[alan89]

If you don't want to read a life rant, then please don't. If you do read this I am asking as a courtesy not to say anything like, you just have to have faith, or just let go. Don't worry it will pass in time, I am sure as you read time is apparently not a friend of mine. Please enjoy reading the horror story known as my life.

Ok so let me explain, as long as I can remember I have been depressed and pretty much unhappy with my life. I didn't exactly have the best of childhood growing up. My mom did the best she could to raise me and my sister alone. I also wasn't the most popular kid in any school I went to, I moved around at least twice a year growing up. I remember this happening a lot after the house I use to live in caught fire and blew up. I remember that because my mom wouldn't let me go see it and she let my sister go see it. To be honest, that kind of made me mad a little. Now that I'm older, it doesn't bother me at all. So after that I moved around a lot and still do. When I was still in grade school, middle school, and high school, I remember having like 5 or 6 different schools I went to. I also had a natural born gift with a pencil and this is the weird part. I can draw a picture just by looking at it and copying it, but I cannot trace a picture to save my life.

Anyways I was bullied a lot growing up and being in a family that didn't much want me around didn't help any. Luckily my mom sent me to one of her friends house every weekend when I was younger. So when i grew up every weekend I had that to look forward to. I am not ashamed to say I was a failure at school. I probably could have applied myself more, but I don't know, i could never just bring myself to even care about any of the work no matter how hard I tried. Luckily I passed all the way through until graduation and it was awesome, yet pretty crappy at the same time because when I graduated, I was 17. I had about 6 more month's to go before I could even get a job anywhere, so I filled up that time with video games, mt dew, and sometimes I would draw. No one ever taught me how to draw at this point in time, I simply learned it on my own.

Fast forward a few months, I have a job working with my pap (grandfather) and I worked with him for about 6-7 months, close to a full year, and you know how they say you should not work with family? Well they are right about that. So I bounce around from job to job fast forwarding a year, I was living with my mom still. Some how I find out my biological father is living in the same town as me. At first I never even considered that I might have a father. Sure that might sound kind of funny, but when I was younger I always thought to myself, every time I saw someone talk about mommy and daddy on tv, I thought to myself " I don't get it, I don't have a dad." I am not sure if I thought my mom just had me and that was it, but I actually thought my mom gave birth to me with no partner.

Anyways I somehow find out he is in the same town as me, and for the first couple weeks I really didn't pay it much though, I believe my exact words were " oh ok, that's cool I guess." So somehow I finally meet the guy and after a few meet's, he actually let me move in with him. Oh on a side note, I forgot to mention that somewhere in high school I was one of those quiet kids who didn't talk to much of anyone. I basically just tried to blend in, so all the other kids wouldn't notice me and so they wouldn't bully me. When I was home alone, I use to cry myself to sleep most nights. I also remember one time when I was in class, I remember a teacher telling me, that my sister said i should be more like her. I didn't show it, but that hit me right in the heart. When I got home that night, I didn't do anything besides lay in my bed a cry silently for the rest of the night. It was like that all the way through high school and for some years afterwords. I also remember at my sisters graduation, pretty much everyone in the entire family showed up to see her get her diploma. When I graduated, only my mother, her boyfriend at the time, and her friend (the one I was lucky to have around) only those 3 people showed up. This is like every single time I wanted to see my family, at first they said yeah sure you can come over, or yeah sure we can make it. Then when the time comes around, not a single one of them is there. It's hard to trust anyone when everyone lies to you on a daily basis. Yeah I know get away from them, that was to difficult to do when you are a kid and you have no say in the matter. Back to the main point, I finally got to move in with my father and at first it was nice. He gave me a room, a place to stay, and he even found me a construction job. I did that for about 2-3 weeks and I got sick of the boss who liked to talk more smack than he liked to get work done.

