do you enjoy it? seeing me hurt?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

What's going on?

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

What's going on?

ex-bf (first and last) lied to me 4 months said he was attracted to me but he wasn't turns out i'm too fat and ugly broke up with me out of the blue 3 days ago and we want to be friends still but i don't think he knows how badly i'm hurting. he doesn't love me but i still love him. god i wish i didn't. my weight and looks are a sore spot and i was sure nobody would want me because of that until he came along, then thought maybe i'm not so unlovable, but now i know he lied and even he couldn't love me for who i am. i just need to be loved but nobody loves me. i don't have anyone in my life. he says i can message him and vent but then he threatens to call the police because he's "worried", which makes me feel like i can't talk to him about how i feel. but i have no one else. it just hurts because he's not the person i knew. i feel like i don't know him anymore, i can't trust him anymore, and i don't think he really cares like he says... sigh..

[Ht32]

How long had you two been together? And do you want to really be with some one who basis your whole relationship on your looks sounds like you can do better a lot better.

Originally Posted by Ht32

How long had you two been together? And do you want to really be with some one who basis your whole relationship on your looks sounds like you can do better a lot better.

4 months. i know its not long but we talked every day and told each other pretty much everything about ourselves, including the embarrassing and dark stuff too, and what we wanted out of life, our interests, everything in between... oh and it was purely online. i feel pathetic for being so upset about it but i loved him deeply and truly i was the happiest i'd ever been, my depression went almost completely away and i thought finally my life is worth living again. i started to get my **** together got clean and started going out of the house and thinking positive, it was like the fog in my head cleared and i could see a future that didn't end in tragedy or drug addiction and poverty. i thought he loved me as much as i loved him and i thought he loved my body just as i loved his.

but it was all a lie and fat chicks disgust him. i disgusted him. he didn't say that exactly but that was the implication.

what's worse i saw it coming. i knew nobody could say they're attracted to me and actually mean it. i called him out on it several times in the relationship, said he couldn't possibly be attracted to me but he assured me time and time again that he was, only for him to just now turn arond and say it was a lie.

and he's obese himself. i can't even get attraction from my own 'kind'/

that's why i CAN'T do better. i can't even DO at all, because i am so fat and ugly i'm not even an option to anyone.

i'm just heartbroken and distraught. and alone.

love is the one thing i want out of life, but i can't have it.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by ennui.

4 months. i know its not long but we talked every day and told each other pretty much everything about ourselves, including the embarrassing and dark stuff too, and what we wanted out of life, our interests, everything in between... oh and it was purely online. i feel pathetic for being so upset about it but i loved him deeply and truly i was the happiest i'd ever been, my depression went almost completely away and i thought finally my life is worth living again. i started to get my **** together got clean and started going out of the house and thinking positive, it was like the fog in my head cleared and i could see a future that didn't end in tragedy or drug addiction and poverty. i thought he loved me as much as i loved him and i thought he loved my body just as i loved his.

but it was all a lie and fat chicks disgust him. i disgusted him. he didn't say that exactly but that was the implication.

what's worse i saw it coming. i knew nobody could say they're attracted to me and actually mean it. i called him out on it several times in the relationship, said he couldn't possibly be attracted to me but he assured me time and time again that he was, only for him to just now turn arond and say it was a lie.

and he's obese himself. i can't even get attraction from my own 'kind'/

that's why i CAN'T do better. i can't even DO at all, because i am so fat and ugly i'm not even an option to anyone.

i'm just heartbroken and distraught. and alone.

love is the one thing i want out of life, but i can't have it.

There is one person you can always get love from - yourself. If there is ever a time you find it hard to love yourself you need to ask yourself "why?"

Self-love doesn't depend upon what the rest of society has about you - only the one you have about yourself. So if you find it hard to love yourself you must ask yourself why - what is it you dont like about you. Then make plans to make the changes needed and follow through.

Once you are able to truly love yourself you will find others will be attracted to you as well. People gravitate toward a feeling of confidence and strength and assurance - self-love exudes all three.

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

There is one person you can always get love from - yourself. If there is ever a time you find it hard to love yourself you need to ask yourself "why?"

