I Ain't Got None

Okay, so I (just on Sunday) met up with my biological mother, who I haven’t seen since I was nine. While I’m glad I did it, it also wasn’t a super fantastic experience for me, you know? Like I got closure, but it wasn’t pleasant.
Before we begin, here’s a little background. Cheyanne (not her real name) is my biological mom, and I lived with her until I was nine, like I mentioned. She was, while as loving and caring as possible, a junkie and an alcoholic. She slept all the time, had random bursts of anger and confusion, and generally ignored us 80% of the time. It was kind of horrible, and I’d been used to taking care of my siblings and myself. For all intents and purposes, I was the mom, as the oldest of the four.
When she left, she left just about everything and anything that was hers, without saying goodbye. My siblings and I heard from her sporadically after that, and we in general had little to no contact with her, and we didn’t really want any contact with her. She, in my mind, was this terrible, despicable person who had done me wrong and deserved exactly what she got. Not showing up for court, not paying child support, and leaving the only people on the planet who thought anything of you seemed like one of the worst crimes a person could commit. She deserved to have us taken away from her. She really did.
So when I asked my parents if I could meet up with her a couple of weeks ago, my (real) mom seemed surprised. But I’d wanted it for a while.
The way I explained it to Cheyanne when we met up was that there were three stages of wanting to meet up with her: the first was to lash out and be angry and make her pay and cuss and scream and yell at her for what she did to me and to my family and for the pain that she put us all through. The second stage was when I just wanted to wrap her up in my arms and hug and cry it all out and that we would be this big happy family again, no questions asked, no rules rewritten. The third, I told Cheyanne, was the reason I was meeting her now. I wanted to know why.
Something you guys have to understand is that I was adopted in 2011, and I call the mother I have now my real mom, because she has done all of the things a real mom would have done. She loves me and my siblings, and she loves harder and I think a lot healthier than Cheyanne ever did. I just feel like being a mother is more than a name, you know? It’s a privilege. It can be lost.
The meeting went okayish, I guess. I had a hard time feeling any emotion before she showed up; it was like it wasn’t happening, like we were just going out for something to eat. Then when she showed up my mom asked me how I was feeling, and I answered honestly: it was weird, like I hadn’t expected her to show up, and then there she was. Then when I asked her outright, “Why?” she went into this spiel about how she has a disease, and how I should be blaming her parents, and oh my god I look so much like her, and I’m her daughter. It was dramatic and ridiculous. I was hoping maybe my opinion of her had changed, but it didn’t really. I still see her as this entity that has nothing and should have nothing to do with my life. They’re two separate things; my life with Cheyanne and my life now. I’m happier, more fulfilled, more full, and more responsible now than I would think I would be if I had her in my life right now.
I told her I forgave her, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still mad and angry and sad that she left, you know? I wish that she had taken a different course of action instead of just ripping herself from our lives.
I don’t know; I guess at this point I’m just ranting. You can throw in your two cents if you want to, but this was just a sort of letting all of my thoughts out before they settled in my brain and exploded.

Good for you.

If you are still thinking about forgiving her, remember that you don't have to forgive her for her sake, you don't owe her that, but forgiveness can be for your sake so that you can release the anger and move on. That is up to you and maybe you have moved on already and don't need to open any old wounds again.

Please don't take that for "advice" I'm not suggesting that you do so, just something I believe about "forgiveness" in general. Thanks for posting your story and I'm hoping that getting the story out is helpful in closing this for you.

Joshpawlin it sounds like you have just done a courageous and difficult thing. I really hope it helps you grow into the person you have the potential to be.

Kudos to you for facing a nightmarish thing. I know there are never any easy solutions and you did what you felt you needed to do.

I'm glad you now have a real mom and that she was able to help you with this.

Be kind to yourself, especially while you process this. YOU DESERVE IT.

Sending the warmest and most caring hugs I can.

It must have been very difficult to have met her. I can only imagine the emotions that drew up for you.

Cheyenne may be your biological mother but from what it sounds you have a mother now who loves and has the capacity to take care of you. It's not fair to make the child be a parent and I bet it was very taxing for you.

Being a parent, I think was the best thing Cheyenne could have done for me. It helped me become who I am today and helped me decide my career choice for the future: teaching!

Blessings in disguise, I suppose.

Good for you. Sometimes a difficult past shapes our future. Take what's good now and put the bad stuff behind as much as possible.

Hope you are doing OK.