I'm a mess (TW, mentions sui)

I don't even know how to explain it. The smallest things set me off. I'm on the verge of tears or actually crying about 75% of the day. Ever since T on Monday, I've had this constricting feeling in my chest, like my lungs are both about an inch big. I'm so tired all the time. I can't bring myself to go to work tomorrow, so I'm taking the day off. I should really be saving my holiday time for when I quit so I can get paid time off after my two weeks notice. But I really just can't go to that place again tomorrow. It's awful. I really can't do this anymore. My friend said something to me last night about the artery in her neck and it got me thinking about how easy it would be to just end things. It'd be so easy. The only thing stopping me is my dogs. Honestly, that's the only thing.

I'm in that situation where the tiniest things set me off, too (more of an instant rage sort of deal, though). The only advice I can give you is to keep fighting. Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Even if it's hard as hell, look around you and find something you can smile at. Something that can brighten up that second. Believe me, it's there. Keep doing that to keep going throughout the day. Play with your dogs and go to bed. Do it day after day and maybe, just maybe, things will get easier and better for you. Wish you luck.

Did something happen with your T on Monday that might have caused this reaction? Something that made you feel emotionally vulnerable?

Superheroine, you should have PM'd me. I'm in the same boat and we could lean on each other. Every word you wrote I could've written last night. I'm so sorry things are so bad for you. And the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is my dog too.

What happened with T that got you so worked up? Can you remember? Because maybe if you can we can figure out how to comfort that part of your brain that is reacting to it.

(((Hugs))))
Seesaw

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We do EMDR to process childhood trauma. She kept asking me to go back to a specific event. We've processed this memory in the past and it brought up different things. This time, I guess it brought up some of the panic I felt at that time.

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Ah yes, certain memories will definitely bring back negative thoughts and urges. For me, I know it's the project I'm working on at work right now and that I feel like I have no direction on it and I'm afraid of failing or messing it up big time. And it's a $500,000 grant. And we already know we're getting it I jst have to fill out paperwork as a formality but I'm scared to death, honestly. I need to use this weekend to figure out what I need to do to tackle this project and not be afraid of it on Monday.

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This is how I feel:

You said: "But I really just can't go to that place again tomorrow. It's awful."

Is your job causing you a lot of angst and anxiety? Is it boring and unfulfilling? If you're already struggling with depression a job that you truly loathe can compound the depression. If you have been diagnosed with clinical depression or GAD apply for the "Family Medical Leave Act" or FMLA which will allow you to take a set number of hours away from work without fear of being fired. All you need is a letter from your primary care physician. Ask the Human Resources Department for more information. You can use the time to get treatment and catch your breath. I used FMLA as far as I could until the problem was so bad I could no longer work at all. However it gave me time to get some help and to truly believe I had depression/GAD. It also was an excellent way for me to document the problems when I applied and was approved for SSDI.

Do what ever you can to keep going. It's hard I know. If your unhappy with the T perhaps it's time to search for a new one. You're strong and want help so advocate for yourself. It's your life, you need help. I'm with you. Regards, M Poirot

I hate the job, the actual work. I hate my co-workers. The environment is hostile at times. I've been out on FMLA leave twice in two years, a month each time. It hasn't helped. I need to leave the field completely and do something else.

As far as T is concerned... I think neither of us was anticipating the reaction I had. EMDR trauma processing is all about going back to those traumatic moments and working through them while there's some kind of bilateral stimulation. In my case, we use things that alternate buzzing in each of my hands. Sometimes it brings up really unexpected emotions.

Hugs. I can't really help except to say that without my dog, I wouldn't be here right now. I totally get how you are feeling. You're not alone.