[Lothlorien]

Okay that isn't the most eloquent subject line but it's true. I feel like such a failure with my life. About 10 weeks ago the meds that I thought were finally going to work failed and into the MDD pit of despair I plunged.

When I'm really down I can usually still function to a certain extent like I go to work most days and I can still care for my child but that is it. If I didn't have my son (he's 10) I would be in a hospital I'm sure.

When I'm in the pit I don't pay my bills, don't keep the house clean, don't socialize, don't do enough with my son. I went through about 1 week of SI, which was bad and I had a hard time hiding it.

Now I've been on a new med combo for just over 2 weeks and I've risen in the pit just enough to see what a mess I've made. Money and bills are the big problem that I have to tackle first. I don't have much debt, thank god, but I'm behind on everything including rent. The worst part is that now even if I have the money to pay a bill I don't because I'm ashamed that I'm behind which makes me more behind. Isn't that the stupidest thing ever?

I've completely screwed up my son's summer care because I didn't get the money in on time. Now I may have to tell him he can't go to camp. He'll cry and I'll hate myself. (More SI?)

Do any of you know what I mean? I do okay for a while on meds and I get myself together (somewhat) and then I have a crash and it all goes to hell again.

Aaaaaargh!

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Lothlorien ))))))))))))))))

[Lothlorien]

((((Fuzzy))))) thanks

That's what I do, makes no since but it takes the pain away..........

Thinkin of you......

[Lothlorien]

But will is knock some sense into me?

(((Tucker)))

[meander]

Hope you feel better...no advice sorry.... but posting can help :-)

[Christina86]

((((((((((((((Lothlorien)))))))))))))))

I'm sorry about everything you're going through right now. Depression does suck. It isn't stupid about not wanting to pay a bill because you're behind - I can understand that. Can you talk to the camp and see if you can pay now? They might let it happen - they're human beings after all.

I hope things get better for you soon... PM me anytime

[EJ711]

Lothlorien,

What's MDD?

Depression has all sorts of ways to distort our thinking. It sounds like you feel like you have failed by not paying your bills on time, and can't stand to look at your failure, which translates into your not paying your bills now.

Maybe you can find another summer camp for your son that may work out even better.

It's not your fault the meds failed. Is your doctor working on coming up with a new solution?

Hugs,

EJ

[Oceanblue]

Hi
I am so sorry you are having these problems. i still can't get meds to work for me. Currently, I am just geting by on Kava Kava right now...

it's tough, but try to focus on your son's life. We all want our kids to have better experiences...I hope something works out for him.

Just get up and start doing something, your may realize the next minute is a few hours later and some of your problems have been solved...

I hope I don't sound trite, but please try to help yourself.

Take care!

[Lothlorien]

Venting does help. Thanks meander. *hugs*

[Lothlorien]

I want to call the camp but I get anxiety so bad in this type of situation I have a hard time picking up the phone. I've told myself I must resolve this today. I hope I can. (((canders)))

[Lothlorien]

Hi EJ, nice to meet you.

MDD is Major Depressive Disorder

My doc started me on a new drug regimen but it takes time to wean off the old ones and gradually increase the new ones plus it take several weeks before you know if it's working. (blah)

You're right about not wanting to face my failures. It's hard to face them and I feel ashamed. I know it's the depression talking but real life doesn't make allowances for depression.

(((EJ)))

[Lothlorien]

Thank you Oceanblue.

For me depression is like a big wall I can't see over. I know the answers and strength to solve my problems are on the other side I just can't see them right now. The depression is nearly all consuming.

I'll get through this somehow it's just painful. I appreciate your response and support. (((Oceanblue)))

PS: There is a lovely resort in the Caribbean called Ocean Blue