comparisons

why do i find it necessary to compare myself and my pain to others? I am in a bible study group on Sunday pm. My husband makes me go and sometimes it is good, but others bleh. The last couple of weeks have been hard and I even reached out to some of the women of the church. Yet, when one asked me how I was on Sunday night, my response was the usual, "I'm okay". Why did i lie like that ? because we had a new visitor that night. The mother of a 15 year old boy that was killed in a senseless car accident. I felt that I couldn't share my pitiful reasonless depression in a room with someone who truly had a reason to be in pain. How silly is that ?! But all I could think was that I have 3 healthy grown children, a husband who tries to understand me, and 3 beautiful grandchildren. What right do I have to feel pain in the presence of this woman who has endured so much? And yet the truth is that I am still hurting. I am starting to see glimmers of light, but the hopelessness remains.

You still have a right to your own feelings of depression. You were just showing compassion for the other lady. You are a fortunate person with a great family but that doesn't mean you don't have pain of your own. Go easy on yourself.

it's not silly at all.

it happens sometimes. people get depressed for no reason, but that does not make it less valid

depression is depression.
hope you continue to post here and share your feelings

Hi guiltier,

Just because you haven't got an identifiable reason (although chemical imbalance or biological causes could be very good reasons in the absence of others) doesn't make it any the less real/hurt any the less
And to me entitlement/the right to feel pain/depression doesn't come into it, it just is, you don't choose it, you wouldn't choose it, and everyone's pain/depression matters regardless of who they are
It's kind of like if you break a leg and your neighbour breaks two that doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed to experience the debilitating effects of breaking your leg because they have it worse...........pain is pain..........it is, and it matters!!
And you know..........if you actually talk about your experiences of depression it might actually help you both...........there are going to be some things she is going through that you can maybe identify with...........help her feel less alone.
My guess is that she isn't going to want pity or sympathy but empathy, and that may be something you can give each other??
So maybe look for similarities instead of comparisons???
Depression can isolate people so much in itself, but that you can maybe help a little. for you and for her, by talking about what you're going through???



Alison

We all compare ourselves to others some more some less. It is a human trait. It also can be competition which can be healthy in a good way. (((hugs))) I agree with Gayle, you are too hard on yourself. Feel your feelings and be in touch with them. And then work from there.

Hi
I think that on one hand you are entitled to your pain. Depression does not choose between those who have "reasons to be depressed" and those who have "no reason to be depressed". We know we can have depression while we have " a perfect life".

On the other hand, I understand your reaction when you answered "I am OK" as modesty. Perhaps you instinctively chose not to say anything about you personal pain in front of (or in the event of being about meeting) somebody that has been through a lot and carries an incomensurable pain. Before a mother who lost her child every other mother that has not lost a child feels that she has no right to complain. I think this is related to empathy, "common sense" and even, "good modals" (good modals if your visitor was already at the church with you, I don't know) I think it is a common thing to feel that way. Perhaps society taught us to react that way.

But it is true that we often compare our pain to others'. And, as you say, it is a useless exercise because pain is subjective. On the other hand, many people like those who are in the church do not understand depression well. Perhaps telling people about our feelings due to depression does not help us, on the contrary. I am sorry to be rude but sometimes we have to hear all kind of stupid comments when we tell people about our depression. They do not understand that it is a mental health condition that cannot be removed at will. But, I think you are right when you feel prompted to tell the thruth about your feelings and not to just say "I am fine" when you are not OK. I think that telling our true feelings helps us to be better, in general. But you were under a particular circumstance (having a visitor who lost her child) so I think you did OK. I would have done the same.
Ok, sorry for my English, hope my post is not obscure.
Sending you a hug