[Max Payne]

Hey friends, I have something new to worry about. A friend of mine shares my feelings of being fed up where we live and wanting a fresh start, and she asked me if I would want to move to either Virginia or North Carolina with her. Now for years when I was married I would tell people how I dreamed of just up and going away and starting over, but talking about it and doing it are two different things. They say that depression makes it hard for people to make decisions, and that is definitely true of me. It's kind of a family trait to have trouble making up one's mind, and the depression only makes it worse.*

It would be different if I had some sort of career and was offered a job out there, but what she wants to do is just up and move and sort it all out when we arrive. To be honest that freaks me out. I would want to make at least a couple trips out there and right now I don't have either the money nor the ability to take the time off. And when I start to think about all this the spiraling starts... well, maybe if I had some sort of goal or plan for life the path would be clearer, but then I've got to figure that out, and then I need to figure out do I go back to school or just try to get a job at entry level... it's just maddening. Any time I think about things like this I feel like I'm looking at a plate of spaghetti and trying to figure out which noodle I want to eat first. (Okay, that might not be the best analogy but it's all I've got right now.)

Sometimes I think maybe I'm just one of those people with deep roots who isn't meant to move around a lot. It amazes me when I meet people who have lived in so many different places in their lifetimes. I've never lived more than 90 miles away from my hometown.*

I should really be talking to a therapist about this but there's a problem there too. My job is really stressing me out and I feel like I should really leave it before I really have a meltdown, but that would mean right away I'd be without insurance again. I know I'm probably exaggerating but this is how I see life - like I'm constantly just hanging on by a thread and one wrong move and I'm done for. I don't know. I could go on and on but it's getting late.

Oh, and one other thing - the reason my friend wants to move to that part of the country is she ran into a high school crush of hers who lives out there now. Not a boyfriend, but just a guy she really wants to be with. Now I wouldn't be living with her or anything, so I could do it on my own, but it just seems to me that that's not the best reason to move across the country.

Can anyone help?

Anxiety/depression or realism? Sounds like you're being realistic. Probably not a good idea to move without having either $ in bank or a job offer. However, since your job is stressing you, hope you are applying for others. Sometimes having a job you like can be better for you than having insurance. When a job pays enough, one can always pay for therapy out of pocket. I have lived all over the world. Grew up in the Southwest, now live in the Southeast. I still sometimes long for desert sunsets, mountains, etc. But, hey, some day, I just might move back to the West. Some of the things I've experienced living away from my roots were extremely satisfying (great memories). On the other hand, I have few friends and all the moving likely contributed to the situation (or it could have been depression). So save some money, apply for jobs from afar, and search for jobs in your area with higher pay. If your current job pays so little that you can't save some of your earnings, then you need to make a job change. My life lessons were: when I've moved, sometimes it was good, other times, not so good; however, I have never regretted the times in my life when I was able to increase my bank account balance.
Myst

I think you know deep down that moving isn't best for you. You clearly stated very logical reasons why a move isn't the best choice at this time. Maybe one day, but not now.

If your job is really draining you, focus on making a change. Work on finding a more suitable position. Meanwhile, can you see a therapist to help you cope with your current job and the job search?

Try not to be hard on yourself. Your head is in the right place. Anxiety is the pits. *hugs*

[speckofdust]

Max-

I think you're taking the right approach (caution) based on where you are with the anxiety at this time. I really want to move to another state, also, but I know I can't handle it emotionally or physically - I am too anxious to even make the plans, and the thought of packing is over the top!

You know your comfort level better than anyone, so I would stick with that until you are able to sort out some of the logistics that would make such a big change more manageable. Good luck!

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[Max Payne]

Thanks everyone for the responses. Once again I forgot to select "email notifications" as I set up the thread so I didn't know I was getting responses, and you know me, "out of sight, out of mind." Something reminded me today that I had started this and so I remembered to check it just now.

The thing is I do need a change of scenery, but moving across the country is a little extreme. I wouldn't mind being closer to D.C. because I love history, but it's also quite expensive. And I'm also quite nervous about the idea of her moving all that way just to date a guy. To move to be with someone you're in a committed relationship with is risky enough; and she's already telling me she's frustrated that the guy is texting her less and less. She thinks the answer is to move out there as quickly as possible. I'm not sure that's the right move.

The thing is I've got so much stress at once. I do need to start seeing my therapist again, and I was able to sneak in an appointment with her this coming week. However as you noted I am quite frustrated with my job, and just today I again had another very stressful situation that made me say to myself "I need to get out of here, and yesterday!" But if I leave that means another spell without insurance when I just got back on it. Further, if I leave the job I will miss seeing the young lady I so desperately want to ask out... except that I refuse to ask her out as long as we work together, so it's kind of pointless to stay there.

The other thing is I just turned 40 which has been freaking me out, and I feel like I have to get everything figured out right now... which puts even more stress on me and makes me want to just throw up my hands and play video games instead. Last night I was talking to a friend and I said to her, "Maybe it's not such a bad thing if I just find another job around here instead of thinking I have to move or get a whole new career."

I don't know. I need a vacation.

I have a friend....one day she decided to leave. Packed up her stuff in a uhaul and drove herself to Minnesota.

When she got there, she looked around and didn't like it and turned around and drove back.

My daughters friend has a home, but it's just there for her to work until she qualifies for a working visa...she's been all over the world. Sometimes a month in someplace, sometimes six months, sometimes 2 weeks. She loves it.

I know it's difficult to make decisions for us here. But if I was younger, I would go. Ask yourself what is the worst that could happen? You won't disappear in a puff of smoke, you will simply decide it's not working and then go back home.

The scary things are only scary in our minds.

Just my opinion based on regret...

[Sula B]

You have made a great deal of sense in your rationalisation to stay put. I don't believe that your moving without $ or the security of a job to go to is in your best interests. If your friend choses to relocate, you can express your concerns but ultimately that is her choice to make.

I was in a similar situation about 12 months ago. I am separated, getting divorced and my long term job which had been great for 6.5 years was becoming unbearable (overwork and daily abuse and workplace bullying). All I could think of was packing up and moving away to get away from everything.

I saw a Psychologist for the last 3-4 months that I was there, about once a fortnight, who really helped me to understand the need to find another workplace, for my sanity and to give me breathing space to make rational and well thought out decisions. It took a few applications and a couple of months but with her help, I found an alternative job, with better pay and conditions, without having to relocate. I have been there since January and it HAS given me breathing space. I didn't have to move and most importantly it has allowed me to recover somewhat from the abuse I suffered at the previous place for 18 months.

Whilst relocating is definitely still on the cards for me, I figure, like they say with pregnancy: 9 months to gain the weight, 9 months to lose it, so I figure I will give myself 18 months and if I still feel that I want to relocate, I will be recovered enough and rational enough to go through the process of looking for work before I actually go through with it.

I hope this helps.