Self-love doesn't depend upon what the rest of society has about you - only the one you have about yourself. So if you find it hard to love yourself you must ask yourself why - what is it you dont like about you. Then make plans to make the changes needed and follow through.

Once you are able to truly love yourself you will find others will be attracted to you as well. People gravitate toward a feeling of confidence and strength and assurance - self-love exudes all three.

honestly this is the kind of answer i predicted i would get.

the simple fact is that i just can't love myself. i've tried and tried. everyone tells me to but no one can tell me how or why i should. whu should i love myself if nobody loves me? obviously i don't deserve it.

what does loving myself even mean? i have always hated myself. i wouldn't know self-love if it slapped me in the face.

and by making changes do you mean lose weight? because i am already doing that. i starve myself and have lost 50 lbs. i just want to be loved as i am but obviously a fat girl has to lose weight first and get a makeover before she can be loved. everyone tells me in some way or other. "make the change" is subtle for "lose 100 lbs and then maybe someone will want you".

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by ennui.

honestly this is the kind of answer i predicted i would get.

the simple fact is that i just can't love myself. i've tried and tried. everyone tells me to but no one can tell me how or why i should.

whu should i love myself if nobody loves me?
obviously i don't deserve it.

How does one "earn" the right to be loved? Loving someone is something you do freely not because they earned but because you choose to and it is something everyone deserves. Love is what keeps us strong. Whether or not anyone else chooses to love you, you should always love yourself.

what does loving myself even mean?

It means to be proud of who you are and feel unashamed of every part of your being - so that you can remain strong against insults and other "storms" you may come up against.

i have always hated myself. i wouldn't know self-love if it slapped me in the face.

I used to hate myself as well. I think that is a problem for most of us. It is not something that means there is something inherently wrong with you. It just means you have a lot of changes to make - and need to work on one at a time.

and by making changes do you mean lose weight?

If losing weight is something that is a huge issue to YOU (not anyone else) then yes...but it can mean other things too. Is there anything about your personality you do not like? Are there any habits you are ashamed of? Are there things you feel you ought to do but do not or vice versa? Any kinds of changes at all

because i am already doing that. i starve myself and have lost 50 lbs.

I am glad you are losing weight if that is something that will make you happy, but please do it in healthier ways than starvation...

i just want to be loved as i am

And that is precisely what you (and all of us) deserve - the cold truth though is this world doesn't always do what is "fair" or what we "deserve" - so the best we can do is be sure we also take care of ourselves the best we can. In this case that means self-love.

but obviously a fat girl has to lose weight first and get a makeover before she can be loved.

You are speaking to a fat girl - 225lbs 5'5" I know the drill, I understand the pain...but you need to be able to say "I don't care what you think of me - you don't deserve my time if you can't treat me with respect"

everyone tells me in some way or other. "make the change" is subtle for "lose 100 lbs and then maybe someone will want you".

If people tell you that meaning that - perhaps they have more serious changes they themselves need to make.

so just HOW am i supposed to love myself then? (since it's obvious to me now that no one else will). i need a step-by-step because i really do not understand it. i am not exaggerating when i say i've always hated myself. even the thought of loving myself just feels so wrong.

crypts, i have a rather personal question. but have you, as a fat girl, been able to find romance, love, or sex? and if so, how? because self-love is a good concept and i need to do it, yes, but i also have emotional and physical needs that i just can't meet on my own and i am withering.

Originally Posted by ennui.

so just HOW am i supposed to love myself then? (since it's obvious to me now that no one else will). i need a step-by-step because i really do not understand it. i am not exaggerating when i say i've always hated myself. even the thought of loving myself just feels so wrong.

crypts, i have a rather personal question. but have you, as a fat girl, been able to find romance, love, or sex? and if so, how? because self-love is a good concept and i need to do it, yes, but i also have emotional and physical needs that i just can't meet on my own and i am withering.

also i should add that i have disordered eating, which no one believes because i am fat, hence the starving. i would just lose weight the healthy way if i could, but it's not that simple. right now i need a partner to love my body as it is and as i lose more weight too. i don't want to have to put my love life on hold until i lose enough weight to be 'dateable' because i have needs that are being severely neglected now.

another thing - i've also been told i might have bdd. even after losing 50 lbs i still see myself as looking like i did at my highest weight and it leaves me very distraught. family have said they notice a difference and i can feel the difference in how my clothes fit now vs. then but i can't SEE it. i've been told i'm pretty but to me i look grotesquely ugly. i don't even feel human. no i can't see a therapist right now.

