[adam_k]

I'm not really looking for people to change how I think, I just want to write down all the stuff that is going through my head.

(suicidal ideation / self harm)

Possible trigger:

I don't feel good enough. I don't feel like im good enough at my job. I think my depression makes my work poor. I'm afraid I am going to get let go. The scenario plays out a lot in my head.

I don't think I'm a good enough parent. I try my best for my son and it just feel like enough. I hate myself for liking the times he is away. His grandma/grandpa watch him every other weekend. I feel guilty for enjoying this time. I feel guilty for not always enjoying having him around. When I'm depressed it is just shear exhausting being a parent. Cognitively I know I do a good job. He is feed, safe and he seems happy and I try my best to hide how I feel because I'm affraid it will cause issues.

I don't feel like I'm a good enough husband. I fear im too withdrawn and distant. I force myself to not do that sometimes. I fear she think it is because of her. She can't handle dealing with my depression and we have talked about it.

I'm afraid of killing myself. I have a lot of suicidal ideation. Probably for an accumulation of an hour or two today and that feels pretty typical for the last month. The only thing that stops me is the few people I care about more than I care about myself.

I have disturbing feelings of what it would be like to die, I mean the final moments play out in my head. Various ways.

I hate myself that there isn't a reason I want to live. I live for other people. While I'm grateful I have that which keeps me safe, there is a certain emptiness knowing that.

I constantly want to cut myself. Maybe its to numb out or maybe to get all of the emotional baggage out. I didn't do it for like 9 months and then I started to get more and more depressed. My wife has not figured it out yet but it will happen soon I think.

I want to go to the hospital but I'm afraid of it making things worse. Its a burden financially. It will be demoralizing that I couldn't manage my depression. I'm afraid it wouldn't help and I would feel even more hopeless.

I want a Pdoc I trust. I'm not going back to my current doctor. I have lost all faith in him and I just feel like I'm the next number in line on his calendar. 15 mins a quick chat and a script thrown at me as I'm ushered out of the door.

I see a new therapist next week. I don't know what to expect but there is a lot to sort out for me.

I think in patient may be the best option but I'mm afraid to go and get that level of help. Taking time from work and putting a burden on my pregnant wife.

I'm afraid of people abandoning me. Especially because of my depression. When I decided to seek treatment 3 years ago things between my wife and me were rocky. I started to open up to her and it was hard. I almost had anxiety attacks. I would push myself and just talk as I was shaking. Shortly after this I caught her having an online affair, sending naked pictures to someone. This imprinted a thought of depression causing me to be abandoned. This was probably not the case and just coincidence. I cannot convince myself otherwise.

I have this stupid fantasy of this person who will always be there for me. That person I can rely on no matter how hard things get. My life has taught me love and caring is conditional and with limits. Part of me yearns for this person and I know it is just a fantasy.

I hate being alone. Sometimes physically but mostly emotionally. It just feel intolerable like freezing to death alone in the snowy woods.

I fear getting close to people. Firstly because I cannot convience myself they will like me and then I'm choked up by the potential for abandonment. I often avoid people.

I hate how I'm not financially secure. I'm an engineer and make good money. I should own a house and not have to rent. I shouldn't have to worry about how to pay for my treatment. I feel like a failure.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Just getting all the terrible things out of my head onto paper. Maybe it will provide some relief and possible I can do something about all of this one day.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by adam_k

I'm not really looking for people to change how I think, I just want to write down all the stuff that is going through my head.

(suicidal ideation / self harm)

Possible trigger:

I don't feel good enough. I don't feel like im good enough at my job. I think my depression makes my work poor. I'm afraid I am going to get let go. The scenario plays out a lot in my head.

I don't think I'm a good enough parent. I try my best for my son and it just feel like enough. I hate myself for liking the times he is away. His grandma/grandpa watch him every other weekend. I feel guilty for enjoying this time. I feel guilty for not always enjoying having him around. When I'm depressed it is just shear exhausting being a parent. Cognitively I know I do a good job. He is feed, safe and he seems happy and I try my best to hide how I feel because I'm affraid it will cause issues.

I don't feel like I'm a good enough husband. I fear im too withdrawn and distant. I force myself to not do that sometimes. I fear she think it is because of her. She can't handle dealing with my depression and we have talked about it.

I'm afraid of killing myself. I have a lot of suicidal ideation. Probably for an accumulation of an hour or two today and that feels pretty typical for the last month. The only thing that stops me is the few people I care about more than I care about myself.

I have disturbing feelings of what it would be like to die, I mean the final moments play out in my head. Various ways.

I hate myself that there isn't a reason I want to live. I live for other people. While I'm grateful I have that which keeps me safe, there is a certain emptiness knowing that.

I constantly want to cut myself. Maybe its to numb out or maybe to get all of the emotional baggage out. I didn't do it for like 9 months and then I started to get more and more depressed. My wife has not figured it out yet but it will happen soon I think.

I want to go to the hospital but I'm afraid of it making things worse. Its a burden financially. It will be demoralizing that I couldn't manage my depression. I'm afraid it wouldn't help and I would feel even more hopeless.

I want a Pdoc I trust. I'm not going back to my current doctor. I have lost all faith in him and I just feel like I'm the next number in line on his calendar. 15 mins a quick chat and a script thrown at me as I'm ushered out of the door.

I see a new therapist next week. I don't know what to expect but there is a lot to sort out for me.

I think in patient may be the best option but I'mm afraid to go and get that level of help. Taking time from work and putting a burden on my pregnant wife.

I'm afraid of people abandoning me. Especially because of my depression. When I decided to seek treatment 3 years ago things between my wife and me were rocky. I started to open up to her and it was hard. I almost had anxiety attacks. I would push myself and just talk as I was shaking. Shortly after this I caught her having an online affair, sending naked pictures to someone. This imprinted a thought of depression causing me to be abandoned. This was probably not the case and just coincidence. I cannot convince myself otherwise.

I have this stupid fantasy of this person who will always be there for me. That person I can rely on no matter how hard things get. My life has taught me love and caring is conditional and with limits. Part of me yearns for this person and I know it is just a fantasy.

I hate being alone. Sometimes physically but mostly emotionally. It just feel intolerable like freezing to death alone in the snowy woods.

I fear getting close to people. Firstly because I cannot convience myself they will like me and then I'm choked up by the potential for abandonment. I often avoid people.

I hate how I'm not financially secure. I'm an engineer and make good money. I should own a house and not have to rent. I shouldn't have to worry about how to pay for my treatment. I feel like a failure.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Just getting all the terrible things out of my head onto paper. Maybe it will provide some relief and possible I can do something about all of this one day.

You do not need to answer this but why you think you think that you are not good enough, I mean, could that be something that was implanted to you? Also, that "fantasy" about an unconditional support, should that be something we should have already inside, like an "inner support being" inside ourselves that was developed during our childhood and stays there? I ask these questions to myself because sometimes I think like you

[adam_k]

I think feeling not good enough was some childhood stuff. Long story but essentially my brother was treated a lot better than me. I later found out the family I was living with wasn't my biological family and I think there was some, I dunno descrimitination. It was not good for my self esteem.

I wish I had that unconditional support within. I think sometimes I'm just an abusive a hole to myself. Maybe ten more years of therapy will fix me.

I am sorry you are feeling bad. As for being a burden I always feel like I am one I think that is just something that never really goes away I think maybe we need to stop making people feel bad for needing support in society yes maybe we are burdens but also why is that bad is it really bad to need help is it bad to ask for help people always answer no to those questions so I don't think you should feel needing help to be bad.

[Fuzzybear]