On the up

bushwackback · Jun 05, 2016, 03:52 PM

Today has gone from complete **** to quite nice!

Last night was one of the loneliest nights full of self-loathing I have had in a very long time.

My significant other has been out of the country for a while, and while we keep in touch often through several channels, it's not the same as beside each other. Furthermore I think we are both anxious about the changes this time in our lives could mean for us as a couple.

I tried to call my son last night. He's so young that I don't expect him to want to talk to me or cooperate all the time, but he is old enough to hold a conversation at least 15 minutes. Last night he wanted to hang up after about 1 minute. His anger about things like the divorce and my being away is starting to manifest in new ways. There will always be new ways.

I cried after, but only briefly. It didn't make a dent in the overwhelming sadness and hopelessness I was carrying. I seriously thought through one more drink, and walking down to the bridge, tying a stone around me and jumping in the river. I had to think through it all and why not to do it--again. But I didn't do it and even though I chose to drink myself to sleep, I made it through the night and woke up feeling hardly any better.

But that survival was enough of a place to build a better day.

I got up, finished the laundry that I had left in the machine the night before because I was too depressed and intoxicated to remember, made food, cleaned a little. I read this too, which helped. I had to stop several times and set a 5-minute timer to let myself be sad, but eventually I got out of the house and headed to a coffee shop to write and get back to the job search/career/crisis/project/life thing.

After a cup of coffee and a few good tunes, I feel at least 500% better!

So the key things that helped me, as I see it, were:

A. Not going out. Getting some sleep.
B. Asserting that surviving had been a good choice.
C. Not giving myself time to bash myself for failures but telling myself "Good for you" for surviving, doing little helpful things, moving forward, etc. Even though I feel my subconscious and the voice of my ex telling me "you think you deserve congratulations for THAT? YOU ARE PATHETIC!" I just didn't really give myself time to go there. Even if nothing works, stepping up from an upward thought gets you closer than a downward one.
D. A little caffeine goes a long way.
E. Work on projects. Any of them. Even if they are the "wrong" ones, just do them. One completed gives momentum for another, and so on. Maybe the elephant in the room is the most important, but taking out the trash or even getting out of bed is a little victory that will make the elephant just that much smaller. And when one thing gets done, say "good job" to yourself. Life is enough of a drill sergeant--you don't need to be one to yourself all the time.