[elevatedsoul]

i think i see in some of your words what sometimes comes over me..

if i could have a sense of validation, a sense of worth, coming from an outward source that would possibly invalidate the negative assumptions and accusations that i place on myself.. see in myself...

we have to becareful how much weight and power we give to others views and opinions over our own...

i think we also have to look into what we mean by love... what is love to us?
love seems to have differing meanings coming from differing peoples...

we have levels of attraction.. affection.. infatuations...
love is something that develops after those stages... love develops when we have been through thick and thin... when we have nearly killed each other and wanted to run away but turned back to see in the other everything that we are and know that we relate and feel a deep connection that invalidates the negatives and creates a positive that we can hold onto for the rest of our life... love is when you know the bad and accept it as much as you know the good and accept that, beyond the veils of infatuations and attractions...

everyone does deserve love... but we have to "love our self" as the saying goes... if we don't know what we are looking for then its hard for us to find it...
to love myself to me doesnt really mean that i am extremely happy with myself... i am not overly joyful of who i am... but i know that i am someone unique and that my imperfections will be the perfections to the imperfect person that i grow to love one day..

so we have to define what it is, love, to ourselves...
what do we need?

do we even really want to have that boring love relationship in our lives at this point?
or are what we searching for is more of validation, to be needed... to have someone elses need for us prove to us our value, worth, that we deserve it because we feel that we dont and treat ourselve with utmost prejudice....

you dont need someone else to prove that to you... because no matter how much someone tries, they wont prove it to you until you let yourself believe it...

i am really disconnected currently so its hard for me to make much sense.. but i just wanted to say a few things...

in a sense, people here do love you, but the love we have for you may not be the infatuated attraction love that most people think that is true love...

i hope that you are easy to yourself a little and try to relax...

take care...

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by ennui.

another thing - i've also been told i might have bdd. even after losing 50 lbs i still see myself as looking like i did at my highest weight and it leaves me very distraught. family have said they notice a difference and i can feel the difference in how my clothes fit now vs. then but i can't SEE it. i've been told i'm pretty but to me i look grotesquely ugly. i don't even feel human. no i can't see a therapist right now.

I think it is very difficult to love ourselves if our parents did not nurture us in an appropriate way. My mom was a person with a lot of limitations as a mom. I have had problems to love myself since I was born, I guess. I struggle. It can get better, but we are in constant struggle.
I am sending you a big hug

Originally Posted by Clara22

I think it is very difficult to love ourselves if our parents did not nurture us in an appropriate way. My mom was a person with a lot of limitations as a mom. I have had problems to love myself since I was born, I guess. I struggle. It can get better, but we are in constant struggle.
I am sending you a big hug

i think what you say is true. i was never severely abused in any way, but i think growing up i was emotionally neglected. my parents are alcoholics, have been for my entire life. two people who are drunk most of the time, i've realized, can't meet a small and vulnerable child's emotional needs. i think this is where i developed a low self-esteem. and then being bullied throughout my school years didn't help. and i've always struggled to like myself, let alone love me. i was putting myself down as young as 3 years old... i remember hating myself even then. thank you for the hug.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

First let me say I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Today was my birthday so I was not online til just now. Just wanted you to know I was not ignoring you.

Originally Posted by ennui.

so just HOW am i supposed to love myself then? (since it's obvious to me now that no one else will). i need a step-by-step because i really do not understand it. i am not exaggerating when i say i've always hated myself. even the thought of loving myself just feels so wrong.

