[dexter]

So it turned out I was totally totally wrong about tonight possibly being a good night that might turn this depression around and in fact I was totally totally wrong and it proved that all of my fears and illogical paranoia was in fact totally totally right.

So I'm just a little numb right now but tomorrow I don't know how I can possibly stop the thoughts of ideation and pain.

[lavendersage]

dexter - im sorry to hear this.

would you be comfortable telling us what happened that caused this turn of events?

[SvanThor]

Originally Posted by dexter

So it turned out I was totally totally wrong about tonight possibly being a good night that might turn this depression around and in fact I was totally totally wrong and it proved that all of my fears and illogical paranoia was in fact totally totally right.

So I'm just a little numb right now but tomorrow I don't know how I can possibly stop the thoughts of ideation and pain.

I hate being preachy, but honestly, I have been through complete and utter darkness myself so I think I should give you a bit of advice.
Nothing is immediate.
Depression sucks to fight with. It is a painful, exhausting battle. But when you are fighting this battle and want to pry yourself from its jaws, it's not something that can be done right away. It took me way over half my life to save myself from it, but I did it, and I know you can too. Let me know if you ever need someone to talk to.

[DesigningWoman]

Originally Posted by SvanThor

I hate being preachy, but honestly, I have been through complete and utter darkness myself so I think I should give you a bit of advice.
Nothing is immediate.
Depression sucks to fight with. It is a painful, exhausting battle. But when you are fighting this battle and want to pry yourself from its jaws, it's not something that can be done right away. It took me way over half my life to save myself from it, but I did it, and I know you can too. Let me know if you ever need someone to talk to.

I agree.
I have been desperate for a timeline to have the knowledge of when enough fighting is enough, when enough medicine is enough. If i do this for this amount of time, then I will feel better for this amount of time, right?. After 18 years of formally fighting MI and almost my entire life suffering with it, i hate to say recovery hasn't worked that way for me. It's fits and starts, big progress and disappointments, mountain tops and too many valleys. But it isn't immediate and no one can give you a certain time when depression will abate, even you. It's a winnable war, but you will lose some battles along the way. For me after almost four decades, I look back and see the patterns, the falls and eventual slow rise to better health. I look back now at pictures and journals from when I was 19 and think, wow who was I back then? I can't imagine being depressed like that now.
You will eventually get better, get healthier, even happier, but it will take time.

[dexter]

I don't think I want to say what happened as working on this for thirteen years out of my fifty four year life without ever having a single success is expecting success too quickly.

[elevatedsoul]

its hard to see any progress...
we have to be gentle though... look at the small successes...
like eating... sleeping... getting out of bed.. shower.. shaving...making it through one more day.. the tiniest things...
like i put my shoes on today and walked around outside for like 5 minutes...
even though we feel like ****...

i have been trying to deal with this my whole life... it just gets harder and harder...
losing hope is inevitable... but we dont have to lose focus on recovery... even if there is no hope i still try to focus on recovery... on the smallest things...

i thought i was starting to feel better the other day too... but yesterday nothing happened and somehow i still was triggered...

therapy can be really helpful... i wish i could take your pain away...

[dexter]

Today is huge setback I had been doing better but in bed all day can't eat nauseaus and constant suicidal ideation all day. I also think I am dehydrated I have been tryignt o drink.

[EnglishDave]

I am sorry you have taken this knock, Dexter. We Depressed suffer such much harder than others, and you must take that into consideration when you analyse your experience.

I have to agree with Soul, it is the little things we achieve which make life worthwhile, rather than great leaps in Mood elevation. For me - having vision issues now - it can be as simple as snapping a decent pic on my phone, rather than a good one on my camera. I cannot appreciate the pics fully, but at least I can share the few I manage with my family.

Do seek help for your ideation, but do not be too hard on yourself. Living with Depression is a daily grind, sometimes the help we are given helps to a degree, but in the long run we are left to deal with this illness alone as best we can. At least here we have friends who understand from experience. Maybe you have a close friend here you would feel comfortable sharing details with via PM?

Dave.

[dexter]

Sorry nope my trust here was broken and i won't make that mistake again. I have a T appot on Monday and my first pdoc appt also on mon. I don't want to go to work but I have to for professional and for personal reasons. If I do anything this weekend it will hurt a coworker very badly so I'm tryingt o hang on throught eh weekend and then maybe the visit to my T will help. I dont' feel like I have any personal victories to hang on to everything has been empty. I thought I had been making progress but it led to a worse situation worse life situation worse job situationa and worse emotional situation and I don't consider it a setback because I don't have any other place to go other than to take the same path that always leads to personal destruction for me.