So on Sunday night, I was laying in bed trying to relax and out in the hall, I hear my step sister complaining to her boyfriend about how I made a folder for myself to store some pictures of myself in there. The misunderstanding was that they thought I deleted them. Well I got pissed and said screw it and I took off. I don't remember that moment because of the pain I felt, but it is memorable because I walked for 9 hours straight from his house, I walked about 5 hours in one direction, then I said screw it and I walked another 4 hours back. I spent the night at my moms house because by the time I got back it was like 12 at night and I had to be up for work in about 5 hours. Well needless to say I skipped work that day because I was tired as hell. So I was on my mother porch and I tried to avoid my boss, but I really didn't care one way or the other because this was the boss that liked to talk more smack that he did work. Well he saw me and then called my father and told him I was fired.

So later that night I go back to my fathers house and when I'm walking up to the house, I see movement in my window. I get inside and go upstairs to say hey I am home. Him, his wife, my step sister and her boyfriend and all in their. Her boyfriend in going through everything, putting it all into a trash bag. While he is doing that, my father is telling me "Where were you last night, you didn't come home, you didn't call, you didn't leave any note." I told him well I heard you're daughter out here talking **** and I went for a walk, it was like 12 in the morning when I got back in town, so i slept at my mothers house. He replied with " You're boss called and said he seen you sitting on you're mother porch. Then he told me that you're fired. So if you like you're mother so much, then you can go live with her." I don't really remember what I said after that, but I am taking all my stuff back to my mothers house.

Fast forward another year, at this point in my life, I have not been doing anything besides moving and bouncing from job to job. I even thought a few times that how bad would it be if I just killed myself, it's not like anyone really cares about me. So after that, it's now 2010 and I am stay at my mom's friends house, remember the one I said who I was lucky to have. Well it's now 2010 and I am back working with my pap. I have been there for about 6 months again, and I was only there because, since I didn't have a car, I had a ride to work and from work everyday. Also it was the only place that would hire me at the time. Well at this point in time it's October and I said screw it. So without anyone else knowing, because I knew if I told anyone they would try and tell me how wrong I was, I went into the recruiting office and signed up for the army.

I know what you are thinking, why would I join the army if I had so much going on. Well to be completely honest I was looking for a way out of my current situation and I was also kind of hoping I would have gotten deployed and died in combat. Because the only thing I had going for me was all of the art I was making. Sure I look back now and it's not that impressive, but at the time, it was the best thing I had ever done. I kept working at it and working at it. I loved that I could just, draw on command whenever I felt the need to, or felt the want to, hell I even drew whenever I had a cool idea. Anyways it's October now, and I had just spent the past 6 months trying to pass the run. Man that was the most difficult-est time I had to endure. I remember one time while I was training for my pt test (physical training for those who don't know). Well earlier that night I had walked to my other gram and pap's house to tell them I was joining the army and to think that they would be happy and congratulate me and say thanks. Needless to say I went and told my other gram that I was joining the army and she told me with these exact words "Yeah mmhmm, sure, I'll believe it when I see it." I got pretty pissed at that and I said to her face, you know what **** off you dumb *****, I don't even care anymore. Looking back now, I probably could have chosen my words better, but it's to late to change that now.

So back to the training part, when I got home later that night, I was still pissed off when I went to go for a run. It is better to run at nighttime for me, because it's a lot cooler and easier to breath in. Well I figured since I was mad anyways, I would use that to my advantage and yes it worked like a f***ing champ. I ran twice as far as I did before. So I then pass my pt test, after months of training for the run. 1 mile in 8 minutes to get into the army. I had the push ups and sit ups down in a few weeks. Well I joined the army and I finally let everyone else know because now there was no turning back and no one could talk me out of it.

