[guiltier65]

so, today is a decent day. I've been fairly productive and not too anxious. But, I really struggle , at times with the SI , guilt because my son is also a depressed alcoholic and I blame myself, the thoughts of self harm and just the general idea that my life is of very little value. In theory, how is this illness any different from any other illness where there are good days and there are bad days? Yet, if I am having a bad day; I lie and say i'm fine or even "doing good if someone asks me. Why is it so hard to be honest? When is the stigma and misunderstanding of this illness going to dissipate? The other thing I sometimes ponder is the difference between suicide and a cancer patient choosing to terminate treatment. I hope that doesn't sounds as bad as it sounds, but if I choose to give in to the demons that torment me and stop the pain. How is it different? I'm so tired of the guilt , shame, anxiety that rob me of myself. I'm sleeping too much, and showering only twice a week. I wish I could sleep for at least 6 months and just escape for a while.

[Skeezyks]

Hello guiltier65: The Skeezyks sends his best wishes hoping that, in some way, you will be able to find peace in your life...

[basicgoodness]

I hope things get better for you, guiltier.

[Clara22]

I think you are entitled to do whatever you want. It is your life. Cancer, depression, any other illness or conditions could be the reasons for somebody to want to end his/her life and nobody should judge that person. I barely know why I should stay in this world one more day, how could I speak about other people's wishes and motivations? We all have the bad habit of judging other people. We all are too opinionated. And this harms ourselves first, because in turn we are afraid of others' judgement including God's judgement or our conscience's judgement, which is the internalization of our first significant others' judgement and society values.
We should free ourselves. We should own ourselves and do not be afraid.
Having said that, I think that also it is true that life in us wants to live. There should be a drive in us that makes us want to stay alive. And if the drive does not work, I mean, if we are not driven to life by this internal force, we are not well. Naturally we should feel we want to stay alive
But we should not judge ourselves or others if they do not want to stay alive. Depression is a mental health condition, it is not a matter of choice.
And this is personal, I do not think God (if there is one) judges people.