[StillIntending]

As some of you here know by now, I’ve had depression since February 2015. So far, I’d say it probably peaked at about September-October of that year. That’s not to say it’s been easy during the other times, because it hasn’t. it’s awful. It’s really ****ing awful. But over the last few months… I was almost starting to believe that maybe I was improving.

Then my grandmother, who turned 60 last December, got non-hodkins lymphoma. This is the week she’s finding stuff out like what kind of chemo therapy she’ll need, etc., and as emotional support for her and also a babysitter for my cousins while my aunt takes my grandmother to her appointments, I’m at her house for a week and a half. It’s been 6 days and I don’t get out of here till Sunday.

I knew when I decided to come here that it would be emotionally intense for me as well. As, again, some of you surely know, I have a best friend who acts as my primary confidante. I don’t know why he loves me or why he stands by me, and yet, he still does. But anyway. I was scared to come here for so long and didn’t think I was emotionally strong enough myself to handle it alone, so he agreed to call me fairly often. We’ve been spending at least an hour every night on the phone (the other night we accidentally talked for 3), and I know that’s had a huge effect on my ability to cope with this. I know I would have fallen apart already if I didn’t have that.

Even still, being around this is worsening my depression again. I haven’t felt genuinely suicidal in months and I have started to again during the last week or so. I told my friend last night that if my grandmother does die of this cancer, especially in the next 5 years or less, that I wanted him to make me live with him for a while so that he could monitor me. I think he would. Now she may not die of this cancer. It’s way too early to say that. And she certainly may not die in the next 5 years.

But. Yeah this isn’t great. I don’t know. I’m going to get through this next week and then try to recover. I don’t know how I think I’m going to do that.

How am I supposed to help this woman emotionally cope with starting chemo when I want to kill myself over… nothing, really. I’m petty. I’m so ****ing petty. But I still don’t know how to stop being petty.

I don’t know what I’m asking for. Probably sympathy, mostly. Maybe something about how to deal with emotionally stressful environments when you’re depressed yourself. Thanks.

I often find focusing on others' needs instead of focusing on my own misery puts that misery aside, at least for the time being. So perhaps remind yourself how you are being helpful to your aunt and grandmother during this time and allow yourself some measure of feeling good about that. Also, maybe acknowledge that this time of crisis is only a short period in time - it will pass and you will be OK. It's so nice you have your close friend for emotional support.
Hugs.

[EnglishDave]

Having dealt with terminal Cancer in the family in very difficult circumstances, and then living through the same Cancer myself with intensive treatments throughout 2013 I can tell you this b#*%h of a disease is a drain on the whole family. I fully understand what you are going through, dealing with it while battling Depression.

You need to take care of your own Mental Health as a priority so you can continue to actively support your family. Utilise your friend, and especially this Forum as much as possible - it is only for a set period while things settle and a routine is established. I am sure you have already explained your additional need to your friend and he will continue to be there for you.

Try not to project possibilities of where this disease may lead, now or in the future. I survived the same Cancer which took my father just 20 years before - and my Chemo had to be modified due to my heart disease. Great strides are being made in Cancer treatment and survival rates.

Do look on this act of kindness on your part as a challenge you enter into wholeheartedly. Try to make this increased family time worthwhile. Come here to share any negativity you feel.

Dave.

[StillIntending]

Originally Posted by EnglishDave

Having dealt with terminal Cancer in the family in very difficult circumstances, and then living through the same Cancer myself with intensive treatments throughout 2013 I can tell you this b#*%h of a disease is a drain on the whole family. I fully understand what you are going through, dealing with it while battling Depression.

You need to take care of your own Mental Health as a priority so you can continue to actively support your family. Utilise your friend, and especially this Forum as much as possible - it is only for a set period while things settle and a routine is established. I am sure you have already explained your additional need to your friend and he will continue to be there for you.

Try not to project possibilities of where this disease may lead, now or in the future. I survived the same Cancer which took my father just 20 years before - and my Chemo had to be modified due to my heart disease. Great strides are being made in Cancer treatment and survival rates.

Do look on this act of kindness on your part as a challenge you enter into wholeheartedly. Try to make this increased family time worthwhile. Come here to share any negativity you feel.

Dave.

I'm glad to hear that you survived this, both for yourself and to give me hope. My grandmother is so perpetually worked up over, everything, really. She's certain her remaining days will be painful and are short. She's going to fight but believes she's fighting a losing battle. I'm scared as to what her fear could be doing to her body.

The benefits she's getting convince her people are being nice to her because she may as well already be dead. The doctor said her situation is "good," but that "excellent" isn't possible with this form of cancer, so she's convinced he's at least almost given up on her too. Her chemo is in-patient and requires a hospital stay each time and she's convinced that means her cancer must be a really hopeless one. The list goes on in a similar fashion.

I tell her that people are giving her stuff because she's going through something scary and painful, not because she's a dead woman. I tell her the doctor believes she has a chance or he wouldn't bother putting her through chemo, like they didn't with my grandfather on my other side, who was significantly older. I tell her lymphoma requires this kind of chemo but that doesn't mean it's a death sentence. Once again, if it were truly a death sentence, doctors wouldn't bother putting people through it.

Her intellect agrees with me but her emotions can't stop. I feel like there's nothing else I can do but listen to her talk and tell her that I'm sorry. She hasn't slept in days. She's trying to, even taking pills that should be knocking her out, but she can't fall asleep.

[EnglishDave]

Your Grandmother desperately needs to contact a Therapist specialising in Cancer patients. She could also benefit from attending a Support Group, if she can find one which concentrates on the positives - this is important, there are Groups which will drag a Sufferer down further.

I had my Chemo by infusions as a day patient, over 12 hour sessions every Monday for Months. It is a draining, nauseating procedure with no outward signs of success, so it is easy to get demoralised. At least with my numerous segments of Radiotherapy there was physical effects, burns around the area and the tumour shrinking away.

Do reinforce her Oncologist's words that her prognosis is 'Good'. Oncos deal with giving the worst news on a daily basis, have patients where there is little hope, so they are generally honest and compassionate. Your Grandmother needs a change in mindset, a trigger to have her fight for her recovery. Keep pushing the positives when you talk, tell her more than 50% of Cancer sufferers survive now, not too long ago it was just 20%. We live in an Age where Cancer is being beaten every day.

Tell her, as a fellow sufferer, I believe in her and her Oncology Team.

Dave.