So now I am in the army, basic training for me was kind of easy. The only part that was hard was the running part, personally I hate running. but I finally passed basic training and ait with a pt score of I think 230 push ups in 2 minutes, 230 sit ups in 2 minutes and a 16 minute flat 2 mile run. Best shape I have ever been in, in my life. Now I was at my duty station in Fort Hood Texas as an infantryman. If anyone reading this is a fellow veteran, I know it was a cav scout unit at first, but they have since changed it to an infantry unit. When I was there it went from 3 acr, to 3 cr. Now here's where it gets a little sad, sure at first, I was proud to be in the army. I didn't really think about dying or anything of the sort, but somewhere along the lines something in me changed. I don't know when, and I don't know how. Something inside me essentially died.

As my time was growing closer to exiting the army, I was seeing a therapist twice a week. I was on 8 different medication at the time. I couldn't sleep right, some nights I didn't even sleep at all. I was, according to the doctors, chronically depressed, sleeping disorder, full of anxiety, trouble breathing ( they told me I have asthma), I still have trouble concentrating, I cannot focus on much of anything I need to do and or want to do, it got so bad, that I was at the point of forgetting simple things such as names, dates. I even forgot my social security number a few times. I remember one time I had a blood pressure of 170, they kept me the rest of the afternoon in the hospital. Almost every single night I thought about killing myself, and I must say I got pretty creative with it. No I will not discuss it, because every time I go into a doctors office and tell them this, they always ask me what exactly did you plan to do, how did you plan to do it. To be clear, it got real old real quick. I kind of even despise that question now.

Anyways I had all the going on, and while I was etsing out of the army, my entire unit didn't exactly make it the easiest of times for me. Anyways, now I am out of the army. I am completely done with the army and no more service required. You would think that would make life easier right, wrong. I don't know what happened to me, at first I was glad to be out and done with everything. I was glad to not have to be micromanaged anymore, glad to not have to get in trouble for someone else's mistake. I tried to sit at home and relax, but thing's just kept getting worse. The more days go by the more I lose interest in just about everything. The more I get angry and upset over anything and everything. So I figured that I might be spending to much time alone and i went to the little store up the road from my mom's friends house and applied for a job as a convenient store clerk. I got the job and I did that job good and great, of course it's not that hard to run a convenient store.

It has been about a week or 2 now and I hadn't even noticed how bad I was getting until I had a customer walk up to me one of the nights I was working and started to ask questions about my service. It really dawned on me when he said these exact words " oh yeah I can tell, you look like you have seen some stuff." I smiled and said yeah then went home. So yet again I decide that thing's are not working out for me at this job and I applied for college at an art institute. A month and a half go by and i am ready to go down to school. A few days before I went down to school my great grandmother die. It didn't really bother me to much since I never really knew her all that well. So since I knew that as of this point in time, I could no long feel much of anything about anything, I decided to act sad and tell the school that I would have to come down next term.

I have been to 2 funerals in my lifetime that i can remember. One was the only man I would ever consider calling a dad. I forgot to tell you this but a while before the house I lived in blew up, he had gotten into an accident and died. Then there was my one uncles mother who died. They are not actually related to me, but I consider then to be my family more than anyone in my actual family. They actually cared more than almost anyone. So I didn't go to my great grandmothers funeral because I really just didn't feel like being around people. Guess what some of my family does to me since I didn't go, lol they call and complain to me about how she was family and I should have gone. This is one of the many reasons I don't answer my phone when people call me anymore.

So now it's October of the year I left the army, I am down at the college and I have enrolled in classes. When I first got there I was passing all my classes with flying colors. Then I start hearing my song again, that song called "Darkness my depressing friend." I try to go out and be social with people, but I just get more depressed or more angry. Most nights at this point, I really wish i could cry and get it over with, but nothing comes out and nothing happens. The only thing I can feel at this point is horrible, like being so sick you can't move out of bed, like having the wind knocked out of you repeatably, like having someone cut off the air you breath. I tried to continue in my classes and it would be the same song on repeat. Eventually after 2 years of trying to work through the pain I finally dropped out and moved in with my buddy I met in the army.

