[Miss Stressed]

Hey all. Been away for a while. Think last time I was here, I had mentioned I was on Zoloft trying things out. Well, that didn't work out and I quit taking it cold turkey and went about a year with nothing but my own coping skills for the generalized anxiety and depression. And it wasn't bad. Wasn't great at times, but it wasn't terrible either. Things in my life started getting difficult and I reacted with extreme anxiety and depression, so I went back to the doctor. Now here I am, a month and a half in to taking Buspar and Lexapro. I was so surprised how quick I noticed an improvement. I'm talking a couple doses quick. So when I went to my appointment two weeks ago, I told my doctor things were going wonderful and thanked him! I was sure things were only going up from there. Now I'm sitting in my living room on a Wednesday at 11:30, just rolled out of bed, have a very important test at 3 I haven't bothered to study for, and more than likely won't, even though part of me is panicked like the world is going to end because I am going to fail. This is how it's been. I can't even remember how long, I guess two weeks since at my appointment I felt differently. I sleep. Wake up with aches and pains. Go back to sleep. Get up eventually. Think and get upset at how much time I've wasted being like this. Play video games or watch Netflix to escape. Wait for my boyfriend to come home because spending time with him is the only time I feel somewhat sane and feel something. And that's what I do all day. And repeat, repeat, repeat. I don't know what I like anymore. I don't have any interests. I used to love dancing, doing my makeup, going out, staying busy and working hard, loving life. Now I just feel like I'm waiting for myself to want something, ANYTHING. I sleep more because in my dreams it feels more real than when I'm awake. I think it's because I have more emotions, more desires in my dreams and nothing when I'm awake. I do anything to distract myself from the fact that something is wrong here. I could literally stare at the ceiling, all day, and not feel like my day went any different. I was diagnosed with depression years ago, but this is something so extreme for me, I don't even recognize what's happening. Is this depression or something else? If so, why is it getting worse when I'm on medication? Any insight, tips, advice.. I'd appreciate it greatly.

[SlightlySouth]

I don't have any experience with that particular pill, but that exact reason is why I came off Citalopram. It was absolutely amazing for about a year, and then it was okay for about a year, and the n I hit full pill poop out and had horrible depression, anxiety, and... Anger. So much anger. Being off has been beneficial for the last year, but I'm betting it's time to try something else. I can feel the lethargy and irritability and frustration kicking in again and its, thus far, been relentless. Would hurt to go see your doc and ask if maybe a change is needed. May e this isn't your pill.

[Miss Stressed]

Have an appointment tomorrow to explain and see what he thinks. Just hate the feeling that I know something is wrong and I need to make a change, but I can't pinpoint it and don't know why to do. I feel very helpless and exhausted, part of me wonders if I should even bother. Just feel very out of balance and it worries me. Thank you for your response, I appreciate it.

[Fizzyo]

How did your appointment go? How are you now?

Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I've been keeping a lower profile for a bit.

I could not give you an answer on this but i know your therapist is the one to ask and they can help you, blessings

[Miss Stressed]

My appointment went ok. Dr was concerned about my depression and decided to switch me to Paxil. I'm finishing out the bottle of Lexapro I have though. Part of me isn't ready to give up on another medication and makes me nervous trying out another. Always worry if one is going to have bad side effects and don't think putting my body through all these different medicines is good... Probably will switch and try it though, since that's what he recommended. Saw a psychiatrist today who prescribed risperidone to help me get better, restful sleep. He believes my anxious thoughts are keeping me from good sleep, which causes me to feel drained all the time and making things worse; a vicious cycle. Seeing him again in two weeks.

I'm also supposed to work on, what he calls, being "ugly" to people. That I've mastered being sweet, but if I don't have the skill to be "sophisticatedly ugly" as well, I won't be in balance. That I've created a philosophy to live by that I want to be nice to everyone and stuck to it so dilegently that when people treat me negatively, I take in the negativity and bottle it in and only put out positivity, but that it's been building up for too many years and has manifested in some way. So, I'm not sure if I'm buying this. But he is a psychiatrist and has been for many years... Thoughts on this?

[Fizzyo]

It glad your appointment went ok. I agree, changing something is scary, even when it's not helping.

I'm glad too your T gave you something to help your sleep, life is that bit more manageable with a decent amount of sleep.

I think "being ugly" to people is a strange way to describe it, but I do agree some of us have been conditioned to be nice, whatever other people do or say and to take any negative treatment they dish out as proof that we're broken or bad in some way.

Maybe it's a way of saying it's helpful to stand up for yourself and to resist people who try to take advantage so that you have time and energy for your own needs. Even saying no to a request when you don't feel you have the resources to fulfill it, or when the request is unreasonable feels like being "horrible" or "selfish" or "ugly"

Maybe he's suggesting that what you need or want might take a higher priority in your thinking?

I suppose it's a case of getting to know the T so what he says might be clearer.

Being too nice isn't good for our mental health when it allows us to be abused or taken advantage of.

These are only thoughts, take them or leave them.

Best of luck with your journey toward recovery whatever that means.

[Miss Stressed]

Thank you for helping me better understanding what he had said! Trying to keep and open mind, but I was just very confused. I suppose I don't put myself on a high priority and it doesn't help myself in any way.