[Nartrof]

I just turned seventeen, but let me just say that I do NOT feel like a queen- Nor do I feel like dancing. To be precise, all I really want to do is sleep.
So far in my weird and almost constantly disappointing life, I've been diagnosed with ADD, Depression, Generalized Anxiety, BPD, and PTSD. And I've been getting all kinds of different treatments for them for years... Since 6th grade, I believe. (about 6 years ago.)
I've been on Prozac, Ritalin, Adderall, Birth Control, hell- I just got prescribed Valium! And, naturally, nothing helps.
Now I thought I knew depression. When I was younger I was suicidal, apathetic, and generally detached from the world. Since then it's been better, if only a little bit, but lately I've been experiencing something more... I don't even know.
Here's the deal. Lately my life has been going pretty damn well. I went from Ds and Fs to As and Bs, and I'm currently in a very healthy relationship. I have a loving family and a lot of caring friends, but even with all of that I just feel... wrong.
I've always had slight sensory issues; I can't stand being in a room with a lot of people talking, but lately its gotten to the point where I start to get aggressive and upset whenever someone so much as coughs when I'm trying to concentrate. And speaking of concentrating, I can't. My ADD meds have always worked perfectly for me, but lately I've found myself constantly in a state of dizzy, drowsy, utter confusion almost all the time. Forget passing that math test, I can't even bring myself to NOT pay attention in that class.. It's like the only thing I can do without getting incredibly tense and frustrated is just- sitting there. Doing nothing.
And I'm not suicidal, not like I was. I WANT to live, but I feel like I just can't. I feel like all I can do is sleep and cry and sleep some more, and it's killing me. I don't even sleep well!
I just don't understand what's going on. Nothing has triggered this sudden change in the intensity of my fatigue and sensory issues... I'm even LOADS more paranoid than I used to be.
I'm not myself!
I can't bring myself do anything, and whenever someone confronts me about it I just break down crying.
The paranoia, the sensory issues, and the complete and utter inability to even critically or logically think... I've never experienced anything so intense and crippling and I just don't know what to do.
Honestly, I'm not even sure what I'm asking here. I just need help.
I want to feel better.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Nartrof. No need to reply - did the doctor (psychiatrist? primary care?) say why they were adding Valium? Has the Valium helped at all with your sleep?

[kecanoe]

Yikes. Sounds like you are really suffering. I wish I could help. I understand about wanting to sleep all the time from depression, but maybe the Valium is contributing to that as well.

I understand about being noise sensitive. I get that way as well. Mine seemed to cycle with my monthly cycle.

Thanks for sharing here. I hope it helps

[Fizzyo]

[Fuzzybear]

[Nartrof]

Hey everyone, thanks for the replies. I found out later that week that I had mono, so it made all my symptoms that much worse.
Oh- and the valium didn't work at all. I'm off of it now, but I'm still having trouble sleeping and staying asleep.

Anyways,
I'm still not doing great.
I have trouble living, if that makes sense. I want to go out and visit with friends, I want to draw and read books and play games, but I can hardly even manage to be mentally present in a simple conversation.
I feel like a spectator. The best way to describe what I'm going through right now would probably be that I feel as if I am just going day to day without contributing anything.
Even when I do something that makes me happy, it's right back to depression again.

Not gonna lie, I've considered drugs, but I've decided against it in the long run. I just really want to know what I can do to help myself long-term... Even doing fun things I want to do still leave me feeling empty by the end of the day. And meds are essentially nothing more than a joke at this point.

I'm thinking what might be contributing to it is my severe lack of vitamin D. We found out in the same blood test where I tested positive for mono that I was almost devoid of vitamin D, along with very low levels of B-12 and Calcium (which I am now taking supplements for) Thing is, even though I live in Florida and the sun is always shining, I never have enough time to go out and soak up some sun. And my gut just straight up refuses to absorb vitamin D from food, so I feel like I'm stuck.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[elevatedsoul]

are you taking the ritalin as prescribed?
abuse can cause some of these things i think... going up and down too much...
also withdrawal when you run out can have crazy effects...

gotta becareful with that..

do you see a therapist?
i feel like a spectator alot myself but i have severe issues going on... probably stuck in a dissociative state..
talking with a therapist might be helpful for you to try to explore whats going on ..

becareful with the ritalin, too much is bad thing and too little can be bad too...

i've struggled with some vitamin deficiency too... but i dont eat much - i eat more now but i used to be really bad about eating...

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Nartrof

We found out in the same blood test where I tested positive for mono that I was almost devoid of vitamin D, along with very low levels of B-12 and Calcium ... And my gut just straight up refuses to absorb vitamin D from food

Certainly you need to treat the mono, but these other observations may indicate additional problems. If your gut is refusing to absorb vitamins (D, B-12), one could speculate about autoimmune issues. Consider discussing this with your doctor.

Best wishes for a full recovery.