I moved in with him because he first said he had trusted me. I said cool because it's better than living with my mom. So about a year into living with him, he is going through a break up. He says I got over it in one night, I went through all 5 stages in one night. I know he was wrong, because he was still miserable, he was still crying over his ex he lost. I told you that because for a while I had gotten the gut feeling that he didn't really trust me as he said he did. Well when me and the other roommate we both had confronted him about why can't he trust us? He couldn't give an answer. I told him look I don't know what you and the other guy have been through, but you and me were in the army together, we have served on the same base together, we have been through thick and thin and you still can't trust me of all people. His response was, I'm sorry I just can't trust people. Anyways that's over and done with.

Now you know almost everything about me, I really can't feel much emotions any more, I get angry often, almost every single day I think about killing myself, I think hmmm maybe today is that day. I just started going to the gym and have been going for the past 2 weeks almost. 4 days out of the week. I eat almost 1 meal a day, partly because i am poor and broke, and partly because I usually have no appetite. I have been waking up depressed for the majority of my life that I can remember and I am not really sure what ok or normal feels like any more. I have been on countless medications for depression and other stuff, non of them worked. They were either to weak, or so strong they made things worse than before.

I want to get back into drawing, but I have lost both my passion and desire to draw. I have tried almost everything to focus on drawing, to focus on one thing at a time. I can focus on one thing at a time no problem, but it's weird. When I pick up a pencil, finally with enough desire and passion to want to draw, All of the sudden, like magic, like a leech sucking every ounce of me, out of me and leaving me with a familiar feeling of nothingness.

[Skeezyks]

Hello alan89: The Skeezyks welcomes you to PsychCentral! I hope you find whatever amount of time you spend here to be of benefit. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you're continuing to have such a difficult time.

[here today]

Yes, welcome. What kind of support do you think you might find helpful? Many of us here struggle with depression, too. It takes courage to share your Fife experience with us.

[1976kitchenfloor]

Hello. I read your post and have been thinking about what you wrote --about your expereinces and depression. I send you great grandma hugs, being aware of your pain and confusion and knowing personally , myself, how hard life really is.

I think it is good that you have opened up and told us of your life expereinces and what you feel like. It is a start. If nothing else you have gotten it out and on paper and that is good. To carry around so many feelings and despair without release and sharing with others is such an incredible burden.

I think you are tired right now and need a rest and some time to make plans and not just react to what is going on in your life. You obviously have an artist's eye and talent and maybe you just need to cut yourself some slack until you figure out what exactly you want.

Take care of yourself.

I know its trite to say, but itisi true, that all your pain and frustation can be turned to your advantage and you can grow stronger in yourself for having experienced and examined life. I feel you want to find a way out and I am hopeful that you will not give up on yourself because others have not understood you or have let you down.

Each of us basically writes his own lfie story. I wish you well in recovering from your despair and depression . There are definitly reseons for why you feel as you do, so given that, it is distinctly possible for you to move on and choose a more self-directed course.

Take care now.

[JohnCrow]

Thank you for sharing this

I apologize if that sounds like sarcasm; it really isn't

There is a lot of common ground between your story and mine, except most of mine happened before you were even born. I too was in the army (Canadian Forces Primary Reserves) and gave me a little sense of purpose but, when I finished university (waste of time and money) I decided not to pursue full time

I am now in a state of ennui - I cannot even feel sad. I feel NOTHING. Intellectually I know what I should feel and can take some actions but I am unemployed, apparently unemployable, alone and in the darkest place I have ever been in my life.

And I still feel nothing

Part of me always hung on to hope. Prospect of a better tomorrow, I am a fundamentally optimistic person but the future is very clouded now. But it has been said that a person without hope is a person without fear so maybe this is my way of releasing the demons of fear that drag me down

[elevatedsoul]

i hear ya man..
i hope you stick around, sometimes it helps a little having others that can understand..
stuff sucks goin through alone..