confessions of little turtle

when I broke down in 1973 I wanted to die...why in the world would I be thinking that and feeling awful...why...I wasn't thinking of killing myself....I was just crying and wanting to hide out...and I was a psychiatrist that was supposed to know...but I didn't..

just before I broke down...I stopped seeing my patients and went to find out about driving a truck for a living...........

(((((( little turtle ))))))

Thanks for sharing.

WC

Back in 1973 we didn't know about all the external factors that may modify our brain and body to cause depression and panic attacks. So it's not your fault.

But thanks to your resilience you survived and could still enjoy life afterwards.

When my depression is very severe even I wish that God takes me away maybe in my sleep. So it's not abnormal.

You give me hope that recovery is possible. Thank you little turtle.

The few moments I have been without depression and anxiety feel like pure bliss. I wish I have more moments like these. I hope I will surely have...only I have to be more patient like you have told me

I need to say more about valium....this is wonderful stuff...it helped me so much..
I took valium 5 mg twice a day for years....but now many people are saying it is bad
for you...I am no longer addicted to my valium but would go to it if I start being afraid again....I have not learned how to handle my fears....I wish I had worked on that but I didn't....I still have my little bottle hidden in my closet in case I have my ship sinking again....but there are ways of dealing with fear but I didn't want to go there...I used valium ....maybe as my crutch...I definitely needed something to deal with the horrors of life...

My doctor has prescribed me buspar and it's helping me not only with depression but also with panic attacks. I also take lamotrigine that is suppised to act as an anti-depressant apart from being a mood stabilizer.

Little Turtle any addiction to valium is not on you ,and for the record it sounds more like it was a dependence , because a true addict couldnt have a bottle in the closet without taking it. I was married to a woman with an addiction ,I put a solid steel door with three keyed deadbolt locks on to a closet ,so she went through a wall to get to the drugs,a true addict cant be in the proximty of the substance without getting to it and taking it until theres none left.

For many, many years mental illness of any kind was stigmatising, and now there is a shortage of qualified people to help people , the focus slowly has shifted on to acceptance of our collective mental health ,but the mental health system has been a favorite budget to slash among politicians , when we closed the failing expensive "asylum" state hospital systems in favor of something cheaper and more effective community based care it was fully funded for a few years ,and then they started cutting the funding to waste money on things that have no real benefit to society , leaving today's community mental health support system needing life support , there are places in this country that people need to travel 4 or 5 hours to get to a P doc or T .

So you may not have done all the work you "could" have but few people do or later in life issues pop up and we think i should have resolved this back whenever , you are human ,if every human lived up to there "potential" we would have conquered things that still plague our potential , the "shoulda woulda coulda" thinking is self defeating ,when see someone and are in therapy we work on the issues that are holding us back at that time ,the stuff we can address ,since none of has a crystal ball to ask "what do i do now to affect later" its not in the cards we are dealt to see or plan for the future, look at saving for retirement everyone is gonna do it and need it at some point yet most people don't actually start to do it until there 40's?

Humans have lots of potential and if we could get everyone to there full potential safely, we would run out of things to do on this planet and would be out in the stars exploring . But factor in genetics , child abuse, rape, incest, murder and the ever growing nastiness list of defeating ourselves its no wonder why we have issues to work on , dont hold yourself to a higher standard than you would have one of your patients.

I want to be happy in the future with my bf and not let my depression and anxiety pull me down. But I fear all the time that my depression and anxiety may ruin our happiness, that I may not be able to recover and not be able to make him happy, that our marriage won't be a success though I know that he will not leave me coz he loves me very much.
This thought is driving me crazy.....

thanks desiree...the thought that drives me crazy--------yes I have a depressive illness but I hate the way the world is now...there is such hatred and anger and fear...it makes my depression much worse...

yes it makes my depression worse too and makes me afraid.....

where is the friggin fuzzy anger bus....

and "the sorrow that has no vent in tears makes other organs weep"

i am very afraid of dying or getting in pain or more depressed...

