Concerns Regarding Isolation

Hi, my name is Jeff.

For anyone reading this, thank you for taking the time. If you identify with any of the stuff I'm describing, or just have any advice, I'd appreciate your words.

Some info on diagnoses, counseling, meds: I've been in an out of counseling for three years, and I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Took Zoloft for a year and it didn't feel like it was doing anything for me. I've done a few tests for cyclothymia, but received no official diagnosis and haven't had anything that feels like hypomania for about a year. Recently, I read about dysthymia and it was like reading about my own experiences. So, right now, it makes the most sense to me that I'm suffering from dysthymia (and possibly double depression). Considering going on medication again (Wellbutrin), so if anyone has anyone has taken that, feel free to share your experiences.

My main concern currently: I've been doing a lot of self-isolating for the past year. Part of me wants to attribute this to the stage of my life I'm in (I'm a senior in college). I have a ton of stuff on my mind, obviously, and it feels like things are just gonna end up wrong no matter how much I worry about them. This is a common thought for twenty-somethings, I know. The isolation has benefited me because it allows me to sit and ponder what I enjoy and what I could tolerate career-wise.

But I think I've been enjoying the isolation too much, and it feels like my life is falling apart a little bit. Or maybe it's just my relationships falling apart. I have a girlfriend who is the only healthy connection I have. We're going to move to Arizona in August when she gets into grad school. We both live in Indiana right now, so if I maintained any friendships I have right now, it would require long distance communication. I've carved out time for that communication in the past when my high school friends had to move to other states, and I hate myself for feeling incapable now. Perhaps it's not even incapability, but an outright desire to cut ties with the people I've cared for and who have cared for me.

I feel guilt for the ambivalence that has replaced my love and affection for the people who matter most to me. I leave texts and e-mails unanswered. Several friends have called me to tell me they think the friendship has become "toxic" because they have to do all the emotional labor, while I fall off the face of the earth. They tell me they have to end the friendship, and I tell them I understand, and I'm almost relieved because I don't have to end the friendship myself. There is no long-lasting sadness about this loss, but I am also someone how dissociates to cope.

Discussing my mental health with my friends ahead of time did nothing to prevent this; I understand these were decisions they had to make for themselves. I realize my decision to let my friendships die is affected by my mental health, but they're still decisions that hurt others, so I take responsibility while struggling not to hate myself. It just feels like I'm waiting for the next text/call from another angry, hurt friend.

When I get to Arizona, I don't think the guilt will be enough to stop me from isolating. I plan on cutting off contact with my family because I can no longer keep up an act on holidays (it feels like no one wants to be there, people are constantly asking why I seem so nervous, my parents were emotionally neglectful/physically abusive/gaslighting, and my six siblings have always seemed ambivalent about me).

My girlfriend will be the only person I hang out with. And I'm okay with that. It feels like I'm not going to be able to care enough about the people who want to be my friends, and I don't want to hurt them too, so I will just remain reclusive to prevent that from happening. But that isn't what I want. I want very much to not feel this way, but I don't know if I'm capable of following a social script anymore without becoming exasperated. It feels like anyone I encounter/get close to will sense there's something wrong with me, or say that I think too much, or will just ask why I seem so nervous.

There's more I want to say, but this post is long.

I am also isolated but not by choice , I could be wrong but It almost sounds like you are choosing maybe to isolate yourself because you are afraid of abandonment so you choose to abandon them first saving you the pain?

I'm new to this site but it seems you have come to a very good place to relax and not worry about being abandoned or judged

You're not wrong-- being isolated has been a huge relief, and I always planned on moving out of Indiana and living on my own for a few years after graduation. I'm still moving away and getting the isolation I want, but now my girlfriend will be with me for emotional and financial support. So the situation is arguably better than it could've been.

But my problem stems from how the isolation came about, how my friends have responded to it, and how I've responded to my friends. Currently, the only people I really hang out with are my girlfriend and my other roommate (Shirley). Shirley's easy to live around (she has social anxiety, so she understands how it can be hard to be around people), but even she has acknowledged that once we all graduate and go to our separate parts of the country, we probably won't keep the greatest contact and the friendship will die. Which is sad to hear, but also a relief on my end because I too thought it would go in that direction, knowing me.