[dexter]

I keep thinking I'm trying something different, something positive for myself, but it always leads to immense pain. I"m talking aobut pushinb myself to take some positive risks because without risks the stagnation is misery and depression and those risks 100% lead to failure. Can't even say they were a learning experience. I'm talking about risks and self improvement over the past few weeks and over the past 10 years. And now I have ruined my ability for myself to work in peace so I don't know how I proceed with any hope at all for a future, and any answers are not going to come to me tonight because I im just in intense pain and flooded with SI

[elevatedsoul]

i know its going to feel like the longest weekend ever... but focus on monday, you will hopefully have a good session with therapist and hopefully the pdoc can give you something to help you feel better?
do you have to work on the weekend? can you just have a movie marathon and lay back and just watch all the movies you can..? need to distract your mind... movies or shows are something that might work... needs to be something you are inntersted inthough...
sometimes i will watch tv and i just zone out... not even liking whatever is on tv but it makes me zone out...
need to try to preoccupy your mind if you can... i know how hard that is though so dont take it the wrong way... i have a really hard time doing it too... but im never bored because my mind just keeps switching through different things...
im really sorry you are going through this... try to be strong through the weekend, monday may be a checkpoint that helps you move forward... of course it wont just dissapear and everything be better but hopefully it will offer a little relief right...?

hold on to monday... sorry i cant do more...

[dexter]

I have been trying to watch TV but haven't been able to focus or I just end up falling asleep again. I have a good book but reading seems to be out of the question... I'm having a hard time reading here and in chat and my vision has been blurry.

My T is after work on Monday so I just hope I can hold it together at work and not make a scene or act out. And then I have to do it again the rest of the week. I have never taken anything for anxiety but maybe I will ask for something. I'm not really sure what I am feeling qualifies as anxiety I think it is jsut depression.

[elevatedsoul]

hmm... well i know it can be hard to pinpoint the symptoms.. maybe this short article can help you discern depression and anxiety?
Depression Versus Anxiety | Psych Central

i think you are experiencing atleast a little anxiety... but i cant say that for sure because im not there with you and not a professional..

my symptoms have gotten to where i cant discern them, dunno where the depression starts, anxiety, adhd blablabla - its a mess sometimes..

worrying about making it through the day on monday is kinda like an example of anxiety i think...

definitely try to go into as much detail as you can for the pdoc so he can get you the best help.. maybe you can spend some time writing down what you are feeling, the symptoms and things you want to bring up with the pdoc.. that way you will have it together and be able to present everything to him that you want to?

[dexter]

I have been writing down my thoughts any any insight I have as to why i'm feeling how I"m feeling, to bring to the therapist and I can use for the pdoc also. My plan for the pdoc has completely changed... Up until yesterday I was doing much better and my T understands my desire to stay off medications and to stay out of the hospital and is working with me. It is the T that asked that I schedule a pdoc and that I consider Medications but he also said that if the pdoc recommends meds and I want to give therapy a few sessions to see that I should tell the pdoc that.

After the first few sessions I have felt a lot better and th eSI had greatly subsided and that's what I was going in to the pdoc with and I was very comfortable with that. Now the SI is back and I don't know where I stand. I haven't met the pdoc yet so I suppose I will have to make a quick judgement as to my trust for him and how open I will be to any recommendation.

I've always considered the racing thoughts I have that keep me from sleeping or focusing to be a part of my depression. That is somehting that I can describe to the pdoc and let him determine if it warrants anxiety diagnosis/medication.

But tonight I just feel so f'd up.

Interesting . . . "racing thoughts" are not something I've ever personally experienced with depression . . . Elevated may be on to something. I haven't slept well in years and one pdoc "slipped" me an anti-anxiety Rx in lieu of a sleeping aid - it helped not one iota.

Dexter, I think there will be some hills and valleys getting to a better mental place. Please use both your therapist and pdoc to the maximum extent possible . . . I often read here on PC how people are not honest with their mental health team and that never seems to have a positive outcome.

Sending good thoughts your way!

[dexter]

I am only honest with them but they can now only take me to a place that I've been to before and that place is non-suicidal but non-life satisfactory and leads back to depression without passing any joy. Evidence is last ten years plus last fifty four years plus last two months there's no place left for me to explore. Well of course there are always alternatives but no place that I'm willing to spend another several years struggling to explore.

[elevatedsoul]

have you ever been on any any anxiety medication?
i didn't have any luck with buspar... nor did any of the antidepressants help my anxiety..
the only thing that helped was the klonopin for me but thats a benzodiazepine and some people are iffy about them... i think they are wonderful though

they help slow down thoughts thoughts that are out of control...
only thing is they really arent so good for longer term treatment because you do build a tolerance eventually... i mean i have heard of some people not building a tolerance but i dunno how they did it

[dexter]

I have never been on anxiety medication, only antidepressants. I am currently not on any antidepressants, I've been doing ok without them for 10 years until now. Seeing 1st pdoc appt today. Really do not want to go back on meds but I will see what he says.

[salvadorhia]

I know I'm really new here, but I've spent the past three months trying so hard to make the one moment or night that everyone wanted me to turn around THAT moment. Well, I don't think that moment exists. It's a process and a spectrum of good and bad moments and days. Hopefully with hard work and grit, the good days will increase. I cling to hope that it will, and I take it one day at a time. On the other hand, I've felt this disappointment over and over and over. I'm sorry you're feeling it now, too It WILL get better. Love the bright moments and find the silver lining in the dark ones. It WILL get better.