[LLK06]

Hi all!

I'm new to this site/health forums in general. I'm 22 and an education major. I generally have a fair outlook on life and a great family/support system. Go back 22 years, I was born 3 months early, drug addicted, bleeding on the brain and a few other health problems. Despite all the health issues I had at birth, on the outside I look healthy. I was adopted at 5 and i'm so lucky to have the family I do. But on the inside, I feel like no one knows truly what is going on with me and honestly, I don't either.
I've always been very nervous about stuff happening and I do not do well with change, even simple things. Example: Moving the Christmas tree to the new part of the house. But that's not why I am here.

4 years ago after I graduated High School, I moved back to my hometown with my parents where all the rest of my family lived. I was glad I was near family but I was nervous about starting college and not knowing anyone my age, which I get anyone can feel that way. I guess that's when I started to not feel like me. I have goals and dreams in life and I can see them all happening in the next 4-10 years. Im very excited about what I could do but I can't seem to move forward without me messing it up. I don't have a job, I babysit because I love kids and its people that I know like me so I don't have the constant fear of letting them down. I know how to take care of kids. Its what I do best. I worked at Lenscrafters for 4 months and I did great but I was only a temp hire and I wasn't called back. Thats the only "official" job I've had. I can't seem to get past the job interview without having a panic attack. I want a job, I liked working and seeing my coworkers every day. But I also don't want to get fired and let people down. If I do though I know its not the end of the world. In high school I was good at getting away with studying to the minimum and now that i'm in college it obviously doesn't work that way. Last fall I started getting tired and falling asleep uncontrollably which has never happened before. I was emotional and highly sensitive (more so than I am in general.) We went to the dr and they thought it was a thyroid or cortisol problem and all came back negative. That is still a work in progress because I still have a few of those problems. I also decided that I couldnt handle my anxiety/depression anymore and I didn't want to stay stuck. I tried the first medication and suddenly I was becoming extremely defensive and angry. Even at stuff I knew I had no reason to be angry at. then I switched and I feel like my new medication is helping somewhat.

In December 2015 I went through a few weeks where I couldnt find words or didn't understand what people were saying. It worried my mom so much that she wanted me to have an MRI but I didn't go. My problem now is college and general every day life. I am going to university this fall and its my dream i'm so excited and I'm working hard in my classes. I have one class though that has given me a crazy hard time and honestly i'll probably have to retake it. My mom says 'I'm self sabotaging' which I don't understand why I would do it. I don't want to feel like a failure. I don't want to have a crying panic attack. I can't seem to process what I'm reading, I even tried the little read a paragraph get a pretzel as a treat. Due to being born early with my some problems I technically fall under a spectrum of health problems (I think i.e autistic or ADD) but i've never been tested because my mom didn't want to put that into my mind because knowing me at a young age I would have ran with it and used it as a crutch my whole life. My mom also says things occasionally like: you have medicine there's no reason for you to 'be depressed!' Which I think she's right because as I said before I don't have a bad life at all. I just don't know what to do. i've been to my school counselor a few times last fall and the whole time I was there I just felt like I didn't have enough problems to really be there and taking up her time. I have never felt suicidal but I just don't want to leave my bed some times. I just want to lay in bed because it's easier. I don't want to be a failure but I can't help but feel like i am sometimes and that they picked the wrong kid to adopt.

to sum this up my current problems are:
sleeping too much/feeling like not enough sleep
anxiety
depression
sensitivity to criticism
general sensitivity
hot flashes
crying
not being able to study even though I want to do well
can't concentrate
migraines
scared of negative comments

I'm sorry if there are typos, I just needed to type this and get it off my chest.

[elevatedsoul]

sorry you had those experiences...

well,
first - just because you have medicine does not mean you are magically better, im taking medicine too, and i have been on a lot of medicine before and my symptoms still were bothering me.. although not as severe (mainly because i was pretty doped up..)

so first medicine doesnt fix the depression, it just tries to help relieve some of the symptoms so you can hopefully work through it... and hopefully it will resolve and maybe you can come off the medicine one day ...
but you could be like me.. i have severe recurrent major depressive disorder... i've been depressed for my whole life, in and out of episodes... but the depression is always there... for me even when i feel a little better its a weight i carry like "omg i feel better but when is it going to come back!? i dont want it to come back!!" and of course it comes back pretty soon...
so medicine isnt a cure ... its just a crutch

second... they should not say they dont want to take you to the doctor because they dont want you to use that as a crutch or excuse or anything like that, if you are struggling and having problems you should get professional help... doesnt matter what you think it might be or might not be... professiional figures that part out...

i have never used any of my diagnosis as an excuse for anything... although i probably should sometimes because people dont understand why i am the way i am...

the bad thing is that its good to get it checked out early, especially if you're experiencing it as a child because some things can progress and get worse with time...
like my depression... and maybe if i had treated the adhd when i was in school i wouldn't have dropped out and would be through college and stuff by now! (im 26)

have you read about MCI (mild cognitive impairment)?

are you seeing a psychiatrist now?
if you are experiencing difficulties in life because of these things i would definitely do it...

self sabotage is... i think simply its when we are causing the opposite of what we desire... we want to be happy so we make ourselves sad.. we want to feel good so we hurt ourselves... we want to write a paper so we forget about it... we want to study so we play a video game... its also when you talk bad to yourself, calling yourself names and putting yourself down... this stuff we dont really do on purpose, i do it - honestly i dunno why - i try not to though :/

here a little article on self sabotage Self-Sabotaging: Why We Get in Our Own Way

you know yourself better than anyone else, no one else can tell you how you feel, right?
so just because someone does not understand don't let it put you down... maybe can try to educate that person if you want or just seek help without them...

i hope that any of this is helpful a little

[Skeezyks]

Hello LLK06: Welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! May you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. From what you wrote, it sounds to me as though some thorough neuro-psych testing is in order... (& possibly that MRI too if your physician feels it would still be appropriate.) I hope you can prevail upon your parents to help you make arrangements for this.

Beyond that, you know, depression is an illness. You don't have to have a certain number of problems to qualify. From what you wrote, I would I would say you're doing extremely well considering how difficult your entry into this world was. This should be celebrated! I send good thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to achieve all of those goals & dreams you wrote of.

[Fizzyo]

Hello and welcome to PC.

I'm sorry you have so much to cope with at the moment, it sounds as if you have overcome a lot of obstacles in your life so far, but even the strongest can feel overwhelmed and exhausted.

A thought about the fatigue, I live with fatigue, so have done some research on the subject.
A common problem is that people with fatigue often sleep longer because they're so tired. It's a logical thing to do, but often makes you more tired. there is some research in the uk that shows that restricting sleep to an age appropriate length of time and avoiding daytime naps longer than 20 to 30 minutes improves energy levels in the long term.

The reason is, that the more hours you sleep, the less hours you get of deep, good quality sleep thus, longer sleeping leads to less refreshing sleep.

It's not the whole answer, and it is hard to do, but slowly reducing the length of time you spend in bed at night ("pacing down your length of sleep") will, in the longer term help the quality of your sleep, especially the research was in younger people.

This is a thought, not a prescription, but I find that adhering to a regular time to go to bed and rise in the morning within an hour at either end of the night, aiming for 7 to 8 hours sleep time and a little time to settle does help the quality of my sleep overall. I also resist a long sleep in the day.

You may be interested to google "sleep hygiene"

I'm aware this may not be your biggest issue and I wish you all the best with those too.

This is a great place to come for support so I urge you to keep posting and people will reply who understand something of your issues and want to support you.