Acceptance

I accept that no one can help me anymore. Nothing will help, not meds, not therapy, not hospitalization and sure as hell not sharing what goes on inside my head. There's no one on this planet that can help me, there's not a higher power that'll do anything. It's just me. I'm all I got.

It sure seems that way at times doesn't it?

It might take a bit but I am convinced there will be a few you encounter somewhere along the way who will cheer you on and offer support.

Sometimes acceptance is a powerful force that is very helpful.

Not that I am the picture of mental health but I got better overall once I accepted that a certain level of depression will always be with me. When I was actively fighting it I got so twisted up.

It is still tough to get through each day but the fact that I know that it is permanent(my pdoc agrees) gives me an odd sense of something like peace.

What do you want help with? Are there goals or things you want to achieve, or is about dealing with depression?

I have severe depression and PTSD. Recently, I began having hallucinations, delusions and periods of "missing time"; which is a simpler way of saying momentary amnesia. I'm not going to lie to you, I'm scared of myself and I know that the people I love are too. I don't talk much anymore. I maybe say a handful of words but most of my interaction is just listening. Sometimes I get enough up to start to say something but when I see their faces I realize I can't tell them what's going on with me. I can't scare them anymore than I already am. Not to mention, what would scaring them accomplish? No one can help me because they either don't realize that I need someone, anyone to help me with this or they just don't know how and assume it'll all pass. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just working through the motions at this point so that I seem somewhat normal and they can forget how messed up I am.

Honestly, I think the reason no one can help is because I don't know how to let anyone in. I never even told a therapist how much was going on, or my psychiatrist. When it comes down to it, I can't tell anyone that sort of stuff. I'm shut down and no one can even see in anymore. I don't know how to stop it, either. Sorry, I kind of started ranting on here.

I posted a similar sentiment a ways back. If nothing else it can be cathartic to rant here.

Maybe you can tackle one thing at a time? Could you talk to psychiatrist to get meds to help with the hallucinations?

Maybe get a therapist to help manage the PTSD?

I can't really afford one. If I could, I don't know how the hell I'd get the help. I can't even tell my own fiance a lot of the details of all of this crap. How the hell do I talk to someone I don't even know?

I find it harder to talk to my spouse. She takes it pretty hard when I tell her how much I'm suffering because she cares. It's important for her to know otherwise she tends to blame herself or think I've lost interest in her and gets lonely. When she knows it's because I'm depressed she is more understanding.

With a therapist they are bound to confidentiality and I can walk away at anytime. That makes it easier to talk but there was still some work to open up and trust someone. The financial roadblock is a harder one to deal with. My therapist works on a sliding scale and only charges me half.

Some psych meds are cheap and can help with some symptoms but it takes effort to find ones that works and there isn't a garraunte they will help but it us better that just doing nothing and suffering.