((((little turtle))))

(((((((((( little turtle ))))))))))

I think you may be writing about "suffering?"
We all want to avoid suffering.
Some teachings say we can be in pain -- physical and/or emotional -- yet, learn how to not suffer. We can transcend suffering? It's quite a challenge and I work at this. Sometimes, I can overcome suffering; sometimes, I cannot.

"..the sorrow that has no vent in tears makes other organs weep."

Yes, when we suppress our emotions -- like sadness and grief -- we may find the emotions are expressed in other ways within our body... we may experience physical manifestations.

I think withholding the expression of emotions also may cause/magnify suffering. Deep suffering may be defused, at least somewhat, via the relief we feel from expressing our emotions. We are then freed and not held captive by emotions.

Okay, I am rambling now. I will stop.
Love to All!


WC

Being afraid of dying has been internalized as self protection as we have evolved ,its now part and parcel of the human condition and is always spinning on our playlist of thoughts,because human beings dont do well with mysteries death has become a huge thing ,even though its as natural in our life cycle as being a side effect of being alive, people give it more air time than we should , because more important things don't get as much thought as it does , such as medicine has come a long way between life and death ,such that being in a sickened weakened state unable to communicate our wishes is an issue that few people think about or plan for but happens everyday.

We need to have an evolution in how we think, because there is much misery in this life both internal & external ,we recognize death and can easily plan for it ,it's natural & many of us will live well the people who raised us, mentored us & educated us have taken there place in our hearts , I don't remember who said it but it's very true "no one truly dies ,until the living forget your name ".

Anyone who has or is suffering from mental illness has got the suffering part down ,and let me say as a self qualified expert (I say that because i have faced depression, anxiety , panic attacks it's special kind of hell we know or have known ,and i am in palliative pain management for a terminal condition , so i think i over qualify as an expert of all things pain).

As hard as it is to hear or do , even if it's only baby steps once a week , focus on the living and trying to have a better life well we are alive ,as many therapist will say focus on the now ,what can you do right now to improve how you feel or how you live (many of us old timers,were taught a myriad of different coping skills,it's the "spaghetti approach" throw it at the wall till something sticks) and focusing on something positive like how you live today can reap benefits later (for me that's now !) Now I could suggest a million things but science agrees with me which baffles many ,the people to ask about living are the dieing,because there is a certain hard fought & won clarity ,when you dont actually know if there is a tommorow ,you need to make today all it can be , but nothing says we have to keep that to ourselves ,and certainly nothing says other people cant benefit from shifting there thinking to today and living and not of death and dieing , It's a mystery that will be solved when it happens ,however just like everyone who's gone before you ,you don't get to share the knowledge of what's next or is this all we get ,so seize the day (easy for me to say I have epilepsy !) Anybody who knows me would be disappointed if i didn't joke somewhere.

“Life” keeps telling me that I’m disposable. I can’t just blow away like dust in the wind though ....

No you are not, and no you can't. I believe we are all here for a reason. It might be to come up with something that saves lives, or to just touch someone else that changed there life. None of us know, but that is my belief, (((((((HUGS)))))))

I am so sorry you are suffering so much. I send you my (((((((Thoughts, Prayers, and Lots of Group HUGS)))))))

Depression is telling you those mean things- and it is lying to you.

i was talking to a friend yesterday about my marriage...my marriage is stressful..
he said ------DO YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT OR DO YOU WANT A RELATIONSHIP..
wow...I have to think about that one....

That’s a good thought I guess.. I haven’t thought of you as someone who always wants to be right?

most of psychiatry today is a 15 minute appt. and drugs...
this is not good enough for most of us ...it was not good enough for me...
I had a lot of good help and some bad..but I survived and had some good times...

I’m angry

Passive aggressive behaviour is so immature and cowardly. I’m not referring to anyone here I have engaged with.

little turtle

This sounds like mine. A lot to think about!!!!!!! (((((((HUGS)))))))

my greatest stress is my marriage...I am going to try to behave following the 7 caring habits----------like supporting and encouraging and respecting...and negotiating
differences.............

this is very hard for me...I am working on this but having a very hard time doing this..