So I've had three people already tell me they don't wanna be my friend anymore because it seems like I don't care about them, and it seems like I'll lose my other friends in Indiana before I move to Arizona. A few years ago, it felt like I had at least ten or fifteen people I was close to, and countless more I'd see at parties and other get-togethers. I felt like an incredibly social person, even though I knew I'd go off to live my own life at the end of college. I knew all those college friends probably wouldn't be in my life by then. I guess I just didn't expect to lose contact with all of them because of my own negligence. What we had was significant, and a lot of people reached out to me to stay friends, but I never responded. Because I guess I didn't want to. I've lost a lot of close friends and it feels like the loss never really hit me, so I feel kind of callous.

The thing that really gets to me is I set up these friendships for my own convenience. I liked that they were all people who would contact me first and suggest things that we could do, and I would just say, "yes," to the activity. I thought it was okay to set up my whole friend group like that. It took a long time to realize that other people want me to reach out first too, but once I learned that, it's like I didn't want to be friends with them anymore. Adding that responsibility when I had schoolwork, stuff to do in campus clubs, whatever, it just felt like too much. I didn't want to put in the work to maintain the friendships.

So now I have this isolation, but I also have an anguish that comes along with it. Nothing inside my apartment or out in the city feels like fun. It feels like I haven't had a personality this whole time and now I have to build it. I'm constantly wondering who I really am (which is also just an early-twenties thing, but still sucks). It feels like all the people who used to be my friends-- along with anyone whom I ever wanted to like me but never did-- are constantly talking about me behind my back and never saying anything good. I fear running into them in public because I would just have nothing to say to them. I literally run and dip into the closest building when I do see these people in public.

In Arizona, no one's gonna know me, so I won't need to hide, but I feel like I'll fall into the same patterns with friendships. I'm afraid of meeting new people because they might think I'm weird or too standoffish because I don't wanna get too close too fast. I worry about losing anyone I get close to and not caring in the way I feel like I should. But maybe I just don't process the loss of friendships the way most people do, and it's not something that makes me a bad person, but just a peculiar thing about my mind.

I know how you feel.

We moved from a different state. Although, when we moved I did not have depression, I chose to not communicate with friends. I don't know why. I think perhaps that a long distance friendship just doesn't work for me. I know I would probably call once a week. Then maybe email once a week, then once a month and so on until it just died. I do not "do" facebook, I personally don't like it.

When I moved here I made friends. But then depression started to take over and well, you know the rest. So, even though it seemed out of my control to lose the friendships, I feel very very guilty about it. I know it's not good for me to feel guilty and it's not good for me to limit my social interactions, but I can't help it. My friends know about my depression and those who have gone/are going through it do understand. I cannot expect any more than that.

Is it possible for you to make a new start in your new life? Can you at least try to? Or can you get some professional help so that you are able to?

And yes, I know that it's easier said than done and I really am not happy tooting the positivity horn. But that's all I got, ya know?

Hi Jeff,

From my own experience, isolation is the worst thing to do in terms of depression. Human relationships nurture the soul. Makes sense why depression attacks most introverts than it does to extroverts. Isolation is potential dangerous for depression because it thrives off of stagnation or opposite of elevation. Comfort or stagnation literally kills your neuro-plasticity which is the brain's ability to adapt. Although there is positive stress such as eustress, depression was triggered through distress which is an emotional stress or the concept of rumination which is dwelling in the past or dwelling in the future. This is interesting to me because this means somewhere down the line, we've failed to adapt to the stress.

I personally love isolation but it's better to be outdoors. When I have a depress episode, I found that I'm more likely to overthink and over anaylze things.

It is trying to separate oneself or the ego (edge god out) that makes our suffering worse. Strength comes from the connection with the universe and with people.

I hate to say it, but maybe your friends that end the friendship are not what you call true friends. True friends are blood in blood out. A true friend realizes that the ones who are the hardest to love are the ones who need it the most. They maybe did you a favor by ending it. See the positive in the situation.

Your anxiety, which is the rumination of the future has to do with self-image and a little bit of ego. It wants to approval of others to fit in the social hierachy.

There's more I want to say as well, but my reply might be too long lol. Let me know if this helps or you would like me to elaborate more.