Depressed again...

A little background on me: I suffer from major depressive disorder, social anxiety, general anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. All of my disorders have been somewhat better over the past 7 years, but of course they aren't totally gone.

I have been feeling so depressed again lately, and I am 17 weeks and 3 days pregnant (with my first). I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones, or what. This is also day 2 of being on a lower dose of my main antidepressant (I am tapering off of it for my pregnancy). I've been feeling so worthless and inadequate lately... mainly in my relationship with my boyfriend. He hasn't done anything to make me feel this way, but I just do. I feel like I don't deserve him. I purposely say things like "you don't like me" as a means of protecting myself just in case it is true. If I say it, then it'll soften the blow if he doesn't like me. I don't know if that makes sense.

I am happy about the pregnancy, me and him both are, but when I get depressed I wish I could drink again. I wouldn't though. I care too much about this baby. I just feel like I can't cope. I feel that dark, raw, gnawing, aching feeling my chest again that depression once gave me. It's like it's starting from the inside, and will completely engulf me if something doesn't change. I currently don't have a therapist, and won't have a new one for another 2 weeks or so. I don't have feelings of wanting to kill myself, I know that for sure. I just want to numb the pain I feel. I don't know what to do at this time.

I would think your symptoms are caused by your decrease in meds and the thought that you have to go off them for for the baby. Hopefully this will be short term and you will bounce back in a few days. Be sure to let your OB know what is going on. I was off meds when I got pregnant and of course didn't go back on while pregnant and I ended up in a very deep post partum depression. I had no idea it was coming. But you are fore-warned and fore-armed in case it happens. If you keep feeling worse, do get help. Don't let it get too bad before taking action.

IrisBloom - Do you think I would feel the medication change after 2 days? I know I am probably setting up myself for a self-fulfilling prophecy by being scared what will happen when I am completely off of my medication. I saw an OB today, and she said if it gets too bad, that I can stay on my medication. I hadn't talked to her about how I was feeling though, because I am worried they might say/do something about me not being competent enough for the baby.

I appreciate you sharing your story. I am hoping this feeling goes away sooner than later. I want to be happy about this pregnancy, but right now I don't. I want to get off my medication for my baby. I'd feel so weak if I can't do it, but I already feel weak cus of how depressed I feel. I already feel like a failure of a mother.

Yes, not taking the full amount for 2 days can affect how you feel. It's your body adjusting to the decrease, and it's normal, but still I hope you can bounce back after a few days. Don't obsess about it, but keep an eye out. You probably have enough medication in your system that you won't suddenly drop into a deep depression, but it will be a gradual drop if at all. I felt fine during my pregnancy and was not depressed at all. That was why the sudden drop after birth hit me so hard, also I was not prepared, as you will be.

Don't beat yourself up if you have to stay on meds. Your wellbeing is important too. I'd give it a week or two, and if you are not getting better, then bring it up the doc again. No need to tell her more than necessary, tho I don't think they'd take your baby unless you were in really bad shape.

Definitely get help if needed at any time. Get to ER or call 911 if you feel like you are a danger to yourself or others.

PM me if I can help you at any time.

Thanks again for commenting. That helps me feel better! I will definitely keep it in mind.

Oh, yea, Congrats on the pregnancy!

Thank you! ^_^

I second everything IrisBloom said. Although I didn't take antidepressants when I was pregnant (didn't need to), I suffered from postpartum depression. And it was so much worse than I imagined. It also lasted longer than I thought it would, too.

Anyway, the only thing I have to add is maybe have someone watch out for how you are if possible. Sometimes I couldn't verbalize (when depression first hit) how bad it was for me. I wish I could have.

Congratulations and try to talk at people...FWIW, personally I would keep my obstetrician informed.
And not all of us are "good" at being pregnant. I for, one, never got a "glow". I really wanted a baby, but I could have done without that 9 months...

You are not weak.

I've dealt with depression my whole life. That PPD was a whole different thing than regular depression. To top it off the hospital where I went for treatment knew nothing about it. My counselor was a mousy little middle aged woman who had never been touched by a man. lol. I got better tho. I think being prepared for "if" might put one way ahead if it does happen.

@sophiesmom - Thanks for commenting! I am worried about this depression not going away, or it does and I get PPD. I am sorry that you suffered through it. I can't imagine what it really feels like. I have borderline personality disorder and it combined with depression is not good at all. I don't know if what I am feeling (worthless, inadequate, etc), is normal for pregnancy? My boyfriend is a bit frustrated cus I tell him I don't believe him with how he feels about me, etc. I feel like I've been a bit controlling of him lately too, like if he goes out and wants to drink, I get angry cus I can't drink, and I tell him I don't want him to anymore. I feel awful. I feel like if I can't even cope with emotions now, particularly the BPD side, then I will be a lousy mother. I don't want to pass on BPD to my child.

It is normal to have doubts at this time, and to worry what kind of mother you will be. But hopefully when baby gets here you will rise to the occasion and be a wonderful mother. Wanting the baby and being excited about it are steps in the right direction. With your first baby, you learn as you go. It might help to read about what to expect as your baby develops. I'm sure there are many resources online.

Try not to worry about things. Your med reduction and stopping drinking are for your baby, and that is a sign of a good mother. Selfish mothers do what they want with no thought of how it affects their baby.

Keep posting in your thread from day to day if necessary. I would love to follow your progress.

Hi. Medicine for depression makes me feel more anxious and jittery. I feel I'm in a loosing battle. Thanks

I don't have personal experience with BPD so I can't speak to that, unfortunately.

As far as what you are dealing with now, it could be temporary because of adjusting to a lower dosage. And you might feel all sorts of seemingly unrelated things. (I went off cold-turkey once....big mistake and not what I thought it would be like)

It might be hormonal changes. If you ever got pms badly, then it's like that times 10.

It might be a combination of the two.
So give yourself a time frame maybe...better yet, call your doctor and ask. If things don't get better in 2 or 3(?) weeks, then decide. In other words make a plan. You will feel more in control.

Just please be aware that PPD (if you get it, and you might not) sucks. Fortunately, help is available in the form of therapy/medication but (and this is vital) you MUST communicate with your doctor. You don't get medals for this, so do not try to just tough it out. There will be another human being to consider..If it gets bad, ask for help, take a break (get a family member over asap). Know that lack of sleep will affect you, too. In other words, be diligent.

Knowledge is key, here. That goes for your boyfriend, too Pregnancy was a weird place for me. I felt rather...defective for not enjoying it as much as thought I should (from what others said and what I read). And I did it four times.

Please don't take my experiences as being definitive, though. You may just get over this hump and feel wonderful for the rest of your pregnancy and not suffer from postpartum depression AT ALL...Either way, you can do this.