so much to me. So much. These are the people I'm closest to. He specifically is my best friend. I didn't think I'd have to feel so guilty for trying to make them read this, and I certainly didn't think two out of the three of them wouldn't do it.

I hadn't cut in a month and a half but I broke that streak yesterday after he told me he didn't want to read it. I tried to not show how much it had hurt me, which hurt me even more, because usually he's the only person I can show my real feelings to, and it's gotten to the point where I'm back to hiding them. As soon as I show emotion he stops reading/responding to my texts, which probably means he internally panics and shuts off.

How the **** am I supposed to help this person if he always shuts off at emotion, firstly.

And secondly, how the **** am I supposed to maintain this friendship with him when he's hurt me so ****ing deeply and barely seems to care.

Someday, months from now, maybe even years from now, I'll bring up again how much this hurt me, because this was no small thing to me at all. He will probably reveal that he knew it hurt me but couldn't deal with that at the time. If we follow the regular pattern of these things, he'll end up telling me that he knows and I need to accept that he's actually just a terrible friend. Which is... true, at least for now. He's not great at friendship. I love him enough to keep trying, and so far he's loved me enough to hold on.

I don't expect that to change because of this. I just came here to vent because I would seem I have nowhere else to turn with this, and unlike him, I need to vocalize emotion in order to have a shot at moving past it. Obviously earlier I indulged in a maladaptive coping mechanism, the cutting, to fulfill this, but now here I am.

I can rationalize everything that happened. It just hurts. So. ****ing. Much.

[Fizzyo]

❤️

[festidump]

StillIntending - this is a wonderful place. If I couldn´t come here to vent every now and then I don´t know what the hell situation I would be in. Hope everything goes ok in the end. The support I have received here has been phenomenal and I hope you enjoy the same experience :-)

[StillIntending]

Thanks.

About a day after all of this ranting here on PC I actually came to terms with it and forgave him for not reading it. I don't usually feel the need to make an event of forgiveness, but this was a large enough infraction to me that I literally told him to his face that I forgave him for hurting me. You may say that's passive aggressive. It wasn't—it was no secret that it had hurt me. I said that saying those words was almost more for my sake than for his.
It's funny how immediately I did feel better, after that. It took me a while, but when I was finally willing to let it go, I did feel better. It still hurts. Just not nearly as much.

I came to PC when it seemed to me that all my friends had deserted me and that PC was my last chance at anyone caring about me. I became angry that no one here replied to my posts, and even when I joined a chat group for a while to try asking for sympathy there, I didn't get any. I already felt rejected, but this sealed the deal. I no doubt overreacted, but my emotions took over. That's in the past now though too. I wish I had not had to deal with my emotions alone, as that is no doubt what lead to my cutting again, but so it was, and there is no point looking at that day again.

The competition is this week. Even if I do well it is probable you'll all be hearing more angsty rants from me soon, lol. It's going to be a highly competitive event for quite a bit of money over the course of two days on a premise I'm not familiar with among a lot of people I don't know. To me, that sounds like a recipe for disaster. I'm afraid of not being able to cope with it all and having a breakdown at some point.

[Fizzyo]

Best of luck, let us know how it goes.

Congrats for forgiving him and Good Luck with the competition.