[Polypoppy]

Warning: long paragraphs
"I have always had difficulty expressing myself, especially when I am upset. Words can't adequately describe my inner states. I have to have a template to rely on, that's why I read a lot and google a lot. I put in the search engine the words I use to describe my feeling, and I go through the search results. Often there are people who have experienced something similar and are able to more eloquently describe what I am going through.
I once got to the term 'alexithymia'. I think it describes some of my difficulties. I don't have words for how I am feeling inside. I can tell you that I am angry or upset or depressed. But beyond that I can't say much more. I don't know how I am feeling most of the time. I sometimes feel tension in my body and I think it is caused by anxiety. But I am not good at relieving the anxiety because I don't know the source. So I run away from my feelings. Distraction works well when I don't have to be alone with myself. But eventually distraction fails because the moment I stop distracting myself, all the feelings and emotions come back at full force. And I am therefore often left confused. I don't know how to deal with all these emotions.
I find it difficult to explain things. I find it difficult to share with others what I cannot explain. Imagine the frustration if you have to ask for a banana but you can't say the word banana. You have to go and mention all the characteristics of a banana, hoping the audience correctly guess it. You would say things like ' it is a topical fruit that is yellow in colour, it has skin that can be peeled off to reveal the meat inside. It has a soft starchy texture and it is rich in potassium'. One downside to this method is, sometimes people get annoyed with how vague you are. And they would think that you are playing games with them. And it is incredibly inefficient. Who uses twenty words to describe a fruit?
So when you ask me, what is the cause of my depression, it is a very difficult question for me to answer. I don't know my emotions that well, and I don't excel at describing them. And perhaps that is what causes my depression, I mismanage my emotions. I don't spontaneously share my feelings, because it is very hard work getting words out. Try to explain to a colourblind person what the colour red is. You can't. That's how difficult I find describing my inner states.
When I was a child I had a lot of difficulty sitting down and doing my homework. I remember the world as chaotic. The fluorescent lights bothered me. The world was way too noisy. If the room I was in was big enough, I could hear echo of people's noises. I was afraid a lot. My eyes and ears couldn't bear the world I was living in. But I could not communicate all that. So I was thought of as being intentionally difficult. Growing up I learned to ignore my senses. Because that was the only way to survive. And I feel like I am not living truly because of it. It hurts to truly engage with the world. So i withdraw. I am back into a corner where nothing could hurt me.
Why am I depressed? Because I am too different from other people and I cannot reconcile that difference. I suffer from an inability to connect with others, both using words and emotions. My perception of the world is much too skewed. I don't share how most people see the world. Socializing leaves me utterly exhausted. It is very tiring to be in a noisy environment trying to make connections where every fibre of me just wants some quiet.
I could not bond with my parents for some reason. I don't think blaming it on my upbringing helps. My siblings were able to do it but I couldn't. I did not spontaneously seek my parents' attention when something bothers me. I couldn't understand why my siblings asked for my parents' help when they ran into troubles even though they knew they would get a scolding. So I would often try to solve my problems on my own. I played alone and I read alone. It didn't bother me that much. The pain came when I finally realized how much other people bonded with each other and I couldn't do the same. I experienced soul crushing loneliness. That no one would be able to know how I felt inside and how isolated I was from the rest of the world. Even my own parents couldn't reach me."

[Polypoppy]

Sorry the title was cut short.
Supposed to be "I think it is alexithymia."

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Hey, Polypoppy! Congratulations on your first post!

First of all, thank you so much for telling us all that's in your mind

The cause of depression can simply be all chemical and biological. In this day and age, our food and water lack the most necessary minerals, and is processed and filled with stress hormones and fat-storing hormones. For men, as we age, our testosterone (The hormone that lowers stress for men) levels dramatically drop and we suddenly become moody and will not be able to focus and feel successful, and as I said before, we get hormones from food that will make that worse, like estrogen which will make us connect more to our feminine side and we start to have strong emotional reactions to problems instead of using our logic to solve them. On top of all that, without a doubt, the workplace will get us more stressed by increasing our cortisol levels. And that will simultaneously effect our women, and they will feel uncared for and unloved, dropping their oxytocin levels, which is the hormone that lowers their stress once increased. So, when she gets stressed as a result, it increases you stress, and then the whole world is just completely unbalanced.

Our bodies are not supposed to have this significant drop in our most important hormones, but like I said, today's world will exhaust the body's natural ability to make it's hormones or simply makes it more difficult.

And of course, like you said, being different also has a big hand in stressing you and dropping your serotonin levels, and as things keep on going south, things will start to feel impossible to change or fix. But, now comes your part, which is how to use your difference to your advantage. Make the best of it, use it as a driving force, because in most cases, difference is a great quality, it means you are more likely to come up with original ideas that really might change the world's perspective on things

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us, and never apologies for writing too much! And I agree with your psychiatrist, I too suggest sharing your thoughts and expressing yourself to people more often, because I think it's ultimately a good thing!

Good luck! Here's some hugs

[little turtle]

poly what are you feeling right now...

[chirpygirl]

Polypoppy your psychiatrist is right, you should pen down your feelings... you seems to be reserved type of person, it will help you a lot bcoz you pour ur emotions into it and relief u from our anxiety a little ...thank you for sharing are feelings with us.

when i was reading your msg, i saw my little refection in it... i hope you recover soon...

[Polypoppy]

Thank you so much to those who replied. Really appreciated that you read the whole thing even though it is so long.

As to what I am feeling right now, I am feeling anxious because of uncertainty. I am supposed to have a meeting today but I have not been told the time yet. It makes me anxious because I like things to be predictable.

Anyone has any experience with difficulty expressing themselves?