[Ellie_jo]

Crashing so hard. The ups and downs are killing me. Nothing is consistent. Can't trust what I'm feeling for a second. So sick of describing how I feel all the time and never feeling the same way twice. Get me out of here.

[cryingontheinside]

Sorry that your feeling so bad. I'm not feeling great either. I've been on a constant low for over a month . it sucks . do you take any medication? That could help regulate your moods a little. Do you have a therapist? Would you like to talk more about what's going on for you ?

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[Ellie_jo]

Thanks. Sorry you've been low, too. I'm taking meds. The ones I'm on now are fairly new so of course they take 8 million years before I know if they'll help or not. Just got back into therapy too. I hate it so much and haven't had any success in the past. I'm just so tired of talking in circles and not getting anywhere. Starting to feel (again) like this whole thing is a waste of time.

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[cryingontheinside]

My meds are new too! Waiting to see if they work. I know what you mean it does take along time. I'm sorry I can't offer any amazing advice as I'm suffering too, I know how it feels. But I can offer my support and be here for you and listen . I hope we both feel better soon

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[elevatedsoul]

i feel you

[Ellie_jo]

Part of me wants to feel better and part of me just wants to let myself fall apart completely until I don't feel anything

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[elevatedsoul]

its easy to get to where you just wanna give up...
we just have to practice coping skills...

can you check this list out and see if there is anything in it you might could do...?
99 Coping Skills

[Ellie_jo]

I have been doing a lot of that. And doing those things makes me feel better but doesn't really translate into feeling better outside of the activity

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[elevatedsoul]

i know what you mean... its just a distraction... it doesnt fix things so much as to just give your mind a little break hopefully.. to get to the next T appt or whatever i guess...

[Ellie_jo]

Yeah I don't even know if my goals are achievable. And that just makes things harder. Hopefully new T is better than old T. Idk

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[elevatedsoul]

i feel you.. i can't even think of goals atm besides getting through the day because im so volatile, just try to take it step by step and moment to moment, keep your desires close to your heart and keep working towards your goals

at this point try not to think if they are achievable or not...

[Ellie_jo]

I appreciate your sharing. And I'm sorry you feel the same are you able to enjoy the times you're up at least? I'm having a hard time not getting paranoid about the crash that comes after

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[elevatedsoul]

well, its depressing but i honestly dont have any up times anymore...
i fell in love with a girl in late 2006 and had a ... strange ... relationsship for 4 years...
i had a little up time then.. but other than that its been a mess my whole life, my old therapist told me that i dont know what it feels like to be happy... and i guess i agree, but i dunno.. its hard to believe i guess... even for myself... but i guess its kind of true... ever since i was a 4-5 year old things have been pretty messed up... and i dont really have any memories, from back then, or even from this morning.. yesterday... i just cant retain things probably because my mind is stuck on this "forget it all so you dont feel the pain tomorow!!!" kind of mode...

but its ok ya know... just sucks that i fell in love and had 4 years of what i thought was happiness... even though it really wasnt happy, it was more like a "felt a little better" kind of thing.. because she was nice to me and made me feel good, but the things she was doing to me was not good... to put it shortly she had a boyfriend and i guess i was never really her boyfriend even though she made me believe it... i dont even know if she ever felt the same way about me... she says she still has deep feelings for me but obviously she's with this other guy and cant be with me and few days ago she told me that she's not going to contact me anymore because she thinks its messing me up more... but i honestly dont care... like i said im just a bucket of bolts and nuts... all i know is that metalic feeling i guess... just sucks because she was the only real friend i have ever had even though things turned out the way they did...

well im not gonna say anything much more about that because my life is really not an encouraging story... besides maybe the fact that i am still alive... and still trying to be positive and think that maybe hapiness is around the corner

hmm... maybe i shouldn't say any of that... i dunno, i have been deleting all of my posts lately... i gotta stop filtering everything i do.... maybe i have to just accept that i am the way i am and things are the way they are and maybe i will start remembering things again

im not going to delete this message... just dont feel bad for me.... dont need anyone to feel bad for me... it wont help

i know you are having a hard time, if there is anything i can do to help you feel better i would be glad to help... helping others is the only thing that keeps me going...

i wish i had an inspiring life story - grrr... only reason im going to post this is because im tired of being such a mystery... hiding everything... deleting all of my posts... its just so damn depressing i hate telling the truth....

hang in there....

[Ellie_jo]

That is a lot to deal with. I'm sorry you had to go through it and I hope you find something that makes you understand what it feels like to be happy. Let me know if I can help in any way. Your openness and support are greatly appreciated