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  #1  
Old Mar 25, 2016, 09:42 AM
Onward2wards Onward2wards is offline
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I understand people do try to help. I am thankful for this. I KNOW I am being excessively negative lately, I can see that when I take a moment to rethink things.

Right now I am stuck between wanting to make things better but feeling both impatience and discouragement/fear. I know things don't change overnight, I am trying to practice radical acceptance without capitulation/despair, but this has become viciously difficult. I hate what I've let my life become. I can write down everything big and small that makes me happy, and another list of things that make me feel bad, the big and small things there too. If I use it as a checklist, I realize that the positives list is discouragingly small and the negatives list goes on for a page. (having people I deeply care about is a definite positive). This process has been ongoing for some time and getting to the point I am miserable every day now. I need a new LIFE. The thought patterns and behaviors that led me here have been worse and more chronic than I thought (now I see and accept that), and they must be changed. Without changing my habitual daily behaviors, nothing will ever improve. No brainer.

I feel really bad because I literally live life at one quarter the speed I would like to. Just plodding along. An ever decreasing amount of optimism is weighing me down big time. I am nearly 49. My nearest relatives were not long lived people. I wonder how much time I have left to get things right and live a life I can feel proud of and excited to wake up to. Right now I am a frighteningly long way from that, and it's all getting unendurable. Yes, I'm terrified on some level.

People advise "baby steps". I have tried this mentality. Looking back, my progress has been nothing short of glacial. The steps I set for myself when I try to just relax and take an easier pace are in all honesty pathetically small. A crippled sloth can do better than that, and I'm not being overly harsh on myself because it's true! My procrastination, hesitation and limited thinking are severe, when I really drop my denial. I scare myself sometimes.

Please also understand if the subject of meds comes up in conversation and I seem very resistant, I have tried diligently for decades now to find meds that do what I need them to, and I'm just not finding that magic pill. Maybe there isn't one. Too many side effects, too few benefits, the positives (there have been some on a handful of meds, I can't deny that) just wear off very rapidly every time. I have put an absurd amount of real effort into the "medicate or not" question I ask myself, while still trying more med options. Please just let it go for now, ok?

I'm just at the end of my patience with life having a plodding, circular route that in some areas just goes nowhere and in others there are some "wins" but in the end, progress is lost eventually. On some level I am aware that it does not have to be this way. Other people have managed to achieve what I have always wanted, and even gone way beyond the level I would like to see, and much faster than I. I can't help but feel a bit envious at times, it's only human. I'm still trying to figure out precisely what I must be doing wrong. Lack of confidence, lack of self esteem, social anxiety, pessimistic ruminating and passivity are all part of my problems it seems. This creates self fulfilling prophecies. I am trying as best I know how to fix the damage.

I have a LOT of stressors right now, and not many outlets to blow off steam. It's been building in a bad way for a long time, and now I have that steam coming out of my ears. The hardest thing for me right now is the absurd amount of self-doubt I've been having, even to the point of challenging values and viewpoints that have served me well all my adult life and are in fact the "core of who I am". It's hard to feel your sense of personal identity crumbling. Without that, who am I really? I'm just not used to that happening, that's never been an aspect of depression for me before. This is new and worse. I can't handle much more of this without breaking in ways I didn't know you even could. I'd almost try meds again at this point, but they scare me more than being depressed does.

Last edited by Onward2wards; Mar 25, 2016 at 10:00 AM.
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Anonymous37780, Black_Raynebow23, elevatedsoul
Thanks for this!
Black_Raynebow23

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  #2  
Old Mar 25, 2016, 10:07 AM
Onward2wards Onward2wards is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2010
Location: USA
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Now I'm calmer I see a lot of stress and worry in me right now. Nasty, lying beasts aren't they?
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  #3  
Old Mar 25, 2016, 10:20 AM
Anonymous33211
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Hello on2, i can relate with a lot of what you have posted. I don't know why I haven't been able to build a decent life for myself. In the end I have put it down to a couple of things.

1. Social Anxiety
2. Procrastination with managing my working life

Perhaps you feel that these two factors are present in your story.

I feel something that has helped me is to gradually work on a list of habits or routines that I want to get into.

I just occasionally add something to my routine that I have to do every day or twice a week or whatever, and it becomes part of my routine and it is working towards something. The idea is to gradually add things to your routine until eventually it is quite full and you are satisfactorily busy. At the moment one of the things is learning to read sheet music. So every day I have to do that, and I have a list somewhere on my computer, and when I practice reading sheet music, I tick it off on the computer. Gradually I am learning to read notes and hopefully I will be able to play the piano soon. I also have routines for things such as diet, fitness, hygiene, etc, and I keep adding to it, but very gradually. It has really helped me, because progress is kept, maintained and consolidated, and also built upon as I add new things to my routine.

I hope this method helps you as well. What are some things that you would like to add? Maybe going for a run every day? The key is to start slowly and gradually add to it. Don't try to do too much too soon because you'll get overwhelmed and quit. Let me know if you are interested, I feel this method has helped me and has given me hope to overcome my procrastination.

Thank you.
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elevatedsoul
Thanks for this!
Black_Raynebow23, Onward2wards
  #4  
Old Mar 25, 2016, 04:34 PM
Onward2wards Onward2wards is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2010
Location: USA
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Thanks IT, I relate very much to what you said.
  #5  
Old Mar 25, 2016, 07:32 PM
Anonymous37780
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  #6  
Old Mar 26, 2016, 06:27 PM
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elevatedsoul elevatedsoul is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: usa
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yes they suck... the demons...

i can't say anything atm.... much love...
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  #7  
Old Mar 26, 2016, 06:36 PM
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Serzen Serzen is offline
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We are all struggling. Don't give in! Shine on.
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Only that day dawns to which we are awake. — Henry David Thoreau
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