[dexter]

I'm not back at a place where I am suicidal but I've had a lot of ideation for a few weeks or more. One thing I noticed is that usually I "snap out" of my ideation and realize what I've been thinking about that that scares me. But I can tell when I am in trouble when I find myself thinking about it and being very comfortable thinking about it.

Lately I've found I've added some strange (for me) ideation ideas to the mix. In the past ideation has always been formulating a plan... How, when, what things I would need.

Earlier this week I was thinking about crashing my car into a pole to get out of a work obligation... Not a fatal crash just messing up my car as an excuse to duck out to the chore the next day.

[dexter]

And tonight I found myself thinking about people calling an intervention if things were to get worse. And me refusing to go into a hospital, and how I could explain to them that they would be leaving me in worse state than I had started in and that the intervention would only be for their benefit and they would go home and i'd still be in pain.

[Fuzzybear]

[dexter]

Well I was obviously in a bad state when I wrote this but I'm a little better now. I had a horrible day at work and spent most of the day in my managers office crying and, I'm sure, scaring the **** out of him. I alienated my coworkers, I'll have to deal with that on Monday... I shouldn't have been at work today but I was a little afraid that I would hurt myself if I went home so I stuck it out.

Calmer now, I plan to work on my taxes tomorrow to keep me occupied, email my manager so he's sure I wasn't lying when I said I'd be OK, and on Sunday I'm planning the road trip that I cancelled for the snow earlier this month and that should be fun and uplifting.

I talked to my manager today about the fact that I think I'm losing my desire to find a therapist. I think that I've been struggling with ups and downs trying to work up the energy to find a doctor but the whole time I've had a vision of a path to wellness in my head. Pessimism but maybe a little bit of faith. Now I think I've lost that vision and therefore I have no more drive to seek help. It's been up and down so I can only hope that the energy comes back on Monday. In the meantime I should be OK through the weekend with my plan. I'm sure I'll be here a lot