[dexter]

I came back here because ten years ago this place helped me greatly in overcoming my depression. The majority of my post count is from that earlier stay here.

I'm having a tough time now. I think last time I found this place when I was beginning my recovery, and being able to post positive thoughts and support to others helped me lift my own spirits by doing something constructive.

I think I am not in that place now. Reading posts sometimes brings me down as it just reinforces how stuck I am. Some make me feel bad because others are in such a worse situation than I am (homeless, no access to healthcare, etc.) and others make me feel bad because they are having trouble dealing with their families and I have none.

I'm not posting as much as I used to because I feel like I am only bringing my negativity to other people's posts. I know I am argumentative on my own posts. Sometimes I am hijacking someone else's thread with my own personal concerns making their thread about me instead of about them. Sometimes I will write something out and then have to go back and delete it because it is so negative.

I'm here because helping people has been a good way to bring some peace and value into my own life but now I just feel myself spiraling down further. I came here to try to give hope to others not to spread my own negativity everywhere I touch. I am sorry to anyone here to whom I've brough negativity or my anger or defensiveness.

[barbella]

Hi dexter. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Depression is not easy and it can change how we relate to the world. If you need to protect yourself more by not responding to others, I would think that's OK. Even if it is different from when you were here before. Maybe you can try to limit your expose to what you can handle. I don't know, just suggestions. I do wish you well, though. I am struggling too.

[hopeless2015]

Hugs, try to be kind to yourself! Depression lies to us and makes us see only the bad and negative

Sent from my XT1058 using Tapatalk

[dexter]

I know and it scares me that I am so negative that I can't even find a little spot of light to share with others.

[barbella]

Are you in a place where others could share that with you? Sometimes we need to receive instead of always giving, giving, giving. You'd be letting someone else 'share the light' and it might help them.

[al-bait]

Honestly, that's how I feel most of the time being here. Thanks for sharing. I don't know what else to say, but be strong, Dexter.

Sometimes just getting through each day requires almost superhuman strength ~ Excerpt from After You by Jojo Moyes

[dexter]

Originally Posted by barbella

Are you in a place where others could share that with you? Sometimes we need to receive instead of always giving, giving, giving. You'd be letting someone else 'share the light' and it might help them.

I'm open to receiving... Been trying to go into chat today but no one is in the support room and the chatty rooms aren't doing it for me this weekend.

Some friends are supposed to call me this weekend I'm waiting for their call. I do not have any one nearby.

I appreciate the support here. But some human contact would do me some good today.

[dexter]

But thank you for your support here.

[elevatedsoul]

i feel the same way... i know that i dont always have something good to say... or usually i cant think of any good advice to give even... but i just wanna be there for someone if i can to show them that i care and understand...
i often delete messages before i post them because i feel like im just bringing everyone down, but i try... i guess the avpd causes that a little too.. but depression is a terrible thing
i know what you mean by supporting can make you feel better... its why im here, i have always loved to help ...
just sometimes we need a little help ourselves ya know?

i for one have never been offended or hurt by your posts... i know you are struggling too and i think everyone here just wants to support each other although sometimes we dont know how or dont have the strength to..

i appreciate you and thank you for your kindness and really want you to feel better stay strong friend;
sending a huge hug

[dexter]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

i appreciate you and thank you for your kindness and really want you to feel better stay strong friend;
sending a huge hug

thank you elevated soul I am really suffering tonight and i needed that and appreciate your support and everyone's.

[elevatedsoul]

i chose the tiger hug because sometimes something that seems scary can be quite lovable
atleast i try to remind myself of that - and depression is scary!

Hi, Dexter -

Being mindful of negativity is one thing, to bury it and/or feel guilty about it is another. As Barbella wisely noted, sometimes (um, a lot of times?) we need to be on the receiving end of encouraging words and support - don't beat yourself up over this as you have enough on your shoulders already.

I do hope your evening is looking up.

[elevatedsoul]

hmm - re-reading my post i think i may have insinuated the wrong idea

i didnt mean that depression can be lovable..
just that its scary and that we can have a great amount of lovable help along the way trying to deal with it

my bad

Not only is depression scary, Elevated, but it's a real pain in the *****! To borrow a saying from forum member Fuzzybear, "Grrrrrrr!"

[elevatedsoul]

agreed!

something is wrong with me today - been feeling out of it all day :/

i just wish there was a pill we could take that would kill the depression - 1 pill and end the depression for good

but thats wishful thinking
i just want everyone to be happy

[dexter]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

hmm - re-reading my post i think i may have insinuated the wrong idea

i didnt mean that depression can be lovable..
just that its scary and that we can have a great amount of lovable help along the way trying to deal with it

my bad

I understood that elevated.

[dexter]

Thank you everyone. I don't want to do anything to myself tonight but I have spent the night wondering if there could simply is a possibility that I won't wake tomorrow.

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

agreed!

something is wrong with me today - been feeling out of it all day :/

i just wish there was a pill we could take that would kill the depression - 1 pill and end the depression for good

but thats wishful thinking
i just want everyone to be happy

Even the non-depressed people of the world have those kind of days . . . hang in there!

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Don't worry, I do the same thing.

Right down to suicidal thoughts last night (feel better, I mean that).

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( Dexter )))))))))

[dexter]

I woke with chest pains last night and couldn't get back to sleep. Part of me was hoping it was the end but all it did was make me completely exhausted and unproductive at work today.