[SarahK]

A little background -- I’ve struggled with varying levels of depression for years. I see a therapist. And I’ve tried many antidepressants, although I’ve yet to find one that has a dramatic impact.

In July, I was part of a wave of job layoffs from a company where I had worked for 13 years. My job was very much a part of my identity – both personally and publicly. For months, I’ve struggled with the loss of both the job and my professional identity. Eventually I applied for another job, one I had done in the past, and was one of two finalists. Two weeks ago, I learned I didn’t get the job. While I expected to be sad about not getting this job, I had no idea just how depressed I would become.

I’m overwhelmingly sad. My body is shaking. My teeth chatter. I can’t get myself to eat anything. I cry. I can’t envision any way out of this. I stay on the couch all day. I feel like I’m dying. I’ve been this way for two weeks. I keep telling myself there are so many people with much worse situations than mine, yet I can’t shake my sadness. I can’t even imagine ever feeling better.

On top of this, two nights ago my boyfriend of a year-and-a-half told me that “this just isn’t working” for him. His reasons kept going back and forth between 1) he doesn’t see a future with me and 2) my sadness is just too much for him to handle.

I said I was floored by his timing, that I feel like I’m dying and maybe he could have waited a few weeks to break up with me, that it seemed cruel to to it right now. Certainly, I know it’s no fun to be around such a depressed person, but this acute depression has only been happening for two weeks. It was one month ago when he said he wanted to see where a future with me could go. Which keeps leading me to believe that my sadness was the main catalyst in my boyfriend giving up on me. And this a) makes me really made at him and b) breaks my heart even more. I keep thinking: if I could have only handled this sadness better, I wouldn’t have to deal with losing both the job and the boyfriend. I thought losing the original job (compounded by not getting this new job) had resulted in me feeling as bad as I could feel. Now I realize I could feel even worse. And I realize what was more important was my relationship. And I may have lost that because I was so sad about my job (or lack thereof).

My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic. He’s never relapsed. But he said my depression was too much for him to handle and was jeopardizing his sobriety. I am very supportive of his sobriety and would never want to do anything to cause it to be jeopardized. But, in my estimation, when he feels overwhelmed and can’t have a drink, he doesn’t know what to do. Thus, he bails. Or at least that’s my charitable / preferred way of looking at what I find to be a very frustrating, heartbreaking situation. A less charitable explanation would be that he’s a selfish jerk.

I told him I think he is making a decision under duress and asked that he take some time and then come back so we can discuss the breakup. I don’t want our relationship to end. He says he does. He says he’s willing to take a three-week break and come back to discuss things then, but that he doesn’t think he’ll change his mind. I said I want to do that, but would appreciate it if he’d try to come with a somewhat open mind.

So, my dilemma: I feel like I’m dying. Two weeks seems like forever away. My body continues to shake and shake and shake. I can’t eat anything. And I worry I’ve essentially just given him three weeks to come up with reasons why he doesn’t like me so he can solidify his original decision to break up. What I want is for us to try some middle-ground approaches (how can I work on myself without him feeling overly stressed; can we ask one of our therapists to meet with us together; whatever) before giving up completely. I’m willing to take responsibility for my actions, but I also feel I was, as my therapist says, having “an acute stress reaction” and I want him to believe I can change. How can I convince him that it’s worth giving a depressed person another chance? And, honestly, is it worth giving a depressed person another chance or is that crazy thinking on my part?

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, SarahK.

Yes, this is bad, even cruel timing.

Originally Posted by SarahK

My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic. He’s never relapsed. But he said my depression was too much for him to handle and was jeopardizing his sobriety.

I'm not an assessor of relationships. To me, this indicates the basic relationship is "high risk" regardless of events.

You've recently suffered at least two major life-stressors: relationship rejection and career/job loss. What's in your self-care bag that has helped in the past? Do you need more active support than you are receiving to get back on your feet?

I see you've found the Addictions forum. Please consider also asking over in the Relationships & Communication forum.

[SarahK]

Thanks for the support and advice. I am definitely having a very hard time with things. Therapist suggests a partial hospitalization outpatient program. I've overwhelmed so I think I have no choice but to try it. I want to get better. I just worry that I don't believe I can.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by SarahK

I just worry that I don't believe I can.

If the people who work with you know what they are doing, they will be able to navigate your worries and treat you "as is."

Success to you!