Really - the best way to do it is to be able to find the "worth" in you, and the "good" in you. For me - I knew neither about myself when I started. So what was suggested to me was to think of something small I would like to do for myself, make plans to do it, and then do it. For example - if I wanted to play a game or read a book or watch a new movie...for the game I would need to save money to buy the game, buy it, play it; for reading the book i would need to save money to buy the book, buy it, shut off all phones and other devices that may disturb me while I am reading and then allow myself to enjoy my book for a few minutes; for a new movie save up the money for the movie and watch it ... Once you complete a goal, the next step is to stop and allow yourself to realize "I did it! I chose, planned, and completed a goal by myself - and enjoyed it! Life is wonderful to live. There are many things I can do - I am awesome!" Then figure out a new goal for yourself - as you get used to it the goals can get larger and you will want to start planning ones that require more and more responsibility as well. The more you do, the more confident you will feel and it will give you your sense of self-worth. From there you ask yourself "what things do I now (or have I in the past) like about myself?" Those are things you allow yourself to praise yourself for if they are things you currently posess if they are things you once were but now are not - plan out how to change so you can get those things back again. Then ask yourself "what do I not like about me?" Then go about resolving how to change each of those things into something you can be proud of one by one. As you successfully make each change - allow yourself to praise yourself and reward yourself. Always be kind to yourself, not harmful.

crypts, i have a rather personal question. but have you, as a fat girl, been able to find romance, love, or sex? and if so, how? because self-love is a good concept and i need to do it, yes, but i also have emotional and physical needs that i just can't meet on my own and i am withering.

Yes to all three of those questions. For me though most of my relationships ended up in emotional or psychological abuse until I did learn to love myself. I think that's because I went through those kinds of abuse at home as a teen and so when I would get in long term relationships when the guy figured out I didn't have any self esteem or self respect he knew he could get whatever he wanted from me if he manipulated me "correctly". So even though I had the long term relationships they were not healthy ones. Having a healthy relationship is tremendously important if you truly want happiness and a relationship too. In order to do that you need to focus on getting in tune with yourself so you know when something "doesn't feel right" which is why the self love is so important.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by ennui.

also i should add that i have disordered eating, which no one believes because i am fat, hence the starving. i would just lose weight the healthy way if i could, but it's not that simple. right now i need a partner to love my body as it is and as i lose more weight too. i don't want to have to put my love life on hold until i lose enough weight to be 'dateable' because i have needs that are being severely neglected now.

Honestly - I suspected anorexia by the way you were talking. Anorexia is not about physical weight it is about the psychological thinking patterns. Are you being treated for it?

Also I wanted to ask due to your dire expressions of your need for love - if you have been tested or diagnosed with borderline personality disorder? It is something I deal with personally and that's a trait I instinctively picked up on with you - a sense of "abandonment" by the world in general...

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by ennui.

another thing - i've also been told i might have bdd. even after losing 50 lbs i still see myself as looking like i did at my highest weight and it leaves me very distraught. family have said they notice a difference and i can feel the difference in how my clothes fit now vs. then but i can't SEE it. i've been told i'm pretty but to me i look grotesquely ugly. i don't even feel human. no i can't see a therapist right now.

I am not sure what BDD is? I understand about not being able to see difference in weight loss - I do 7the same. Only way I really "take notice" is my clothes "want to slip off" but then I normally get frustrated thinking the elastic is worn or etc. I have a different way of thinking though as far as beauty. I too think I am ugly BUT I also think all of us have imperfections both in appearance and personality - so the way I figure it, I am just one ugly duckling in a tar pit full of other ugly ducklings and we're just all trying to get by. Some of us are more imperfect in appearance. Some of us are more imperfect in personality. Some seem balanced on both aspects but have loads of problems in other areas. Point is - you are no more ugly than anyone else and nobody else is more beautiful than you.

[Fuzzybear]

I relate to this

Originally Posted by Clara22

I think it is very difficult to love ourselves if our parents did not nurture us in an appropriate way. My mom was a person with a lot of limitations as a mom. I have had problems to love myself since I was born, I guess. I struggle. It can get better, but we are in constant struggle.
I am sending you a big hug

[little turtle]

I am sorry you have been hurt by that guy....very very painful...hug for you ennui