[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I've been on a downward spiral for the last week.

I've self-harmed three or four times, once in a place fairly noticeable if I'm not careful to cover it. Most of them were just desperate attempts to make my thoughts stop racing, the worst was outright self-punishment. None of it was more than scratches, but they bled like hell.

I got back into forum culture and at the moment my greatest joy in life is starting self-deprecating sh!tstorms online. I thought I was past this. Worse, any heavy or abstract thought is too painful to bear. I hate this weakness in me, but I can't stand it. I can't even cry anymore. I just stuff myself with food to make that heavy, I-want-to-cry feeling go away.

I was almost suicidal this morning thinking about my life and past - is there anything I've done that doesn't fill me with shame? I've even taken to lying a little online (at least, lies of omission...it doesn't feel that bad, actually. It gives me a weird sort of hope that someday soon it won't be a lie). They say when you're at rock bottom the only place you can go is up...but do I have the right ot do that? I've been on welfare for almost a year - what right do I have to ever live well, comfortably, let alone be successful? I entertain fantasies all the time of alternative lifestyles, good food, pretty clothes, a couple of ridiculous business ideas I could have once I'm off assistance, but then I think, what business do I have going on like that, when I'm nothing but welfare trash? I keep hoping someone can reassure me that once I'm financially independent, yes, I do have every right to these things, but I just can't believe it. It feels so wrong, the thought of going from total leeching dependency, being the scum of society, to...doing rich-person things.

Wow, that apprently bothered me more than I thought.

Everything seems to hurt and set me off. The littlest things, things I can't change. Abstract, factual truths, that are real and I can't change but they offend or terrify me and I know that's bad but I can't cope. I don't know why, it just does. I don't know how much more I can stand. I'm meeting with someone today, might be related to psych. If so...maybe they can get me on something to numb me out? That's all I want. Something to make my thoughts shut up, make the worry and fear and pain stop, something to just let me focus and live...

[Skeezyks]

ScientiaOmnisEst...

coping strategies. Many of these are about distraction; like trying to fill your head with thoughts of things you see, hear, or smell. But there are also methods of homework that build skills to cope. Like listing off pros and cons or challenging evidence with that which is positive.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I'm...a lot better today. Spent a couple hours ruminating about things this morning, but otherwise I'm comfortably numb.

There was no meeting yesterday, the guy called and canceled, said he'd schedule something for next month. I both want to meet with someone and don't.

Originally Posted by justafriend306

coping strategies. Many of these are about distraction; like trying to fill your head with thoughts of things you see, hear, or smell. But there are also methods of homework that build skills to cope. Like listing off pros and cons or challenging evidence with that which is positive.

Hm...usually when I distract myself I just change my thoughts to some other idea or thing to focus on, never actual mindfulness. I should try that.