[Rachelakabatman]

I am 21 years old. I have been battling some pretty severe depression for the last year. I went to the mental ward 6 months ago for attempted suicide. Me and my two best friends went out 2 weeks ago for coffee. When one of them left I got really upset at her. Not because she did anything wrong. I love her a lot. She was just super happy, talked about her new relationship, and what seems to be perfect life.

I guess I get jealous because I am so insecure. She is super pretty and never has problems finding boyfriends. I am not ugly and could find someone if it wasn't for this dark hole I put myself in. I cant get out. And I hate seeing people happy but I hate being alone. I use my friends as a distraction but then get mad when they are happy.... They don't realize how bad I hurt on a day to day basis.... well, they know. But not really. They tell me that I need to change my outlook. Anyways.....

When my friend left I snapped on my other friend and said some pretty nasty things. Towards him.... but especially towards my pretty friend. I said she was a fat *****. I didn't mean it. Idk where it came from. I begged him not to say anything because I didn't think it. I just wanted to tear her down so for two seconds I could feel ok. But he went behind my back and told her what I said. I really didn't mean it. I think she is beautiful and an amazing person. I just lost control and now I feel like a monster. I keep telling her I didn't mean it. I honestly wouldn't blame her if she hated me forever. I just feel like garbage and this is making me more depressed. Idk how to fix this anymore besides be alone until im better

[Skeezyks]

Hello Rachelakabatman: This sounds familiar to me. I have struggled with depression & anxiety for many years. And for most of that time, I have had the propensity to make sarcastic, derogatory remarks about pretty-much everybody & every situation. Some of it I think is on target. But allot of it is just my way of trying to cut others down for my own benefit. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I have for some years now kept almost entirely to myself. So my negative comments merely evaporate. Sometimes I think it would be good if I could stop. But unless or until I can genuinely feel differently, I'd only be blocking my thoughts; which I think is also probably not beneficial. Anyway... I just wanted to share that as a way of saying you're not alone with regard to this.

[dexter]

I also get angry and say nasty things to the people I love. I honestly do not mean them, they do not come from any seed of truth in my heart. They come from jealousy and anger percolated through the negativity of depression. I hope you can find some peace... I am sure the insecurity you feel is a result of depression... And with some healing the possibility of returning to a good relationship with your friend. I think (just my opinion) that this will require some healing for yourself and some understanding of what you are going through on her part. You are in charge of the former but the latter will be up to her. Maybe some other trusted friends can help you.

[Fizzyo]

I can be very stroppy when I'm feeling low or angry.
It's so hard to see the world going on when it feels as if yours has ground to a halt.

Would it help to write her a short letter of apology on a nice card saying some of what you told us, especially the bit about how you see her as a beautiful and amazing person?

Maybe not to go into great detail about how horrible you think you are, just that you knew you were wrong and what you said was inexcusable, or whatever your words would be.

You might want to say to her sometime (not right away) that it is hard when you see everyone apparently doing well when you feel you're stuck even though you're happy for them, it hurts, finishing with a positive like ' know I will be ok one day' sort of thing even if you only half believe it can make the negative easier to accept from someone who cannot know what depression is like how ever hard they try.

Modern culture is so infused with the positive thinking mantra, sometimes that's all people can think of to say when the want to help but know they can't make it all better.

It's a risk to apologise as it can be rejected, but is your relationship with her worth the risk?
She may accept it.

Only you know your friend and your situation, so what I have said is only ideas.

Best of luck as you figure out what you want to do.

[Fuzzybear]