[asylumgardens]

I posted here before that my mom was too short on cash around my birthday (february) to give me anything. I was okay with that because I totally understand money problems.

My brother's girlfriend graduated and had her birthday this summer. My mom got her presents for both occasions. It just upsets me because I feel like my mom likes her more than she likes me. She also makes comments like "Why can't you clean as much as her" etc. I really like his girlfriend a lot, and I hold no anger towards her, but it just upsets me how my mom acts.

I feel like I'm this huge disappointment of a child. I've had a lot happen to me in the past few years that has set me back a lot with things, but I'm trying.. and she doesn't care anyway. She claims she cares and forces me to come home, but then she makes me feel horrible while I am here.

i hear you sweetie. i was never good enough either, in fact my dad treats my step sisterlike his own flesh and blood and ignores me. sending my love

jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxxoxo

[Direction]

Not that it is going to feel any better...my ex experienced "inequality"...

I spend a lot of time with my children the difference between equal, fair, and just right...

I quiz them occasionally regarding this...If you have no idea what I'm talking about ... let me know...

[asylumgardens]

Thanks Jinny and Direction. I'm not sure I know what you mean, though. You quiz them regarding what? Equal, fair, and just right?

I don't see it as "it's not fair" or whatever now. The gift itself is really irrelevant. It's just the act of her giving a gift to another person who is daughter like to her and not giving me anything.

[Direction]

<font color="blue"> </font> After re-reading your post...I don't think my comment fits your situation...I think it is awful what your mom is doing...I read to fast and thought something else...I'm sorry... <font color="black"> </font>

Anyway I will describe what I meant and how I test the kids (since you asked and I probably confused you - not my intent)...I am sensitive to how these three words are used...

Equal - generally accepted as identical portions

Fair - easily mixed up with equal...not necessarily identical portions but seems to have some kind of standard free from favoritism

Just right - you get what you need when you need it...

Example

Equal - 2 children each have an extra curricular activity...

Fair - This is were it gets more abstract...Does fair mean not only do you get an extra curricular activity but if somehow one costs more than they other that you are somehow due the difference. My opinion...no

Just right - each child is in an extra curricular activity that they enjoy regardless of the costs...

In my particular case...I purchased my oldest a cello and will be providing private lessons as the school he transfered to doesn't teach strings...Middle child will rent a clarinet and receive lessons from his public school...

This example by most would say that it is not equal, some would consider it unfair as one owns the instrument and will get private lessons...In my world this is just right...each of them are able to participate in an activity they both enjoy...this is just one example of how I help them understand that equal and fair are generally not as important as "just right".

Again I'm sorry for the confusion

[Direction]

Under my definitions your situation is not "just right" or "fair" and her treatment of you is even worse...

Generally I avoid using the word fair; however, there is clearly some kind of favoritism going on...and I'm so sorry your mom does this...maybe my tangent will help others realize how their actions can effect their children...parents need to budget...considering your mom was unable to get you anything (a card would have been nice) a just right gift to brother's girlfriend would be a card...

[Direction]

Bye the way you are not a disappointment...your mother just doesn't have a clue!

[asylumgardens]

Thanks direction. You seem like a good dad.. the equal, fair, just right thing is true. Money doesn't have to be exactly equal as long as they are happy with what they get.

I do think part of it is that my mom just doesn't have a clue. I'm sure she doesn't even realize about the present. I feel like I could bring it up to her, but she would probably just go buy me something worth the same amount of money and think it's all set, but really I don't care about the gift and that wouldn't solve anything in my mind. Oh well. Thanks again.

[Direction]

I think you are right she would probably go buy something of equal value and then you two would all be "square" or "ok"...

My ex had this happen with her 3 siblings...meaning the equal thing - always justified the amounts or values of items...had extreme favoritism...my ex wrote a letter...it did little good...she didn't have a clue what my ex was trying to get at...so we both adopted the equal, fair, just right thinking and not compare monetary values between the kids...

Sorry I don't have any other advise other than spread the word...if you agree in this type of thinking....