Sad Admist the Happy

I feel pretty lonely and isolated. I've gone through a lot of loss and grief. I was looking at all the selfies I've kept on this computer over the last 3 years and noticed how sad I look in all of them. I know, cause it's my face.

And how lonely I've been and the various ways I've coped with that. Drinking a lot, eating a lot, being obsessed with the internet, spending money I don't have, when what I really want is love but not just that, I think I want my old life back. Like when my grandma was around and she protected me and made me feel safe.

And now I'm finally doing growing up things. I'm gonna go to grad school, just found out I got admitted. I'm getting a car tomorrow. And these things should feel really good. They somewhat do. But I feel like I don't have the people I want to share it with around, because they've either died, have severe mental illness, or don't care about me.

No one can be proud of me, because no one really knows all that I've been through that is still here with me. I've lost so much and I feel so alone.

I feel a great loss in my life too.