[qwerty68]

I have been stressed for many months waiting for the VA to rule on my application to increase my disability. It has caused my anxiety to run rampant as well as my psychosis.

Today started out okay with a pdoc appointment. I need more blood work before my primary doc will try hormone replacement therapy, which sucks but my shrink thinks it might help me. He is more optimistic as I am as my low testosterone seems to be a new thing and I have had MH issues for 21 years. But even the possibility of a little more energy is good news. Then things got weird, I overshared on a few psychotic episodes and he started asking questions like "Do you own a weapon", "Does the thought of killing yourself make you happy". I have never been asked those. Plus he doubled the dosage of my antipsychotic. Okay, not a great morning but for me it wasn't bad. He is still keeping electric shock off the table,pending the lab results.

I get home and I check the status of my disability claim. It is complete and they rated me 100% permanent and total disabled.

That is the best news I could have gotten. I no longer have to donate plasma to eat, which is the best part of it. I am so psycho I can't get through job interviews much less concentrate more than 4 hours a day.

Unfortunately, it is making me feel like a bigger loser than I already am. It is like getting an official loser brand on my forehead. This is the VA definition for 100% rating for mental health disorders:

Total occupational and social impairment, due to such symptoms as: gross impairment in thought processes or communication; persistent delusions or hallucinations; grossly inappropriate behavior; persistent danger of hurting self or others; intermittent inability to perform activities of daily living (including maintenance of minimal personal hygiene); disorientation to time or place; memory loss for names of close relatives, own occupation, or own name

Not only did I meet that criteria, the VA said it was permanent. That is pathetic. I have read that quote dozens of times today and just makes me feel worse and worse. I know writing this might upset some people, I know how difficult it is to struggle on a low income and have crushing mental illness. I have been living like that for years and I hesitate posting this because of that. I am still not wealthy of course, but I can finally afford to eat without getting a huge needle shoved in my arm twice a week.

At least my compulsion to saw off my feet has gotten much weaker over the past weeks. That is something I suppose.

[Skeezyks]

Hello qwerty68: It's very sad that one has to be so debased in order to obtain the bare essentials of life. I hope that you will be able to put the definition to rest & simply enjoy the small amount of benefit you will derive from it. I wish you well...

[Rohag]

Hello, Qwerty68. Congratulations (? ) on finally getting that VA rating. At 100% you should get complete VA dental care, too.

My impression of the VA's use of "permanent" is that they don't intend to spend resources on periodically trying to reevaluate you.

Did you use a veterans service organization to mediate the claim? Are you still in contact with your veterans service officer from that organization?

[seesaw]

Qwerty, don't let the definition define you as a person. You are not your illness. You have an identity and personality beyond that illness and disability that is much more than this limited definition.

Congrats on the increased income.

Seesaw

[qwerty68]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello qwerty68: It's very sad that one has to be so debased in order to obtain the bare essentials of life. I hope that you will be able to put the definition to rest & simply enjoy the small amount of benefit you will derive from it. I wish you well...

Thank you, I am trying. You are so kind and supportive.

[qwerty68]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello, Qwerty68. Congratulations (? ) on finally getting that VA rating. At 100% you should get complete VA dental care, too.

My impression of the VA's use of "permanent" is that they don't intend to spend resources on periodically trying to reevaluate you.

Did you use a veterans service organization to mediate the claim? Are you still in contact with your veterans service officer from that organization?

The dental part is huge for me. I need a lot of dental work, most of which medicaid doesn't cover and that worry is now gone. Doesn't help my dental obsessions, at least not yet. I get a free license plate for my car that never expires. If I were rich enough to buy a home, I can qualify for property tax exemption. It is crazy how many things open up at 100%. Although I would give it all up without thought to have a working brain and be able to work.

I have been 80%(50% MH, 50% headaches, 20% seizures and a few 0%) since 1999. I started out 60% in 1996. I was expecting my MH rating to increase to 70% and get unemployable. That is what I asked for. Getting more than that really hit me hard, mostly negatively.

In government-speak, permanent has a slightly different meaning. Yeah, it could change, but they won't likely ever come looking for me and I certainly won't be filing any new claims. They never asked for a new exam between 99 and last January a few months after I submitted TDIU papers. I think this rating is them being done with me. I am so fortunate to have been on active duty when all of this started. If it had to happen, there is no better time for it. For all its faults, the VA has been excellent to me, except for one sadistic therapist.

I have a Veteran Service Officer through the Veterans of Foreign Wars. She looked over my record, said I was a near-certain TDIU and filled out(incorrectly, several times that I had to clean up) the forms and submitted them. I kept in contact with her during the process and she talked me off the edge of the cliff a few times. I need to get a hold of her Monday, I have a million questions for her.

It is definitely worth having one, as long as they are competent. The VFW, American Legion and Disabled American Vets all have them and it is totally free. Although, now I feel obligated to at least join the VFW as a thank you.

[qwerty68]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Qwerty, don't let the definition define you as a person. You are not your illness. You have an identity and personality beyond that illness and disability that is much more than this limited definition.

Congrats on the increased income.

Seesaw

You are right and I need to hear that. It is hard though. Especially over the past 5 years it has become all consuming. This thing and my doctor saying my depression is intractable, and my depression getting so bad I am psychotic now. Add that to being depressed non-stop at one level or another for about 21 years and makes it hard to not give up and just label myself a psycho loser

Thank you for the kind words and reminder.